Post # 1
Sorry this is a long rant and this has been building up for three years.
On the car ride on the way to tell my mother that I was engaged for the first time, I expected her to be excited and that there might be some tears of joy. Instead I received the silent treatment for 20 minutes and an anything but happy response. Some comments were that my engagement ring was too small and why didn’t my fiance ask her permission. I didn’t expect to spend the next half hour in the restaurant bathroom crying my eyes out.
My fiance and I have now been engaged for 3 years. We decided to wait to get married since we were financially unstable when we first got engaged. We also figured she would be more comfortable with the idea of us getting married if we were stable and a tad bit older.
I was so excited last April at my brother’s wedding when she finally acknowledged that we were engaged. She actually seemed to be happy that I was getting married. She even told people that she expected I would get married in 2013 and that she planned to pay for everything. This was the most I have ever heard from my mother regarding my wedding.
Well a month ago, I finally had the budget talk with her. This talk resulted again with me crying and her hanging up the phone on me. I have never dreamt of a big or elaborate wedding. I never expected for my mom to pay for everything, but I least expected her to give the same amount she gave for my brother. She is giving me significantly less and for some reason expects my fiance’s family to give the same amount. I told her that was impossible as his father has been unemployed for a year now and that I would be using some of my savings to pay for any extra costs. She then gave me the disappointed voice and told me that it was unfair for her to pay and for his family not to contribute anything. She then hung up on me.
Yesterday, resulted in the same conversation except me just asking when I would be getting the money as I needed to go ahead and put a down payment on some vendors. She then acted like she couldn’t give me the money and that she doesn’t have it.
I just don’t know what to do. My fiance is stressed out because he now feels like my mom hates him and his family. He basically doesn’t want to have a wedding anymore and just wants to get married in a courthouse. When he says that it just stresses me out and makes me not want to plan anything. I dread having another conversation with my mother even though it needs to be done. I have a meeting with my wedding planner this saturday and I’m not sure what to tell her as I don’t know what the budget is and I’m just not excited anymore.
My dreams of having a wedding where my mother was supportive and excited and just helping me all the way obviously isn’t going to happen. I imagined being able to go wedding dress shopping with her and just basically having her support throughout the whole process. And now I can’t even bring up the word wedding without her ignoring me.
Post # 3
My best advice would be to make the budget based on what you & your FI can afford by yourselves. That’s what we did, because there was no talk/offer from anyone about helping us financially. I’m sorry your mom is being a pain, but I can understand how you’re disappointed about her not being supportive & excited about everything. I had that same problem, my mom didn’t know anything about my wedding, and she didn’t even come to it. But I wouldn’t have a courthouse wedding just because of the problems with your mom. Plan what you can afford. A lot of couples these days end up having to pay for everything themselves, unfortunately.
Post # 4
I think your mother has her reasons for the way she feels, and you should put yourself in her shoes more. She probably feels like she is expected to pay for a wedding for which her blessing was never asked. I feel your stress but it may be more important to mend your fiancé’s relationship with your mom than to worry about finances right now.
Post # 5
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and although she does and then doesn’t seem to want to help you, maybe you should just pay for it on her own. Or at least you can start to, all the way up until your wedding there will be money going out the window, so there will always be something to pay for if she so decides to feel inclined. Many brides these days are paying for their weddings on their own, including myself. I was told at a young age that my mother had no intentions on paying or for my wedding, when I got engaged, she told me she’d help with the dj – which is a friend of ours, so she won’t be all that expensive anyway. Sometimes mothers have mixed feelings about when their daughters get engaged, I know mine did. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy, it was that me getting married meant that I’m no longer her little girl, the one that she can try to boss around. And, it also makes her realize that she, herself, is getting older. I think that really hits home for her.
Post # 6
I’m sorry she is being this way, I totally understand why you were upset. It’s not fair, but unfortunately it’s the way she is going to be so you have to move on without her support. I agree with @roweboat plan a wedding that you and your FI can afford. In the end, the most important thing is you’re marrying the one you love.
Post # 7
Sweetheart, trust me, it suuuure sounds like you’ll be better off planning and paying for this wedding yourselves. Otherwise, your mom will always be holding something over your heads and it is like asking to be set up for disappointment with her reactions.
Post # 8
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@ellejay16: Are you expecting your mom to pay for the entire wedding? It sounds like she just said that to show off to someone. IMO she doesn’t need to worry about or know how much your FI’s parents are putting up, and it IS unfair that she’s not giving you as much as she gave your brother — but what are you going to do?
I agree with PPs that you should just plan the wedding that you and FI can afford and don’t rely on her for money, it sounds like she may not be reliable in that aspect.
Post # 9
I’m sorry about your situation. I think the best thing to do is to go with your FI’s suggestion and do a court house wedding so at least you dont have to deal with all the stress/drama
Post # 10
Most couples are paying for at least a large portion or all of their wedding costs these days so plan what you can afford.
I know that you are disappointed with your mother but there may be other issues as to why she is not offering to pay more that you are not aware of…maybe something that she is embarrassed to talk about right now.
Post # 11
@mchitt329: I’m not expecting my mom to pay for my entire wedding. I am putting up some of my savings to pay for the wedding and any extras. I just expected her to give the same amount she gave my brother as she has always said that every sibling gets the same amount.
Post # 12
@ellejay16: Plan a wedding that YOU and your FI can afford.
I’m sorry that you mother’s behavior disappoints you. As you grow older it might be best to remove some expectations of her from your mind. Take what you get from her.
And, if what you “get” is, in the long run, more pain than good stuff, then minimize contact with her.
You have the freedom to craft your own life (inculding a celebratory wedding) that doens’t hinge on what your mother does. Seize the moment, make your own choices for your own life, and live it fully. Too many people get caught in the trap of blaming others for their unhappiness, please don’t let that be you (not saying that it is.)
Post # 14
I haven’t read the other posters but I think your FI has the right Idea. Go get married in the courthouse and do it the way YOU want to do it.
You do NOT need negativity attached to your wedding. Don’t expect your mother do pay for anything. just plan without it.
Post # 14
Your mother sounds like a textbook case of pathological narcissism. Read up on it, I wouldn’t be surprised if you have about a dozen “aha!” moments.
Post # 15
I hear your frustration, I can relate to the feeling when family members (especially mom) aren’t excited about a wedding. With the finances… sometimes life is unfair. My parents will pay for my sibling’s wedding and not mine because… we can afford it and he can’t. “unfair”?, maybe, but you can’t think that your parents are going to do everything exactly the same for all siblings the whole way through. Whatever her motives are, try to enjoy being engaged and planning. I have found the “you get opinions you pay for, and you aren’t paying” attitude personally very liberating.
I’m sorry your FI feels like your family dislikes him or his family. That is really hard. But, you need to focus on what you can control, and it doesn’t seem like changing your mom’s mind is something you can control.
I hear you, bee. My mom is very anti-wedding and I can’t bring it up without her telling me what a waste of money it is. But, I’m doing my best not to let it ruin my experience. Good luck.