Constant Fights with SO about inlaws, need advice please

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
6953 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Oceanchild:  I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s clearly very hurtful and stressful for you. I’m going to give you my observations from reading your post and I hope you know I’m trying to be helpful.

Many of your complaints about them treating you poorly seem like totally normal behavior to me, honestly. My SO’s sisters love me. Because my personality is more like theirs and SO is definitely the odd man out, I would venture to say they like me MORE than they like him. Still, if there is any planning to be done, they call him. They text him, facebook him…. never ever ever me. That’s not an indication that they don’t like me, it’s simply that HE is their brother, so they call HIM. 

I am also assuming that at the wedding your SO was at a family table and you were not. That sucks, but it’s not terribly uncommon. Lots of dates of members of the wedding party or the family have to sit at a different table. You guys aren’t even engaged yet, so you’re not being treated as family. You’re not in family photos and not at the family table…. it makes perfect sense.

Yes, your other complaints are valid. They are freezing you out and not being warm and welcoming, but is there any chance they are treating you that way because you have had very negitive reactions to perfectly normal behavior and now they have a bad impression of you?

Post # 4
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @Oceanchild:  First and foremost I see this is your DEBUT Post… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob around here… lol

(Not really a snob, it is just that I know too much about Etiquette)

So let me address the Wedding situation…

As his SO you were invited, that was nice.  That at least meant that SOMEONE recognized you and made an effort to include you.

(In many cases people follow the Etiquette Rule where only Married – Living Together – or Engaged Couples are invited as a two-some.  Altho I personally am a big proponent of those in the Wedding Party and Adult Siblings of the Couple should ALWAYS get a Plus One)

As for sitting away from our BF during the Ceremony & Meal, I am going to guess that this was because he was in the Wedding Party.

If that was the case, then what happened to you in those instances is not unusual.

In many places, (and traditional etiquette) if there is a Head Table, then the SOs / Dates of those at the High Table sit in a seperate location.

And as for the Wedding Photos themselves… sorry but you are not a member of the Family yet… that ONLY happens when you have a WBand on your finger… until then you are just the GF and NOT FAMILY

So sweetie, I get you may not like his family so much, but by these accounts you weren’t snubbed at the Wedding.  So that is a Non-Issue.

As for the rest of your post…

As per your own admission you guys are Dating (he’s your SO) and therefore not your Fiance / Life Partner just yet.

I gotta ask how old are you guys ?

It does sound as if his family isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you’d like, but maybe that has a lot more to do with family dynamics towards their son / brother, than actually something directed at you.

Stopping your feet and getting upset about all this stuff won’t endear them to you… infact it will just make things worse.

My best advice is to go with the flow, smile a lot, and be the supportive GF, cause right now that is all you are

And being the “good GF” will stand you well with them in the future.

Hope this helps,


Post # 5
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Oceanchild:  So eventually i told him I couldn’t take the hurt and injuries any more and was done with them and he is supportive of that. As far as I am concerned though, he hasn’t done enough to support me in this whole issue. He has argued with them about their behaviour towards me, but there are no consequences.

What consequence would he betsow upon them for not liking you? The only acceptable answer would be…to cut them out completely which you claim you would never ask him to do. I think you DO want him to stop communicating with him because you are upset that he still spends time with them. You can tell me all day long that it isn’t why you are upset, but from your post it really is. He visits them himself, he did everything you asked him to do (leave you out), and you still aren’t happy. You want him to give his own parents consequences for not liking his girlfriend. What consequences should YOU have then for not even attempting to mend it with them and putting your SO in the middle?

You are an SO of ONE YEAR, not a wife. All of these things sound fairly normal to me like cutting you out of planning and pictures. If he had to travel for his sister’s b-day, they probably did want him there on your birthday because that was when they celebrated.

He obviously doesn’t want to let either of you go. He loves you but he loves his family too and telling him to give his family consequences is like asking him to choose between you and him. No offense, but I would choose family over someone I wasn’t engaged to and had only been dating a year, so I would tread lightly and truly try to make nice or as nice as possible.

*I also want to add that they are probably upset about him moving back to your home country. How far is it from where they live? Have you moved back there yet? I assume you have if he has been flying to see them, but have all these issues really been taking up your guy’s time that much? You barely have to see them same with your SO.

