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Family business can get messy. I think you are right that in hindsight, it would have been better to have recommended she select a different flower girl. If your sister has not changed, and your want to limit interation (and protect your children), this may be a good opportunity to fill your daughter in on family dynamics. Without going into detail, your daughter needs to know some of the history and the reasons your sister hasn't been included in past family gatherings. I wish you all the best.
Doesn't matter. This isn't your wedding, this is your daughter's. I don't care if your sister was evil or whatever. It's perfectly fine to tell your daughter what happened, but acting "angry/stressed" on the most important day of your daughter's life will hurt everyone, especially your daughter.
Unless you are worried about her murdering someone or there are restraining orders- suck it up. It's her wedding. You can ignore your sister. If she does something in poor taste it will reflect poorly on her, not you, not your daughter.
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Continuing saga . . . family drama. I have a biological sister (Jane Doe) who has been persona-non-grata in our family for nearly 20 years (BTW - our parents are deceased). She has done too many evil and even illegal things to list. We have never shared this with our children, but it has made family gatherings awkward because the cousins (our children, nieces and nephews) don't know the details and we think it serves no purpose to air out all of the dirty laundry. Jane's kids have been invited to family gatherings, but they get miffed because we don't invite their mother.
Life has been pretty good, although ocassionally stressed, up until now. Now my daughter is getting married and has asked Jane's granddaughter to be her flower girl. Worse yet, my daughter invited Jane to her bridal shower - and she came! What my daughter didn't notice is that there was little to no interaction between Jane and her siblings - it was very stressful. Now, Jane thinks that she is welcomed back into the family . . . . . NOT!
My daughter decided to disclose to her cousin that I did not want Jane at the wedding/at my home. The child's mother (my niece/evil one's daughter) is now up in arms because we're not inviting her mother.
At Christmas (prior to the disclosure), I spoke to my Aunt (the family sage at age 88) who has a similar relationship with her sister. They have not had a relationship for nearly 40 years over evil and illegal activities (a coincidence?). Her advice was that her life is much healthier without the drama, and that if this woman wasn't related, she would not choose to associate with her - so she has chosen to lead a healthier, stress-free life without her.
My siblings and I are of the same notion. We do not need the stress, nor do we want to be associated with Jane in any way.
How do I get this across to my daughter that her wedding is NOT the time/place to try and fix the dysfunctional part of our family? Further, how do I get my daughter to understand that this may be HER wedding, and she has the right to invite who she wants, but that there are consequences to that decision, non-the-least a very angry/stressed mother.
In hindsight, it would have been better to have recommended she select a different flower girl.