Weddingbee boards

This is long....sorry I didn't think it would be until I finished writing it..... thanks if you venture into reading it!

Well, we eventually got everyone to the shop for their dresses yesterday and it turns out this shop didn't in fact have the dress they told me over the phone they did - they had one similar but I really thought it was terrible and so did the girls, which was most important because hey - they have to wear the thing.

I wasn't worried though, I mean we were in a dress shop so we'd pick a new one right? Easy. Ha!

I suggested we look at another dress or two and my bridesmaid MJ (real name not used..), the one that actually replaced the one that was booted a few months ago pipes in and loudly announces "No! You picked that dress and we are waiting to find out if they have it upstairs somehwere you're not changing your mind because the shop messed up"

Okay not only did I feel utterly stupid, because - silly me I thought this wasy my wedding, but the WHOLE shop was looking at me. I'm talking Saturday afternoon packed, dress shop!

I quitely said "I really would prefer to look for a new dress, we've all decided that one is horrid so let's just look around and see...." I was cut off....by MJ who again screamed at me about going with the one dress I really loved and blah blah.

I tired explaining to her then that I really didn't pick that dress, my sister and the former bridesmaid did and I went with it because it made them happy and it looked nice, as the exact dress was no longer available - I didn't want to use new version because the sash was terrible and they others all agreed.

I felt like I was standing on the edge of a volcano waiting for it to go off. She was literally going to kill somoene, so I walked away and asked for a few books from teh counter to let her calm down.

I went back and guess what - she had this great idea - TO LOOK AT A NEW DRESS! Ugh! Well problem solved right? Dress being picked.

By a miracle of GOD all the maids loved the new picked dress and it was the first one they found, we started the measureing process and felt relieved that things were going well.

Now, remember I said the shop was packed? Well I'm talking like 4 dressing rooms, 2 mirrors and we were over flowing! They over booked everything and they womaon workeig were stressed and running! Well my maids start to get a bit irritated because it's taking 20 minutes EACH to enter their info into the computer and take their payments. Which are more then they originally expected because it's a new dress, that remeber they picked...

Well MJ starts in complaining. About how this shop is terrible and how do they stay in business and on and on.  A few minutes later it's that she can't bleieve that she's having to wear that size dress and order the extra yard of material because it's so expensive (she's real tall) a few minutes later - more complaining. I get up and go out side and just cry. This is supposed to be an ok time, I mean not like a huge blast for them or anything but I was really looking forward to it and everything Ive done is being complained about, no matter how accomodating.

Another maid came out and got me laughing and was really understanding of how much stres I was under and said she was a bit annoyed with how MJ had taken over the scene and was beign rude, but we'll get through it. I went back in and MJ was paying for the dress.

First she didn't have enough so another maid borrowed her the extra $15, then never said thank you - I said it for her finally and then offered to pay her back for MJ because she obviously didn't care about it. Then she tells the womoan behind the counter that she has is $115 to put down and thats all and she'd better take it because that's all she's getting...really snotty then tosses the money on the counter.

I'm out of my mind with embarrasment at this point and back to near tears because of it. I love her for who she is but a certian level of public curtosy is needed to function in life, you know?

MJ complains the WHOLE time about the cost, of a dress she actually was the first to pick out and went on and on about it so long I said real chipper and like it was out of the blue "If anyone might feel that the cost of being in thewedding is too much, please let me know privatley and we'll get it sorted - I don't want any of you stressed because of a finacial burdon due to the wedding" it was quite, only they heard it and not drirected at anyone. I doubt MJ even knows I heard her complain all day.

Most of the girls said "No no we expected this, but thanks, most brides would have been like TOUGH!!" except MJ who rolled her eyes and said "I don't even know why you'd say that, how rude." 

So we all get through paying, I'm clenching my teeth by now and we are all supposed to be going out to eat. Mj and 2 other maids leave to get us a table and I follow later with my FMIL who was also there (but off looking at things and what not most of the time, she didn't see a lot of this happen)

We get to Applebee's and I sit down to only hear MJ complaing again - but this time it went too far - her exact words were ( I am SO sorry I hope not to offend anyone!) were "I don't know about you, but I feel like I've just been raped in the ass"

Aaaaaagggghh!

A - she said it in public in a family establishment - quite loud in fact!

B- while I'm sitting next to my FMIL

I'd had it - I called attention  to the table and said as nice as I could with out crying:

"Okay please let me say this. I know being in a wedding is spendy and I'm sorry. I'm tryng to make things inexpensive where I can. I will not have all this constant complaining about MY wedding. I get that you're unhappy about some stuff, ok understandable - but please don't complain around me at least because it's really really hurtful to feel like I'm causeing others so much stress and finacial strain. And on top of that I've bent over backwards to make things work for all of you by changing what I can..."

MJ rolls her eyes, cuts me off and tells me I don't know what I'm talking about that we weren't talking about anythign like that and then goes into a complaint/story about the dress shop. Realizing that she's totally missed the point I stood up and greabbed my coat and purse, wished everyone a nice lunch and left. 

All before the waitress even coule come get our drink order that happened. 

I cried the whole way home, mostly because of the stress but also the frustration of knowing I was making my self clear, I told her why I was upset and still she just didn't get it. Halfway home I tried to call her and told her I loved her personalility but that she had to understand somethings were not ok and what she said about the "rape" thing and the constant complaint, though she didn't find them hurtful - I did. She didn't get it. Just a bunch of complaints again.  