Post # 6
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your man is not putting you first (based on your example of the birthday) I’m sorry that would bother me, can’t lie. However, the facebook, the wedding dress shopping and actual wedding situation is pretty normal to be as PP have said. You are the GF of a year I wouldn’t have you in my family wedding picks either. Sucks but its true. 

Smetimes the GF title doesn’t carry any weight, especially with only a year in. Many families aren’t that close to siblings SOs simply because they don’t know things will turn out. So perhaps they are looking for more of a committment level (engagement) between the two of you, before they invest in more energy so to speak. I’m not saying its right or wrong, but its just what it is at times.

Or perhaps, they just don’t feel the need to be particularly close to you. Everyone has their own comfort levels. Better to accept than to think that because you want to be close, they should want that as well. I think you need to start managing your expections more so you stop being disappointed when things don’t go your way.

Post # 7
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Some of your concerns seem unfounded. Like the wedding dress shopping and the wedding photos – you’ve only been together for a YEAR..I probably wouldn’t want my sibling’s relatively new SO to come with me to buy a wedding dress. And I probably wouldn’t want him or her in my wedding photos, either. What happens if you break up? Then you’re stuck in those moments forever. Not saying you will break up, but for someone who is outside of the relationship, it’s hard to know those things. 

BUT, if this is bothering you, your SO should talk to his family about how they’re treating you. Like I said, most of this stuff sounds pretty normal, so they may not even realize that you feel left out or ignored.

Post # 8
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Oceanchild:  I see two issues here.  First, your SO absolutely needs to step up to the plate.  You two are serious – living together, talking about a future.  If he’s serious about marrying you he needs to understand what that means.  He has to treat you like you’re his priority.  He needs to be willing to go to bat for you when people – including family – treat you poorly.  He told you to handle it yourself?  I’m sorry, but that is so crappy to do to you.  So not only is he neglecting you and your feelings, he’s giving you the burden to fix it?  No.  That’s so wrong.

Second issue, you need to adjust your expectations a little here.  You can’t force relationships with these people.  Learn to pick your battles… for example, the wedding – not a hill to die on.  Even the pictures.  Some families are different and don’t consider you family until your married in.  If he was in the bridal party and had to be certain places throughout the night it’s ok that you were left alone.  Don’t assume it was a personal snub.

You need to have a serious chat with your SO.  He needs to nut up here and ask his family what’s up.  If he’s unwilling to do this, I’d seriously reconsider whether or not you want to marry this guy.  A man that won’t put his wife first is not husband material.  Good luck.  I hope he comes to his sense.

Post # 9
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Oceanchild:  it’s hurtful that they don’t seem to want to be get to know you and appear to be rather cold to you, but I would give them some time and be patient. 

Even though I like my sister’s boyfriend and am always friendly to him, I never really contact him, and while I wouldn’t crop him out of wedding guest photos or anything like that (that’s kinda mean!), I would not include him in family shots unless he and my sister were married. We’re a small, close knit family and very private, and it just takes time to let new people in. Now that they’re approaching 2 years together, we are making a little bit more of an attempt. 🙂 I’m guessing once you are engaged and planning a wedding, things will change. In the meantime, kill them with kindness! It can only benefit you in the end and will make you look so good in front of your SO. 😉  

However, I definitely disagree with his “you need to handle them yourself” point of view. Nope, they are HIS family, and HE needs to interfere on your behalf if they are badmouthing you or treating you badly. If he is going to be your husband, that is unacceptable behavior – he can’t control their actions, but he can control what he does and says in response.

Post # 10
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Oceanchild:  Unfortunately he doesn’t get it and I don’t think he’s going to get it.  If you don’t like his behavior in regards to his family, especially him blatantly choosing his family over you, then you need to break things off with him.  You have already pointed out that you don’t want to spend the next couple of decades with a guy that refuses to stick up for you.  Obviously his family is more important to him than you.  The problem is not going to go away, it’s going to get worse.  Any time he gripes about you to them they are going to encourage him to break up with you (or divorce you if you actually get married, which I seriously doubt.)  He’s wasting your time in my opinion.

P.S. The wedding situation does not sound out of line.  Until you’re married to him, you don’t get to be in family photos and they can crop you out.  Sorry.  Sitting you away from him at the reception was kind of shitty unless he was in the bridal party, then it would make sense.

Post # 11
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Truthully? The fact that he allows his family to treat you this way is NOT a good sign of things to come. I am afraid if you pursue this relationship that you have many heartaches ahead of you.

I hope like hell I am completely wrong!

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