Constantly fighting 1 month in :-(

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2174 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t think it was appropriate for you to lock him out, and I am also concerned that you married someone whom you label as “he has an awful temper and is scary”.  His reaction was also inappropriate.  You should both work on communication and setting some ground rules for situations like this– compromise is key.  Good luck.

Post # 3
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

OldMrsMcDonald:  I’m hesitant to say this, but this is the OPs first post. Getting a suspicious feeling about this…

Post # 4
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re both behaving badly. He should be able to go clubbing even if he’s married with kids, but he needs to also plan and budget for it. You shouldn’t lock him out. He shouldn’t swear and threaten to leave. You are not communicating well as a couple and you don’t seem to be on the same page about budgets and appropriate behavior. I think you both need to look at the bigger picture and not focus on any one event or fight, and figure out how you’re going to manage money, responsibilities and how you’ll spend free time.

Post # 5
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

” we have argued loads before marriage

So you thought exchanging rings would magically make this go away? He, by your own words, ‘has an awful temper and is scary’ and you want that around your kids? If you literally had to lock him out because you were afraid of him, then you need to take a long hard look at why you’re in this marriage. This guy is around two kids? Scary. All you want is him to show you how is sorry? Scarier. Why on earth would you want someone there if you were generally scared of him? Both of you need to start behaving like adults and like parents. Neither of you sound ready for marriage or parenthood. I mean you have two kids and you are broke because of a wedding? Not sounding like any good common sense is being used between either of you. 

Edit: Of course I’m assuming the kids are yours, too. If not, I still shake my head at both of your behavior. Fighting all the time before getting married = fighting all the time after the wedding. Your issues don’t magically go away with the words “I do.”

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 6
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

carly.a.oneill:  I agree with PP about locking him out, it was a little on the immature side, however, the fact that you are with someone who has a bad temper and you are afraid of (as it seems in your post-which is why you locked him out) thats a big red flag. 

And maybe its not what you said, its how you said it. Maybe you could have said something a long the lines of “honey, we are here at a friends house, and it would be rude to leave. We are also low on funds, so clubbing is not a good idea right now, maybe another time?” Then maybe it wouldn’t have sounded like he was getting scolded by his mother. 

You need to have a serious conversation with him about his temper and your spending habits. 

A majority of the time fights are about money. 

Post # 7
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I dont think its inappropriate that she locked him out. She said he was yelling and has a bad temper so it sounds like it was a good idea.

Post # 8
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

You should both sit down together and have an honest discussion, without arguing, about what happened mad how to handle situations like this in the future. Communication is key to any relationship, and it seems to be sorely lacking here. The way you’ve described your new husband is shocking and makes me wonder why you married him in the first place. Maybe some anger management would he ideal for him too. I would not want a person like you’ve described him to be around my two children at this point in time

Post # 9
Member
4918 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If you’re afraid of him to the point of feeling the need to lock him out, I think it’s well past time for you, OP, to talk to a professional immediately.  Not couples counseling, that would be dangerous with a guy like this.  You, OP would be much better off talking to a knowledgeable domestic violence counselor.  

Do you have any kind of domestic violence services where you live?  Are you in the US?  Your local police should have information about services.  Please get help right away.

Post # 10
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m in the exact same situation,  with an ill tempered man. He goes through cycles. Right now,  we’ve been fighting for almost 2 weeks. I just overcame a 7 year extremely debilitating stretch of chronic pain.  I’m starting to wean off of my pain patches now. I was sending him quotes today about things that women need in relationships.  He said to me “I’ll give you all of that and more when you’re off your drugs” … it’s always something that needs to be done before he’ll love & respect me. He is extremely emotionally & verbally abusive.  I thought we were past it as well. And I am, of course,  to blame for everything.  I’m the reason he has such a bad temper. I’m the reason he screams at me at the top of his lungs. I make him belittle me! I’m so depressed & upset. Marrying him was the worst thing I could’ve done. I’m financially stuck though. I can only work twice a week. I’ve been financially dependant on him for the past several years. I’ve lost all respect for him. I don’t even like him anymore. I know what you’re going through.  Trust me. It makes me wish I wasn’t alive.  Please don’t mistake that as being suicidal. I would never do anything like that. 

Post # 11
Member
2763 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I bet you never get apologies either do you? I don’t. 

Post # 12
Member
2092 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Peanut-Sue:  You should seek help from a mental professional immediately. 

Post # 13
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

Anyone who shouts, screams, frightens you is bad news. Anyone who flips their lid over something as stupid as going clubbing and acts out irrationally is bad news. Staying in a relationship with someone like that when you have 2 kids is awful. Awful for you obviously, but the real losers in this situation are the children. It’s really unfair.

Post # 15
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Well this doesn’t sound good at all, but possibly fixable, depending on a few things.

1. Do you trust him? Has he ever hurt you? If he has, or if you think he might (he sounds borderline abusive) then just LEAVE.   

2. If you trust him and he wants to change your relationship dynamic, your best bet is couples’ therapy. Do some research and see if you can find a provider near you. If both of you go in willing and eager to change, there’s no reason why you can’t improve things.

3. If you can’t do therapy, for some reason, you need to sit down and set some rules about the ways you treat each other. Do you have a budget? It might be worth including a little “fun money” in there so you can enjoy life a bit, IF it is within your budget. But you also need to agree to NOT spend money the rest of the time, so he can’t “get shitty” with you if clubbing isn’t in the plan.

In some ways your husband sounds really immature. I wish you luck with this. I hope things improve.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  prahajess.
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