I fought back every instinct to yell at her and just stayed calm and polite - but I'm at a loss. I'm waiting to see if it blows over though she won't return my e-mails, where I remind her we've been trough worse...and that she's always been a great friend so I hope she can understand where I'm coming from....and on and on.

Trust me I know she's no responded  because she's embarrased of her behavior....I just kept thinking, OMG this is going to happen on my wedding day - I'm going to have to fight with her on that day too.

I'm stupafied. Do I boot her and buy her out of her dress as I still have one maid in CO that needs one and I could just swap the order over to her? I can just keep it with 4 maids, we could pull a groomsmen no problems, he's offered before...lol....I'm open to a million things that we've come up with...just don't know what to go with.....

And please - for the sake of sanity if your response is only going to be about how I screwed up and was rude, keep it to yourself because you've obviously misread this very long and boring post (and I don't blame you, I'd have been asleep by now reading it myself...lol) I have the support of 4 other people there that day -you guys rock but sometimes misunderstand whats being questioend and attact the posters personality instead, ehich can lead somoene to feel attacked as I did the other day.

Thanks for getting all the way through this if post!

Oh Sweeney - that's so horrible. My kneejerk response is to boot MJ from the party. She was so out of line; you made it clear you were distressed. At first I thought, "Well, maybe she's trying to stick up for you with the store screwing up," but she's been so unresponsive to your obviously being upset, you know? Like, I can see her talking bad about the shop for misleading you, but then she goes on and on even when you make it clear you don't want/need to hear it...what a downer.

But one positive: it sounds like you've got another maid who's super supportive and in tune with you. That's awesome. Have you talked to her about the situation? What was her take on it? 

The other maid thinks MJ should keep her mouth shut a little more. She's kinda like my "zanax" LOL calms me down and helps me out. SHe hates what happened yesterday and she coulnd't be at the lunch because another oblagation - so I had to call her and tell her about it - in tears...lol I looked like th Joker by the time I got home with mascara running down my face! hahahaha!

I bet. I've got a friend like that who's been such a Debbie Downer throughout the whole process. I've luckily avoided making her a 'maid (by not picking them yet), but I'm sure there will be drama around it when the time comes.

Do you think MJ could keep her mouth shut? Is it possible that she got caught up in criticizing the shop and just let that negative energy overwhelm her, then didn't know how to back down? Some people don't know how to recover from that and get so embarrassed that they just keep going. That doesn't really excuse her comments, but might explain them a bit. (Or she's just a beeyotch.)

Anyway, maybe give it a few days to see if MJ can calm herself down and better explain why she said those things, and apologize for upsetting you. If she can't do that, then I'm not sure if she's somebody you want around leading up to your wedding day. It sounds like she's going to exacerbate your stress. 

No, I doubt she could have kep her mouth shut. Not out of embarrasment but because of the beeyotch thing. The odd thing is, she's  really been like this a long time and I never foubnd it to be a bad thing, because normlly I agreed with her on subjects she'd complain about...

Oddly enough the other day when the dress fiasco happened with my sisters she was like "These people need to know this is YOUR day and you'll have what you want" and went on and on....like my number one fan or something...??? Weird huh? To then go right to Debbie Downer...

I just wonder if she got SO caught up in defending you against the dress shop that she just went overboard. I mean, if you're crying and upset she should clearly change the subject, but maybe she just went so over the top hating on the dress shop that she didn't realize you were taking it personally -- insulting the dress choice because the shop didn't have what you want, making (inappropriate) comments about feeling taken advantage of by the dress shop...etc. Has she been like this about any other aspects of the planning?

Wait and see how she responds to your emails, I guess. Maybe you guys can work it out and she can redirect some of her ferocity toward really working for you in more appropriate ways... 

ha ha. i think baba has a great point - MJ does seem like she enjoys running the show and dominating the group. i'm still leaning toward booting her. i talk a great game about patience, communicating, etc., but this girl sounds like she'll be trouble for you in the long run. you don't want her there with you as you're getting ready on your wedding morning, complaining about something...

I'll send you the dress info Baba - hell I'll even pay for it!!! LOL Booting her and adding you sounds like a good idea to me!

Tarlonda - thanks! :-) I actually tried that one yesterday, over thep hone and in e-mail to which I'm stillwaiting on a response :-( So I'm trying a new way - I'm mass e-mailing the BM's with my concerns and what needs to happen. Those who it's not entirely directed towards, know to disregard it but the e-mail is very straight forward in saying that I can't keep making this about them, I'm sorry for prices but I've been very good about finding the best prices around to ave a buck here and there and that wanting to be in a wedding and being able to afford it are 2 different things."

well that higlights a few issues, but you get the point.

I'm hopeing that by not feeling singled out, she might respond better, you know? She's not the type to admit or understand when she's gone to far. And like Suzanna mentioned with her friend, I too let her take over when it's me and her but in this group setting it was too much....and I can't have it anymore.

I feel hugely Bride Zilla, but I suppose that theres no more to do about it if she can't understand the simple rules of communication in polite society.

And to answer ENMOORES question:

I have 5 maids, and 5 GM's, my sisters worked out ok in the end but it took some doing - my mom had a spaz that didn't need to happen according to my step dad and he brought in the 6 year old. The MOH (my older sis) my Bio dad felt so bad that all this was happeneing he ended up footing the bill for the dress.  If I boot MJ I'll be down to 4 maids.

I'm hoping that won't have to happen but I suppose I'll have to wait it out. 

my FI got to be a groomsman in a wedding where there was one extra bridesmaid. he had no problem escorting two ladies up the aisle. ; )