Post # 1
So I post on the bee every once in awhile and it is linked to my facebook, so I thought I would post on a different user name.
My finace and I have been together for 2 years. We got engaged last year and are planning to get married next winter (2013). He is a wonderful man. He takes care of me, pays our bills (I just work part-time because I am a student), and loves me. He gets me and knows me better than anyone in this world. When we first got together, I was head over heels in love with him. We moved in together after about 3 months of dating and were engaged after a year. We have had our ups and downs. We have had big fights where we almost broke up. But we perservered and have become a stronger couple for it.
Last summer he went away for 2 weeks and I missed him like crazy! I cried and constantly wanted to talk to him. Currently, he is away for 2 weeks as well. This time I found myself enjoying time with friends and not really missing him.
Lately, I’ve been really confused by our relationship. We do lots of things together that are fun. But sometimes the conversation doesn’t flow and that concerns me. Also, he has gained a lot of weight and I am not very attracted to him anymore. The idea of kissing him has become more bland than exciting. He is working on losing the weight, but I am worried that I won’t be attracted to him even after that. Also, he is 30 and has a child. I am 22 and am in college and in a sorority. I am finally feeling like I know who I am. I have been gaining confidence and making friends at school. I am SO worried that we are at 2 different places in our life. When we first started dating I didn’t have many friends and I wasn’t very confident. I think I felt that if I could just settle down with someone then I would feel confident and satisfied. Now that I go to a big university and became active on campus, I am suddenly longing to be single and to be able to enjoy being young. My fiance doesn’t act like he is that much older than me and he doesn’t stop me from going out with my friends. But sometimes I just wonder what being single would be like.
Like I said, there is nothing really wrong with him. I am just like 75% sure that I want to marry him, rather than 100%. I am worried that I will regret not going out there, being single, and finding out who I am. But what if I leave him to do that and I realize it was the biggest mistake I ever made and I miss him? Then it would just be time wasted or it would be devestating if he was with someone else.
I am just so confused. I talked to him and he thinks we may be at different points, too. But then the next day, it was just back to normal. I know if I break up with him, he will be devestated. And I think I will be, too. I am just so afraid to make the wrong decision.
Does anyone have any advice on this situation? Anything at all would be appreciated. Thanks ladies.
Post # 3
The age difference isn’t concerning, or that you two are at different stages in life. What concerns me is that you are “75% sure” about marrying him.
As a divorced woman, I will tell you, you need to KNOW 100% that this is right. Divorce is Hell and regret lasts a loong time! He sounds perfect on paper, but something isn’t sitting right with you. There’s a lot of “what ifs” in either decision. But, don’t go into it with ANY doubts. Please trust me as someone who has been through it.
Post # 4
It seems like you were with him for the wrong reasons from the start. You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself 🙁 Since he’s away for 2 weeks, maybe try going on a trial break? Althought you already seem to like how things are going with your university life, you are in different points in life. Sort yourself out and don’t drag things off. In the long run, you’re saving both parties time and heartache.
Post # 5
@itsmle: I agree, I am newly married but was divorced once and it was hell. I wish I would have made smarter choices back then before I said I do.
Now that I am older and got married a second time, the meaning of my vows are more meaningful and that is because I was 100% sure I wanted to marry this man. Yes I had my cold feet but who doesnt. You need to see if this is just cold feet or if you really dont want to be married and selttled down because that is not fair to him and his child.
Post # 6
I disagree with those saying being in different life stages isn’t important. You’re still figuring out who you are and what you want out of life, while he’s been through that stage already. Someone who’s perfect for you at 20 isn’t necessarily going to be perfect for you at 22, 25, or 30. A lot changes in that period of time. I’m not telling you whether you should break up with him or not, because only you can know that. I will say, though, that potential “outgrowing” and change is the nature of the beast in relationships where one or both people are very young. It’s not unusual and does not make you a bad person if you realize that’s what’s happened.
If the fact he has a kid is adding to your hesitancy, that’s ok, too. You’re really young, and a kid makes things tougher. It’s not an easy thing to deal with if you’re not ready for it. The relationship is not just about you two when a kid is involved. If you don’t think you’re ready to be a stepmother because you’d rather have a relationship where it’s just you two at first, then it’s important to be honest with yourself about that.
Another thing that stood out to me in your post is your not being attracted to him anymore. Love goes in stages. In the beginning, there’s the hormonal oxytocin trip that makes you see them through rose colored glasses, where everything’s new and exciting, and you’re sooo in love. Then after a year or two, that wears down, and the practical things start to set in, plus your partner becomes less perfect in your eyes. It doesn’t make the love any less, but it is different. It wouldn’t surprise me if a little bit of this is in play for you as well.
For what it’s worth, FI’s 6 years older than me, and we met when I was 20. We didn’t date until I was 23. I’m not sure my 20 year old self would have lasted in a relationship with him, while at 23 I’d barely matured enough for us to be perfect for each other.
Post # 7
You’re completely in two different stages in life. This will hurt your compatibility in the long run. So short answer, yes, if you feel like you cannot weather the storm and understand what these differences will do to your relationship, break it off.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Whoa. Are you me circa 2005?
Walk away now. I promise you some really hot postgrad or frat boy will help you forget all about that guy. I married that guy with the kid and you know what? It sucked. I missed out on so much in college, especially binding time with my sorority sisters, because I was spending so much with him and his daughter. I thought we had a nice little family and that we were going to live happily ever after.
