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I think before you go setting a timeline you should talk to your boyfriend about your future. Just ask him what he's thinking. And tell him what you're thinking.
Have you two specifically talked about getting married and set and concrete plans? Do you say 'when we are married' in conversation? I think a timeline is a pretty personal thing but I would make sure that you are on the same line so he knows that you are wanting to get married and then you leave the ball in his court.
I dont think anyone but the two of you can determine a timeline, but it certainly doesn't sound like you should be worried about being "that girl" by asking him where he stands on marriage/children. It sounds like you guys have a supportive and close relationship, and you should feel comfortable asking him what he sees for the future. I know you want him to bring it up, but it might not be realistic to be secretly hoping for an engagement this summer if you haven't told him how you feel (about the marriage part, not the relationship). There are ways to bring it up without actually having to bring it up, ya know?
I agree that I don't think there is a right timeline. I know you said that you don't want to bring it up, but it may simply not be on his radar that you're thinking about this, and you can bring it up like inquiring to see if you're on the same page - not if he's also planning a 2011 wedding! It may be good to spark this conversation now - but the only timeline that is right for you guys is the one that you come up with together!
Talk to FI. Tell him how much you love him and want to spend your futures together. If you want to be surprised, tell him you don't want specifics, but you need to know that your relationship is heading twords engagement in the next 6 months, or whatever your timeframe is.
I think the timeframe you posed above is very reasonable. You've been together 18 months. You've been livng together for 9 months. You are both in your 30s with careers. I'd say its reasonable to expect an engagement any time now.
Just to clarify too -
re: "timeline" I meant more doesn't it seem like 2 people who share our circumstances might be engaged by now? Not necessarily that I'm thinking of a timeline to a 2011 wedding. Does that make sense?
Kind of, if you knew 2 people who fit our profiles, wouldn't it seem like they might be engaged already? It's starting to seem that way to me, although we don't discuss it, which seems odd to me.
So I guess my thought was - what is a reasonable timeline to an ENGAGEMENT, not to a wedding. Having been dating 18 months and living together for about a year as two people in their 30s seems reasonable, right?
And, beyond that, as an almost 31 year old woman, how long do I gives this process to play out, given that I would like to build a marriage and family? It's not urgent by any means, but I would like to get a sense of how long is long enough to see if a relationship will progress to engagement in your 30s?
OK, not I better understand your question.
I'm 32. FI is 38. We dated a year, then got engaged. We will be engaged a year before getting married. I wanted to be suprised, so we'd talked about getting married, but not exactly when we'd get engaged. I was going to give him a few more months, then bring it up.
How long you wait out a proposal is up to you. But you need to make sure he understands that is something you need for your relationship to continue (it sounds like you aren't okay dating forever).
Good luck!
My timeline was exactly the same as texasmeredith although we moved in together after 9 months of dating. Even though the engagement was surprising, we had discussed it at length since the 4th month of our relationship. I think marriage aside, it is okay to start talking about plans for the future and making sure you are both on the same page.
It seems reasonable to me to expect an engagement soon. You two have been together almost two years and living together for a year, so that seems like enough time together to know if you want to get married, but everyone is different, so obviously no one can know for sure except you and your guy. I would definitely talk to him about it, and just maybe let him know that you're interested in spending your life with him and wonder if he feels the same and if your relationship is leading towards marriage. His answer should give you a clue on what he's thinking and when it might happen.
I was seriously impatient waiting for my now-husband to propose to me and I waited waaaay longer than I wanted to, but I knew ahead of time that our relationship was leading towards marriage and that he did want to marry me - he just wasn't ready yet. As long as I knew he was OPEN to marriage and that he wasn't going to make me wait five years, I was okay with it. But I was in my 20s, so your length-of-time-to-wait will probably be different than mine, and hopefully your boy will be ready sooner than my boy was since he's older.
Good luck!
