Post # 1
I’m posting for advice, thoughts, anything.
My fiance have been planning our wedding for about 6 months now. The wedding is turning out to be nothing like I dreamed. Of course, I know that we all make compromises, but I keep thinking in the back of my mind that this is not what I wanted.Oh well.
We sent out invites recently and make a huge mistake by not including his parents on the invite. His mother is livid, saying that it seems like he does not even have parents, that we made it look like they don’t even exist. It was an honest mistake, I thought the hosts were the ones on the invites, host are my parents.
Huge fight with FI. He thinks that I should have known to put his parents on the invite but also repeatedly refused to help me with the process. She said a lot of very hurtful things to me and him. Or if he helped, he complained the whole time. Now, his family is angry with me. My FI and I are angry with each other, and I’m starting to question whether getting married is even a good idea.
I’m so confused, it should not be this hard. FI is very angry that I am angry with his mother. I feel that she (and several other people) are blowing it out of proportion and that it was a simple mistake, it was thoughtless. I’ve apologized to his family, he’s apologized, but things are just not right between us. Help?
There is so much drama.
Post # 3
I say let it be. You apologized to her and that’s all you can do. I think she blew it completely out of proportion. I didn’t even put either of our parents names on our wedding invites even though my family is paying for pretty much the entire wedding.
I think the whole parent’s names on the invites is a bit of an old custom and she should just move on.
I’d also tell your FI to simmer down. You didn’t realize his family expected to be mentioned on the invitations. I don’t understand why he feels the need to be upset with you.
Post # 4
I think you were right to only put your parents on. Normally the hosts are put on. IF they wanted to be on this is something they should have said a LONG time ago & also should be helping out.
My parents didnt want to be on the wedding invites so ours dont mention any parents. FH’s parents are not helping out with anything they wouldnt be mentioned anyway.
Post # 5
You actually did nothing wrong. If you parents are the hosts, then you are right to only put their names and not your Future In Laws. Maybe explain to them that you were following proper etiquette and they will come around. My sister and her FI are paying for the wedding themselves so they didn’t put either set of parents on the invite. Both sets of parents understood why and there was no drama. Maybe if your FI’s folks understand why you did it, they will come around.
Post # 6
I don’t think I’d write a full out apology letter but just say you’ve never thrown a wedding before and the advice you got was to put the hosts names on.
Post # 7
I think you should let it be and just say you are done with it. Frankly, you were within your rights to not include his parents, even if you didn’t think of it that way. The hosts are the ones who are supposed to be on the invite. Your parents are hosting. End of story.
Now, proving that you were right is not necessary and probably not helpful. Just let it go.
Post # 8
I think as long as you have sincerely apologized you have done all you can do and now it just needs to blow over. It’ll calm down eventually. Your FI has no reason to be mad at you unless for some reason he thinks your lying about accidentally not putting his parents. It doesnt sound to me like its a good enough reason to call off the wedding, but if you think so then do what you think is right. Once your FI calms down have him talk to his family and explain AGAIN that it was an honest mistake. good luck!
Post # 9
Normally only the hosts names are put on, she’s majorly overreacting! If they expected it, they should have told you that way in advance!
Post # 10
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it. The catch is that they are giving us money, although I was under the impression that it was a gift and if we wanted to spend it on the wedding, we could. I did talk to his mom for quite awhile today and she was still very hurt.
FI is upset with me because at one point, he asked if his parents should be on the invite and I said no, I don’t think so. He’s more upset that he hurt his mom and dad. Both of us are really family oriented people and there is rarely conflict between family members. So this is new for him.
Post # 11
From everything I know the names that go on the invites are the bride, groom and the hosts of the wedding, aka the people paying for it. If that’s your set of parents, then you mention them. If the groom’s side helps, then yes, they ought to be noted. In this case, you didn’t realize the groom’s side was helping with the actual wedding, and so I cantotally understand how you could have made the invite error. You’ve really done all you can to apologize and explain, and I think they will get over it eventually. It’s best now just to let time heal.
In all honestly, I did the same thing in a way, but in trying to save space on the invite, I put “Together with their parents, Miss Bride and Mr. Groom request the honor of your presence…” I got a few grumbles for that, as both sets of parents had chipped in, but nothing too major. Hang tough. It will be ok.
Post # 12
I agree with the PP. Traditionally, the hosts are the only ones listed on the invitations. Since that is your parents, their names would be listed, and not your FI’s parents, unless that’s something they specifically mentioned during the planning period, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong! Apologizing at this point, which you’ve done, is about all you can do. If they want to hold a grudge about something so unimportant, that’s up to them. It sounds like they’re being very petty. They can’t blame you for following tradition when they didn’t ask to have their names on the invitation/help with the process in the beginning!
However, if they’re hosting the rehersal dinner or anything else like that, be sure to put their names on that and not your parents. Maybe that will help appease their feelings!
Post # 13
I think you should let it be for now and honour them BOLDLY LOL in the programs and in your speech during the rehearsal dinner and wedding!
Everything will blow over!
Post # 15
Thanks for making me laugh a little. I already updated several things to make sure that they were included on every detail. I’m sad that they are so upset, sad that my FI is upset, sad that things were not communicated early on.
PS. Our whole damn wedding is about family! Family members are standing for us, our vows talk about family, we will be sitting with each set of parents at the reception, etc. We have asked for their wedding pics to display, etc etc etc.
Post # 16
Proper ettiquette is the parents paying for the wedding are on the invite, both if they are sharing the cost and neither (or both) if the couple is paying. Of course depending on how conservative you or your families are, there might be the expectation for both parents to be in the invite anyway, which in your case there clearly was. If you apologized, I would let it go. If they aren’t paying, they don’t really have a leg to stand on to demand to be on the invite. Especially since it was a honest mistake. And to be honest, if your FI didn’t participate in conversation and planning of the invites, he really shouldn’t have expected you to read his mind.
I think they are seriously overreacting.