Constantly having to defend myself and stressed out

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

That all sounds stressful.  You live in CA for a reason, use the distance to your advantage, maybe not share the wedding so much with her?  She doesnt sound like she’s going to be positive,  or that she will suddenly change her behavor, only you can change the situation.  It sucks but maybe you have a great friend you can talk to about your wedding plans?  

Post # 4
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LadyMoriarty:  Why are you telling her these details?  Stop giving her information and she will have nothing to criticize.

Post # 5
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@LadyMoriarty:  I assume you are sending your mom all the stuff because you are having the wedding out of town?

Honestly, your mom is a Debbie Downer. You kind of involve her way too much. So she thinks its too much? That’s her opinion. You can’t control how she feels. YOU are letting yourself get stressed over the situation because you’re letting her control your emotions. I had to learn this the hard wya with my MIL.

Involve your mom as minimal as possible. If your mom doesn’t like something and says, “This is ugly” say, “Ok. Thank you for your opinion.” That’s it. It’s super duper hard to do, but it shuts them down faster than you responding out of stress and anger.

Just FYI it doesn’t end with a wedding, even when you elope. Eloping can be difficult too becuase when you come home, you have to deal with everyone being pissed at you for not involving them. Whichever way you go, then if you decide to have kids, you deal with the same bullshit you’re dealing with now, which is where I am at. It isn’t fun. It’s stressful and EVERYONE knows better, but I have found that telling myself I can’t control people’s feelings, only my reactions has helped. I much more enjoy seeing the look on my MIL’s face when I say, “Thank you” in a sweet voice vesus getting scowly when she gives me a very rude opinion.

Post # 7
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Just don’t tell her anything. At all. Ever. If she asks, tell her things are going fine and leave it at that. She can come and do her thing and if she has comments, just do what I did with my mom and say, “Well mom, it’s not your wedding, it’s mine. So you can keep your opinions to yourself.” If she said anything again I would just say, “Aren’t you glad this is my wedding and not yours?” 

You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. You’re a grown ass woman, and your parents can stuff it. Don’t tell them anything and BE FIRM. 

Post # 10
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You’re going to have to find someone else to discuss your plans with or continue to be stressed out. My mom (she’s actually my grandmother but my mom passed so she has been a mom to me) is very nitpicky and is really pissed that we aren’t having the wedding in my familys backyard because it would be easier for her to attend. Her and my grandfather are always asking me how much I’m spending on xyz, that I’m doing too much – blah blah blah.

She has always been the “queen bee” of family events, she planned my cousins baby shower and my moms sweet sixteen (including designing and creating the gowns). Now she’s older, disabled and less mobile. Since I understand her sentiments but don’t want to deal with the negativity, (she sounds like a debbie downer every time I call her since she got an invite) I’ve switched over to my maternal aunt and cousin. Moral of the story as I previously stated, do not include her in the wedding planning anymore


ETA: Do you know anyone else in NY that you could send things to? Maybe you could schedule going to NY a bit earlier so you can bring up the stuff yourself? I’m closer to NY than you are but my wedding is in NY too and I’m bringing all of my wedding stuff the week of my wedding and leaving it at the venue. 


Post # 11
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@LadyMoriarty:  Blech…..not everyone wins the parent lottery. In fact, no one does…because parents, are weird….mine are, yours are…everyone’s are….and they make us nuts in a way that only they can.

Example:  My father actually has no real interest in me, my life or the nuts and bolts of it…he just wants to be able to point to a photo of me and smile…that’s it.  So when something cool happens, especially something that involves Mr. 99 and I spending money…well, then he is literally up my ass wanting to know how much we spent, why we decided to spend it and where exactly the money came from….when I tell him its none of his business, he always bellows, “I’M YOUR FATHER!” to which I reply….”Then why don’t you ever talk to me?”

That usually ends whatever tear he’s on….

Post # 13
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@LadyMoriarty:  That sounds like an awesome idea! I think you should ask your aunt. But ultimately you’re going to have to work on filtering your mom out or perhaps discussing with her how she’s making you feel? But if she’s anything like my mom she’ll just say “oh please, get over it”. 

Post # 15
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

How difficult.  

Your Mum is behaving how she has behaved for years.

I think you need to minimise your Mum’s involvement.  You may, if you are feeling brave, wish to explain to her why you feel the need to do so.

The main thing is that you and your husband enjoy your wedding.

Good luck.




Post # 16
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@LadyMoriarty:  I think you might want to put more effort on setting and then reinforcing boundaries. Especially the ones where they criticize your dressing and immodest and grab your tummy roll. That is too much.

I would simply let them know that their critiques and physical touching like that are not appropriate, not warranted and no longer, in any way, acceptable.

ETA: I like your idea of sending things to your aunt directly. It is much more efficient too so if your mom complains, just tell her you are taking her advice and simplifying the process.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with them. Can you sit them at a kid’s table? Their behaviour definitely warrants it.


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