Don't worry so much about needing to be "cool" or not being "that girl" - keeping your mouth shut isn't going to get you anywhere. It's 100% fair for you to speak up about your hopes and needs. In a solid relationship w/ a mature man, you can state your needs without laying on the pressure or having him interpret it as that.
I think a general future oriented discussion is definitely overdue. Does he see himself marrying you? (Assuming he says of course). Then you can ask when he thinks would be a good time for that to happen. (He probably says Gee I Don't Know). Then you say, I was thinking it might be nice to be engaged by this time next year (or whatever). Then he reacts to that.
In my opinion, you're right, engagement talk (if not actual engagement) is perfectly sane 18 months into a relationship, considering your ages.
I say speak up and ask him if he had any idea on a timeline for a proposal? For me the timeline seems very reasonable, but boys are a different creatre! My partner has certain things he wants sorted before he proposes - such as our finances - it is all about him being comfortable in becoming a husband.
Good luck with the talk - let us know how you go!
I really appreciate all the postings so far. Thank you!
I completely agree with the advice of having a discussion. I just really can't get beyond the hope that he will bring it up first. Honestly, it would mean more to me if he did, for some reason. I would like for him to start a discussion about our future and propose without prompting from me. And, I would like for it to be a surprise and a special moment in our relationship....not the means to an end of a compromise or discussion.
I feel like I'm sort of ready to give it just a bit longer - maybe another 4-6 months before moving forward with an engagement or a timeline to engagement. But, I can't see myself going forward as is much longer than that.
I suppose my true hope is that I would have a year of engagement and then 3-4 years of marriage before my first child. And if we don't move forward on an engagement in the next year, then I'll be pushing 37, which is older than I would like to be for a pregnancy.
I never thought I might be in the position of a "clock is ticking", "life is passing by" relationship, but I do feel that way a bit. And I guess I just want to know that if he and we aren't going to be in a marriage in the next 2 years, that I need to begin to move in a different direction. I obviously don't want that to be the case. But, I also don't want to be dating someone for years and years in my 30s. I'm ready to built a social, financial, and physical life with someone and IMO that includes marriage.
I feel like it's a tough spot to be in. But I will give it rest of 2010 before pushing a talk....just to see if he hopefully initiates talk about our future and an engagement.
I think any girl would agree it would be more romantic and special if he brought it up on his own and proposed with no prompting, but if that's what happens to you in the next few months, you'd probably be in the small minority. Honestly, to me, it seems totally normal for a couple to discuss these things - at least in general terms- before they happen. I think the risk you take, is he is a typical clueless guy and has *no idea* you were hoping for something so soon (18 months is by no means a "long time" particularly to a guy). So in another 6 months you have this talk and start from ground zero (vs. you could have planted the seed in his head now, and be a lot farther along 6 months from now, if not engaged). Since timing is already weighing on your mind, why delay? Just a thought. Just because you have a discussion about future goals, doesn't mean you have to put him on a timeline, and doesn't mean he can't "take it from there" and surprise you with when/where/how he proposes. Whatever you decide, good luck! This phase is tough to navigate for sure.
i guess the best thing is to initiate.no use waiting for him to bring it up.oh if u feel like ur for lack of a better word,clock is ticking.consider saving eggs .that might put ur mind at ease about the kid thing.no reason u should forgo not being a mom if things dont go according to ur time plan
I think @prettyflowers has a great point about discussing it now, and then waiting for him to do things on his timeline.
I understand that it would mean a lot more if he brings it up, but he's not a mind reader, so he might not. Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to not talk about it and then wait 4-6 months for a proposal? If he doesn't propose in 4-6 months, what are you going to do then? Because if you wait 4-6 more months and he doesn't propose and then you talk to him, he's going to feel really blindsided. And feel like he's been given an ultimatium.