We didn’t and I regret not lsitening to my better instincts (and friends and family) when they told me to dump him and enjoy college life with other college age people. I wasted 5 years with that guy and in the end he was so scarred by his prior relationships (particularly his daughter’s mom) that he didn’t really want to be married or have kids with me. So we divorced. I finally got to party at 26 but it’s not as much fun as it is when you’re still in college or grad school.
Break it off in an adult manner and cut ties for at least 6 months to a year and during that time enjoy being a young, sexy 22 year old with no commitments and no children. If after a year or two you haven’t found anyone else or you really think it will work out with that guy, approach him and say you want to try again. Based on your comments about already not being attracted to him, I’ll wager that most likely you will have realized that breaking it off was the best thing you could have ever done.
P.S. I always dated the older men and married one of them but after my divorce I finally met a guy closer to my own age (he’s actually a year and a half younger.) And guess what? He’s as mature and intelligent as I am so we have way more in common than I ever did with the older men. Oh and as for my stepdaughter whom I helped raise for 5 years, I haven’t seen her since we split and I moved out almost 3 years ago so all of the time, energy, and love spent on that relationship is gone.
Post # 9
I think you moved in too soon. At 3 months, you usually decide if you’re going to keep dating or stop dating – not move in and share bills.
I don’t think any major life events should be happening in the first 6 months of dating (my opinion). I also don’t think moving in before 1 year mark is ideal (not to hurt anyone’s feelings). People can put up a good face for about a year. After that, people start to really be themsevles. You’ve experienced all the holidays, some stresses, etc.
I know people will get up in arms about me commenting on the age, but some young 20 somethings are still finding out who they are, what they like, what kind of partner works for them. Perhaps you are still working through this. You don’t sound in the right mind set for marriage at all!
A great book that I read was:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to StayMira Kirshenbaum
Also, here’s a great one as well!Is He Mr. Right?Mira Kirshenbaum
Post # 10
Girl, go study abroad or have some fun before you run out of time. I don’t know if you need to break up with him or not, but I do know that you will regret not having fun now (based on what you’re saying here.) Some people never need to party or be single, but you sound like you’d be getting a lot more enjoyment out of life if you weren’t basically a stepmom.
Post # 11
My .02 for what it is worth: I believe that with various ages/stages in life people certainly can, and will change. This is not the case with everyone, because I believe people can find love ‘early’ in life, get married at an ‘early’ age and be very very successful at marriage!! However, your post reflects the reality of what many people realize ‘over time’:
We grow and change as humans – cycling thru wants/needs/desires over a period of time – USUALLY within our 20’s. (again, not insinuating that a couple cannot grow together and stay together!)
Had the 22-year old ‘me’ married my boyfriend at the time, I would have most definitely been divorced. Why? Because when the 22-year old me got out of that relationship, where I was not 100% sure I was happy/on the right track anyways, she lived her life. She learned independance, self-confidence, responsibility, etc, and she learned what it is she needed or wanted out of life for herself. It was only then I could share who I was with someone else to my fullest. At 30, I have found someone who I am 100% sure I want to spend the rest of my life with.
For me, it took THAT long. For others, may not be the case. For you, I recommend offering yourself the opportunity to ‘see’ what it is YOU want. To have fun, to live, to enjoy college and all it offers. It is your best ‘bet’ right now. Good luck!
Post # 12
@confused2184: When I was in college I was not engaged or married but I WAS in a long term relationship.
I would give ANYTHING to get that time back. I wanted to go out, be single, party, have fun, date around, but I was scared to and used him as my crutch. I can promise you that if you stay with him you will almost certainly regret it in a year or two. What you want right now is perfectly normal for a 22 year old and there is nothing wrong wih that and no reason that you should not have it! It’s hard when you love someone but it sounds like you’re not in love with him anymore anyway, and you deserve to marry someone who you love but are also in love with.
Post # 13
Break off the engagement now before you start dumping money into planning a wedding that might not work out. If it’s meant to be you will end up back together and can get engaged/married at a later time.
Post # 14
Hi ladies! Wow! I cannot believe the number of you that have responsed all ready. I really appreciate the advice and support.
I wanted to clarify something a little bit. I do love him deeply. He has taken care of me and been my rock for 2 years. I truly wish I had met him when I was like 25, finished with school, and more ready to settle down because I do think we are good together.
I am afraid to leave. Is it worth it to break up with someone you love because they’re at a different point in their life and you need some freedom? I think what is holding me back a lot is his child. I thought it wasn’t an issue but I’m realizing now more than ever what a huge deal being a stepmom is.
He makes me happy and I love him but is that enough to overcome the different point in our lives thing?
Post # 15
I do love his son dearly but am just afraid I am not ready to be a stepmom to a 6 year old.
Post # 16
I think that’s a good thing to admit for yourself. I would not be ready to be a stepmom either. But the son is part of the deal if you marry him.
Love is never enough.
You do have to be on the same page about things and kids, the existing kid, is one of them. Does he know you’re not ready to be a stepmom? Is he assuming you’ll step in as mom and assume the role automatically.
If you’re not on the same pages about where you want to be in life – then love doesn’t trump that I think. Well, maybe after you’re married for 15 yeras, then it’s something to work out, but not while still dating! The point of dating is to find someone you’re compatible with on many levels BEFORE marriage.
“He has taken care of me and been my rock for 2 years.”
You said he’s taken care of you – twice now. I don’t think that’s something I’d ever say about my husband. “I love him because he’s taken care of me.” Do you feel like you owe staying with him because he’s put so much into you money wise?