- 4 years ago
Sorry for going anon. I don’t think DH is aware of my original account, but needed a safe place to process, without fear of being discovered.
Here’s some background – been married for over 3 years, together for 7, both in our late 30’s, no kids, other than a fur baby.
The title of this post says it all. I never thought I’d fall into the divorce statistics. NEVER. But, I’m finding myself contemplating divorce A LOT. I felt this way about a year into our marriage, but, things took a turn, things got better, and I think I convinced myself to make the most of it.
So, what changed? Three things recently triggered that “crap, did I make a mistake” and “if I made a mistake, then I need to move on”… feelings.
1) Ran into a trusted aquaintance who said DH was difficult to get to know
(social stuff with DH has been a concern of mine since the beginning of our relationship. I always dealt with it, brushed it off, etc – but now I see the way it affects our social life as a married couple (negatively) and it’s frustrating. Again, it’s not a complete deal breaker, but it certainly doesn’t help things.
2) Had a conversation with a friend who said divorce is not the ‘unforgivable sin”
(full disclaimer – when I was dating DH, I wanted to break up with him to see if this friend had any interest in pursuing a romantic relationship. But, I ultimately decided to commit to DH and this friend and I have always had a platonic relationship with no interested mentioned on either end. I will also say that the social stuff DH lacks, this guy has in full. However, if DH and I were to divorce, I would NOT pursue a relationship with this guy.)
3) DH failed to wish me Happy New Year
(this may seem completely trivial, but it sent a dagger through my heart. DH isn’t the type of person to celebrate events. I know this, and I’ve told him in the past that it’s meaningful to me, and it just STUNG on New Years morning. Growing up, on holidays “MERRY CHRISTMAS, or HAPPY THANKSGIVING, or ‘x’ was always exclaimed the very first thing in the morning. I finally threw my arms around him, as we were making b’fast, and wished him Happy New Year…. but, it felt like the moment I knew our relationship was in a downward spiral.
The other stuff going on in our relationship:
A) DH and I are working opposite hours and rarely see each other (talk about nail in the coffin!) – So, there’s little emotional support
B) Our sex life sucks – add to the fact we’ve both been sick over the past several weeks, so kisses are pecks on the forehead… Little physical connection
Ugh – this post is depressing. Perhaps the worst of it is – DH wouldn’t see this coming at all. I’ve shared my concerns with DH but I honestly feel like it doesn’t sink in. I’m sure he hears me, but nothing is done about it – and, quite frankly, I’m tired.
Going into the marriage, I never thought our sex life would falter like this… but I did know about the social stuff. Together, those are like a 1-2 punch in the gut.
And I find myself saying: are these things enough to call it quits?
I come from a religiously conservative background (Christian), and divorce would be the scarlet letter for me. I’d be the divorced girl and it would bring shame to me and my family. But, all that aside, it’s not enough to stop me.
DH really is a kind, sweet, simple guy. He works hard. When he tries, he does it with his everything. We used to connect making dinner together, hanging out at night (those are gone 5/7 days of the week with his new schedule). Our sex life started to falter shortly after getting married. We’ve talked about how to rekindle for ages, and it’s usually lots of excuses and nothing done about it. I’ve always wanted more sex than he does – we definitely have different drives. Now, it’s not so much the frequency as the desire to connect itimately (it’s gotten so bad in the last few months, even holding his hand or cudling in bed feels foreign).
I’m not against counseling, but I don’t even know how to approach it.
I feel like I’ve done all the things I’ve supposed to do – find and focus on the positive, find ways to build him up, talk about needs/wants/expectations, etc etc. I could do all that again – and function just fine… yet I feel like the spark of my life is being drained…. and that doesn’t feel right.
Truth is, even with all that, I’m scared of divorce. While I can be alone, I don’t prefer to be alone.
I guess I just feel lost. I don’t know if my feelings and contemplation of divorce are ‘normal’ or if I should pay attention to these things now…. vs. feeling this way in 20 years, wondering what I did with my life.
Thanks in advance for any and all advice you can offer.