(Closed) Constantly complaining bridesmaid, did she go too far?

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh Sweeney – that’s so horrible. My kneejerk response is to boot MJ from the party. She was so out of line; you made it clear you were distressed. At first I thought, "Well, maybe she’s trying to stick up for you with the store screwing up," but she’s been so unresponsive to your obviously being upset, you know? Like, I can see her talking bad about the shop for misleading you, but then she goes on and on even when you make it clear you don’t want/need to hear it…what a downer.

But one positive: it sounds like you’ve got another maid who’s super supportive and in tune with you. That’s awesome. Have you talked to her about the situation? What was her take on it? 

Post # 5
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I bet. I’ve got a friend like that who’s been such a Debbie Downer throughout the whole process. I’ve luckily avoided making her a ‘maid (by not picking them yet), but I’m sure there will be drama around it when the time comes.

Do you think MJ could keep her mouth shut? Is it possible that she got caught up in criticizing the shop and just let that negative energy overwhelm her, then didn’t know how to back down? Some people don’t know how to recover from that and get so embarrassed that they just keep going. That doesn’t really excuse her comments, but might explain them a bit. (Or she’s just a beeyotch.)

Anyway, maybe give it a few days to see if MJ can calm herself down and better explain why she said those things, and apologize for upsetting you. If she can’t do that, then I’m not sure if she’s somebody you want around leading up to your wedding day. It sounds like she’s going to exacerbate your stress. 

Post # 7
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I just wonder if she got SO caught up in defending you against the dress shop that she just went overboard. I mean, if you’re crying and upset she should clearly change the subject, but maybe she just went so over the top hating on the dress shop that she didn’t realize you were taking it personally — insulting the dress choice because the shop didn’t have what you want, making (inappropriate) comments about feeling taken advantage of by the dress shop…etc. Has she been like this about any other aspects of the planning?

Wait and see how she responds to your emails, I guess. Maybe you guys can work it out and she can redirect some of her ferocity toward really working for you in more appropriate ways… 

Post # 8
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

You did the right thing by leaving lunch. She was rude and inappropriate and hopefully someone gave her an earful after you left.

My opinion is going to be a little different than most…

It seems to me that she is the "take over the crowd" kind of friend. If you want her in the wedding, you guys are going to have to have a serious talk… and you are going to have to put her in her place. I’ve read about different relationships and the dynamics people work together- she seems like the attention seeker, time manipulator/monopolist and "me,me,me" kind of person. Seriously. Pull out the b**ch. Tell her that she is being rude and inconsiderate and flat out inappropriate. You understand things didn’t happen the way she expected, but it’s not her place to go on like that. Do not let her cut you off and do not let her run the conversation.
Personally, I would have walked over to her when she was paying for the dress and apologized for her immature and rude behavior while she was paying- right in front of her and demean her like a child- I know you’re too sweet to be rude like that and embarass someone, but she seems like she needs a taste of her own medicine. Because that is seriously what it seems it will take to put her in her place.

And if she has a problem with any of it, just boot her… and if you have one too many groomsmen, then just let one lucky lady walk down the aisle with two sexaaay mens! And hey, I’ll come stand for you if you need a fill in!

Post # 9
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

ha ha. i think baba has a great point – MJ does seem like she enjoys running the show and dominating the group. i’m still leaning toward booting her. i talk a great game about patience, communicating, etc., but this girl sounds like she’ll be trouble for you in the long run. you don’t want her there with you as you’re getting ready on your wedding morning, complaining about something…

Post # 11
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

What ended up happening with your little sister and MOH sister?  Are they still in the wedding party?  You said if you removed MJ you’d be down to four – so I was just trying to figure out who is still in your wedding party and your groom’s wedding party.

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not going to attack you!  Here’s a question though: I think you should directly ask her, "Is this all too much?  You don’t thave to be in the wedding.  It seems like you really don’t want to be in it, and I don’t want you to feel like you must."  And then repeat mantra about IF YOU ARE going to be in it, I can’t hear all this BS all the time.  It’s just negative, and I’m sick of it.  Nicer.  Maybe 🙂  I’m not one to boot people, but she’s totally asking for it. It’s not crazy for you to want to be positive about your wedding.  I actually have a friend (not as bad as this), but I could see lots and lots of complaining… and I wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.

 

Post # 13
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Sweeney I am so sorry; you are having a lot of stressful stuff going on lately.  I hope that you can work things out with your friend.  If you think you can let her know how you feel in a way that will actually help, I would try.  I can totally sympathize, as I had a friend who sounds similar.  She was actually the best friend – totally supportive, really helpful, very organized, and lots of fun.  Unfortunately she had this need to be completely in control of the situation at all times.  That was fine whenever it was just me and her, as I don’t mind letting her take over.  But the more people you put in the mix, the worse it gets, because not only is everyone not following her lead, but people actually disagree with her.  Which is normal, of course, but she handled it badly every time.  While we lived in the same state we were good friends, although it got to the point that I purposely did stuff with just her, and didn’t include her when I hung out with my other friends.  Now that I have moved, I don’t see her at all – because when I visit I don’t have time to exclude everyone else to see just her.  It’s very sad, as we were great friends for years, but in the end it was just too much work to continue being her friend.

On the other hand, my sister is sort of the same way.  But she is really good at stepping back if you can point out to her nicely that she is out of line.  Maybe one of the other maids could help with this?  Maybe you can have a heart-to-heart with her?  Maybe you guys can have a code word or something dorky like that you can use to let her know when its too much – before you are in tears and have to leave.  At least you can explain to her that your FMIL and others are not used to the kind of language you all use when its just you (or she uses when its just you) and maybe she could keep that in mind… just to avoid shocking them.

Post # 15
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You know, I thought my sister was pretty bridezilla when she got married but I now completely understand!  You totally have a right to expect people who have agreed to be in your wedding to be supportive, or at least not disruptive.  I don’t think our unmarried friends really appreciate how much work and worry goes into it…

I am so glad that the issue with your mom worked out.  Maybe your stepdad is the calmer one?  My mom also tends to act angry when she is worried about something.  And she worries about things that aren’t really crises.  If I talk to my dad, he is pretty good at talking to her and calming her down.  While I hate to put him in the middle that way, he says its better than just listening to her rant because she’s all worked up and he doesn’t even know what its about!

BTW, my sister ended up with one extra GM.  The last maid just had two guys to walk her down the aisle.  So while I hope it doesn’t work out that way, its an easy problem to solve if it does.

Post # 16
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

my FI got to be a groomsman in a wedding where there was one extra bridesmaid. he had no problem escorting two ladies up the aisle. ; )

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