Post # 1
I’m getting married very soon. It’s hard to explain the emotions I feel right now. I’m consumed with doubt. All of a sudden I can’t picture life with my soon to be spouse. I’m so anxious about the day of, that any mention of planning sends my head and heart spinning. But it’s more than that. I’m just blank now. I don’t recognize myself. I feel angry. I feel like I’m just going through with this for everyone but me. It’s weighing on my concience. I’m a bad person. I’m scared to let my fi down, but also scared I’ll regret not going through with it.
Is this just jitters? Should I pay any heed to these emotions?
If I do decide to halt our wedding, how am I supposed to break the news? (I feel so cold in asking that)
ugh I could use a hug
Post # 3
Just jitters. While i cant say i ever doubted marrying my hubby, i did hit a wall where i just didnt care about the planning anymore. The wedding really is for the family.
Post # 4
It sounds like it just might be your nerves getting the better of you. There’s a lot going on when planning a wedding so things tend to get built up and you can sometimes get into your own head space a bit too much I think. I think you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed because of all the baggage that comes with planning a wedding and starting a new phase of your life.
That being said, if you really truly feel like you’re making a big mistake, I think you should have a heart to heart with your fiance. You may find that’s all you’re needing right now anyways and that will make you feel a lot better once you get your feelings out there. *HUG*
Post # 5
@friendoftx: ((HUGS)) Welcome to the Hive.
I always feel people should trust their gut instincts in life. It could be just normal nerves you’re experiencing, or it could be something more serious.
How is your relationship with him? Are you happy when you’re with him? Do you feel good about yourself when you’re with him? Do you feel YOURSELF and safe and loved when you’re with him?
Post # 6
I really like these questions Sunfire mentioned. Such an objective and reasonable way to truly examine your relationship and if you are really happy. Its a big decision, and sometimes looking at the enormity of it all can be overwhelming. But when you step back and really think of the times you have spent with your FI and why you said yes, what comes to mind?
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@friendoftx: The question is would you still marry your FI if you eloped tomorrow and didn’t have to deal with any more wedding stress? A marriage is not about a wedding so are you truly afraid of the marriage or the wedding? Have you discussed what you and your FI expect marriage to be like? What about yourself do you not like right now?
Write down everything that is stressing you out and be as specific as possible. Then categorize each concern as being related to the wedding or marriage. So are truly afraid of the wedding or marriage?
It’s never too late to cancel your wedding but make sure you are doing it for the right reason(s). And definitely talk about your fears with your FI and anybody else you trust to talk about it with (mom, MOH, friend, etc….)
Post # 8
@Sunfire: +1 Excellent questions…
Post # 9
Cold Feet / Natural Jitters are very very different from gut instinct fear.
The former is sort of an unexplained thing… you know you LOVE the person you are about to marry, but still you are concerned for the future.
The latter, you can’t quite put your finger on it… you just aren’t sure of where you stand, and whether you are making a wise choice. You start to doubt not only yourself BUT also your partner (cold feet, you only doubt yourself… as in how will I be on my wedding day, will I be a good wife etc)
My buddy @Sunfire: has posed some very valid Questions (wise woman that she is)…
This is the stuff you need to ask yourself.
And as for calling off a Wedding / Engagement… ya ain’t gonna tell you it doesn’t suck… or be embarrassing.
(BUT this is YOUR LIFE, no one else’s… so don’t worry about what others might think or say)
BUT it is waaaay better than the alternative, waking up one day married to someone you don’t love
As someone who’s been thru that… let me tell you divorce is like a gazillion times harder than any other alternatives
I WISH I HAD LISTENED TO MY GUT when I was about to be married the first time… I didn’t and consequently ended up taking 20+ years to figure out we were a bad match as I was sooo in LUST with the man (young – stupid – low self esteem – lost my sense of self & self worth – had babies together – wanted it to work out soooo badly etc)
Just not worth it.