You need to do what is best for you, but I don't think there is any thing to lose from bringing it up. If you don't feel comfortable being direct, ask him what he sees happening in his future. Assuming he says something about marriage or you in his future, you can ask him what your future relationship looks like (are you dating, married, etc). If he mentions marriage, ask when he thinks would be a good time to get married. That way you aren't really bringing it up.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Re: saving my eggs.
I would consider this, especially in a few years, but I don't think it's an emergent issue right now. First, it's costly, upwards of 20k plus annual storage fees. My insurance wouldn't cover it. And it would also mean that to use the eggs would require additional fertility treatments in the future, IVF, which would add another 15-50k to the price. Again, my insurance doesn't cover.
I suppose if I get into the age 35 territory then I'll have to consider more options to increase my years of fertility, but for now, I'm hopeful that I will have a marriage and partner. Since I'm 30 (almost 31), I do think I have time before I have to do anything drastic.
Re: talking to my boyfriend now about a future marriage
I can really see value in this. I know that he does want to get married - he has mentioned such and we do talk in general terms about marriage. And we've talked about engagement length previously too because of two life situations 1.) his brother married someone he knew for just 2 months and 2.) his close friends had a very short engagement after dating for a year. He knows that I prefer to have at least a year to get certain things in order (financial docs, etc) and plan a wedding.
I guess I would still like to give it a few more months before I initiate a conversation. Maybe 4-6 months is too long, but I would like to wait through the summer. We have 2 big trips coming up (South America and France) and I also have a bday so there are some "proposal" moments coming up for sure. I'd like to just see what happens in those situations. I know that when we last went to Europe we had a really lovely conversation about our future - so there is something about vacation that is relaxing, etc.
Re: what I would do with no engagement
I have decided that I am willing to give this relationship 3 solid years of dating. If at the end of 3 years we are not engaged, I will need to move on. So we're 18 months in, which gives me time, in my own mind, to see what will come next. Since we're older (a bit) and more established, I think that 3 years of dating is MORE THAN ENOUGH time to decide to become engaged. In 18 more months I'll be 32 and he'll be 35. If we don't know by then, I just don't think we ever will. At that point something else would be at play in the stalling - not just waiting to see about compatibility.
I don't want to rush things at ALL. In fact, I enjoy dating, etc. But, I also want to build a life with someone and I can't be naive about my age. I also want someone who is ready to move on with their life too.
@IvyCouple - my personal approach was different that most of the others who have commented. I started dating my husband at 27 (he was 30). WE moved in together after about 2 years - with limited discussion on engagement / marriage. Basically it was just an acknowledgement that moving in together was not something either of us took lightly, and that our intention was that it was the next step before we would get engaged - but no timeline, no long conversation.
I knew I wouldn't renew a lease unless we were engaged - but I never mentioned this to him because I very much wanted a proposal to be because he wanted to, not because he felt pressured. Well about 9 months after we moved in together he proposed and I was so happy I hadn't said anything. We never discussed rings or anything - which for many is taboo, but for us was perfect! I also loved dating, loved the time being together while dating - and all the suspense and excitement that brought. I never felt like I was "waiting"
So back to you :) Do what feels right for you guys - 18 months is not that long, you aren't that old. If you want to give it another 4-6 months, do that! Just stick to your 3 year plan so you don't find yourself in this for years!
You should talk to your SO about your desire to get married in the near future and tell him why you want to marry him and exactly what you love about him. Ask him what his thoughts are and be sure to discuss children. If he is hesitant or apprehensive then find out why. Try to show him through your words and ACTIONS that he has nothing to fear. Then don't discuss it with him anymore for 3-4 months. Give him time to let everything soak in. But you must set a date in your head that you wil walk away from the relationship if you don't have a ring. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DO NOT TELL YOUR SO THIS DATE!
This will only work if you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself to walk away if it doesn't happen in your time line. I think this will work best because this way he is not being pressured into marriage because he has no clue about your timeline.
You can bring up marriage every 3-4 months or so though to gage how he feels.
If you do love him though I'd give him at least one year after the first conversation.
For some people marriage is just not important and perhaps his timeline is just more spread out than yours, but you have to ask to find out...
I just wanted to pop in with a little update.
Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking more about engagement rings, weddings, etc. without prompting from me.
In the last couple of weeks, my boyfriend has been initiating talk about engagement rings. He brought up the ring of a business school classmate, asking me what I thought about a 3-stone style. (not a fan necessarily)
And because friends of his are currently planning a wedding, he asked me what kind of wedding I've always wanted to have. (small, small, small) We were able to talk a bit about that. Honestly, I didn't go overboard with it, but I did say that it would be nice to have something small and intimate.
Finally, the sweetest thing was when we were recently on vacation recently, I overheard him introducing me as "his wife" to some other guests at the hotel. He didn't realize that I had overheard him, and I haven't mentioned it since. But, that was very sweet to hear.
So for now, I'm happy that I'm not pushing the talk about getting engaged because it seems like he's thinking along those lines on his own. I would still really like to give it until the winter or so without pushing just to see where we are then.
I think this is all really positive news and wanted to share it here. I appreciate all the feedback so far! Things are going in the right direction, I think.
When I first started dating my BF I gave him 5 years. Yeah a long time, I know. But we've been together for 4 1/2 years now and still no ring. I think he gets a kick out of me waiting till the last minute, JUST BECUASE I A GAVE HIM A TIMELINE. He'll most likely wait till the minute after our 5 year anniversary.
:) I don't think you need to say a thing and if you want a completly unprompted moment I would keep quite. To me it's clear he's thinking about it and will propose soon.
I'm in that minority of people who never discussed it before the proposal. Never, nothing. He never asked about what rings I liked (we paused once before a ring display in Europe... after which he exclaimed he didn't want me to get ideas... talk about mixed messages) and he mentioned that his aunt thought we should elope - that was absolutely it for hints. Mind you the proposal was him asking me on the sidewalk (to me if you don't know it's coming - not just don't know when but even whether or not it is - you don't need any props to make it wow).
I had been thinking about it for a little bit and had suspected that he was thinking about it (while second guessing my own intuition). I'm 24 so I was in zero rush and was glad to have the time to think about it and decide what I wanted. If you feel like the two of you are headed that way - trust yourself.
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I have been dating my boyfriend for 18 months. Of that time, we have lived together for 9 months. I would say that our relationship is truly wonderful - we're very compatible and have a great time together. Over the 18 months, we've traveled abroad twice, had an emergency surgery experience, and even renovated a bathroom in my house (I own, he lives with me). So, we've really seen each other through varied experiences and challenges.
We're both established in our careers, he with an MBA and me a PhD, although he has some pretty substantial MBA debt, which bothers him far more than me. I've been a home owner for quite some time. He's 34 and I'm 30. I guess it feels like we're headed towards marriage; however, we haven't ever really had a discussion about it specifically.
He does say that he wants our relationship to be perm and we talk about the future often - far future, like in 10 years and beyond. But, there is very little discussion of what that means as far as a timeline goes.
We're close with each other's families, talking several times a month. They're all kind of wondering.....well, when is the big day. And, frankly, I'm wondering the same.
I guess my question is: What would be a reasonable timeline for an engagement under these circumstances?
I feel congnizant that I do not have years to wait for him to decide about marriage and possible children given that I'm almost 31. But, I also hate to be "that girl" who is obsessed about where things are going and when. And I would really prefer not to bring it up - I would really like for him to initiate a conversation about it, if that makes sense.
I guess my ideal situation would be an engagement this summer with a spring 2011 wedding and possibly a child at 35 or 36. But, given that we're as close as we are and sharing as much as we do and marriage hasn't been discussed, I really wonder what he's thinking?
Has anyone else been in this situation? I'd love to hear your thoughts.