Now that I am married to someone who truly loves me, and treats me well.. I see what a shame it was I wasted my youth on someone who didn’t appreciate it or me.
Lots of stuff to think about…
(( HUGS ))
Post # 10
All of a sudden I can’t picture life with my soon to be spouse.
@friendoftx: I think this statement is very telling. The only person you need to be concerned with letting down is yourself. I wish you the best no matter what decision you come to.
Post # 11
@friendoftx: If you have overall been happy with him and love him then this is just jitters and is normal. I never doubted being with my husband, but at midnight the night before I stopped dead in my tracks and told my MOH, “OMG, I am panicking. This is forever. I will never date again.”
She told me I was just freaking out becuase I didn’t have panties to wear the next day and we went shopping, lol. That part is true too by the way. I forgot panites for the day of, sne had to haul me to Walmart to get some. Silly me 🙂
Post # 12
@megz06: This is so funny, especially the panties part, lol.
As far as the ” I will never date again” aspect-Maybe because my dating experiences were so full of dissapoint and heartbreak, I’m looking forward to never having to date again. I’m one of those girls that never enjoyed the dating scene, or the bar scene, it just wasnt me. And I just couldnt deal with the indecisiveness/back and forthness of men, so when I found FI, who was straight forward from the beginning, hardworking and so value-centered, there was no going back for me!
Now that I’m engaged, even when I have those “omgosh, I’m close to forever” moments, I remember all the pain I went through before him, and how blessed I am to have such an amazing and loving man in my life.
Post # 13
@ddstobe2015: I hear ya. I guess it was more of the newness feeling of a relationship rather than dating again. I liked the warm, butterfly feeling of a first kiss that I will never feel again (which I am kind of wrong about becuase sometimes DH can kiss me a certain way that feels like the first time). I truly hated dating too. Just last night I told DH I was glad I never have to date again, lol.
Your last line was beautifully written.
Post # 14
@megz06: Awwww!! Love your post! and Thanks!
Post # 15
@friendoftx: aww I feel you. Being engaged is a really hard time. Planning a wedding and thinking about marriage are so intertwined it gets really confusing. Can you take a few days to put talking about the wedding and thinking about the wedding on hold so you can get a better sense of what exactly is freaking you out?
@Sunfire: I really like your questions and found them helpful. I’m having my own freakout of sorts because when I’m with FI I feel great and I feel like everything makes sense. From the start it felt right and I never really questioned it since I had never felt that way before. But now, after getting engaged, when I am away from him, usually at work, I start analyzing and thinking and questioning and getting really upset- like “FI doesn’t want to save the world like I do” or “FI doesn’t like tradition as much as I do” or “FI is a meat-eater and I’m a vegetarian,” and concluding maybe I chose wrong. My “gut feeling” changes depending on what I’m thinking and depending on if I’m with him or not.
Post # 16
@Sunfire: Honestly, I feel safe and very loved, but unable to communicate. For example, I don’t feel comfortable communicating the doubts I have. Something that’s extremely important. We enjoy being with one another, but lately I just don’t want to hang out. I think I’ve tied all the anxiety from getting married to my fi, so I’ve been very distant. I like myself, but I don’t feel like the person I want to be. I feel a little isolated. I don’t see my friends anymore. And even when I do, I kind of wish I was by myself with them, instead of together. It’s a sort of social anxiety I think. Does that make sense? I’m also afraid I won’t get to see my family as often. These are all peripheral concerns, but they add up, and they’re present almost daily.
I have an emotional headache. I keep reading through other cold feet posts, and I’m super confused. I’m not a good judge of my emotions. Usually over-analytical I guess. It’s comforting to know others have felt this way, but ultimately I have to decide, and I’m absolutely flipping out. I’ve got these “grass is greener” thoughts creeping in, which I didn’t expect.
I can’t help but think about calling it off. Something sounds really right about it, but I can’t imagine how much hurt that would cause. It’s hard not to let that sway me.
Thanks for the hugs