Weddingbee Boards

Hi Bees, it's been a long time since I was around so I'll have to provide some background:

My husband and I got married this summer after one year of long-distance dating. We wanted to get married a year later (in 2010), but we couldn't bear to be apart any longer so we rushed into getting married so I could immigrate to the UK. We had discussed finances before, but now it's turning into a really big deal.

Ok. I always said that I didn't want only joint accounts. It's important to me to have my own account, full stop. However, I also have about two grand in debt that I was hoping to have paid off before we got married next year, but wasn't able to take care of before we married due to us pushing up the date.

The problem: I've told my husband about the debt, and said that I wanted to give him a percentage of my income for the household bills, and then use the rest of the money to pay off my debt. I'm on a very meager income at the moment, about $700 a month. He said he was happy to support me while I look for a job over here, and he makes much more than I'll ever hope to make in the next couple of years. In general, we're more than fine financially, but me, specifically - not so much.

He says that now that we're married, my debts are his debts. He wants me to give him a spreadsheet of how much I owe and to whom, as well as how much I've paid on each per month. Ideally, he also wants me to connect my bank account to his budgeting program, so he can see where the money is going every month.

I have a big problem with this. I am more than happy to give him a percentage of my income every month, but want the rest of it to remain private. I don't want him to be able to see how I'm spending my money (and no, I don't have a gambling addiction or any other spending problems - I can count on one hand the number of items I've bought for just myself since I moved here three months ago). He thinks this is wrong, so much so that he started yelling at me that I don't trust him with my financial information. To me, he's the one who isn't trusting me to pay off my debts. Furthermore, I think this is simply a personal preference: I don't want joint accounts, which is what is basically would be.

What's worse, this seems really controlling. He said that if I wasn't willing to share my financial information with him, then I shouldn't expect him to help me out financially.

Please, please tell me: am I in the wrong? Is he? I just don't have the perspective to tell anymore.

My honest opinion is that if you are asking for financial help (as opposed to keeping everything seperate) , then it is reasonable for him to be curious the extent of help you need.  As for a spreadsheet type deal... I don't know...

If I were you, and felt so uncomfortable sharing that information, I would want to shoulder the debt myself, and continue with contributing what you can until you finish up.  I don't see why you don't want to share this with him, but, that's your own personal thing.  Try talking it out with him when you're both calm... sometimes if the FI and I have to talk about a hard topic I will write down my points ahead of time so I don't get flustered in the argument.  Good luck!

Sorry, I thought I was clear in the original post that I want to pay this off myself. I've never asked him to shoulder any of my debt.

And no, there's no embarrassment over the debt. He knows how much it is and what it's from, though he hasn't seen it on paper. It's just that I thought I was clear on how I felt about joint management of finances before we were married, and worse, that I can't just say no. It's basically his way or the highway at this point.

I'm upset that I've put myself in this position, frankly. We talked extensively about why I couldn't move to England until I was done with school and had a job, because I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of being taken care of. But he spent months convincing me that he would love to help support me while I'm in school, and now I'm just as uncomfortable as I thought I would be. I'm not allowed to have anything financially that's just "mine" because he's helping me out.

And yes, we could join these accounts, and later separate them, but I don't want to. This just... isn't negotiable for me. It's the last thing I have any control over, and I don't want to give it up. As far as utilities and our current monthly expenses go, he knows everything. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to know the intricate workings of my student loans or how much my phone bill is per month. He's never seen me do anything other than pay my bills on time (but all that means is that I give my money to him... sigh).

But mostly, it's just how he raged when I said no, that I didn't think I should have to make a spreadsheet. He told me if I couldn't "trust" him with my bills by proving that I'm paying off every penny each month via spreadsheet, then he didn't have to help support me. Which may be fair, I don't know. All I know is that I wish I hadn't moved here. I really think our marriage is over.

Cheerful, I would agree with you except that his demand involves no trust on his end (he needs me to prove that I'm paying everything off), only on my end. And there's nothing left for me to trust him with! He knows the amounts of the bills and what they're for. But my personal boundaries are slowly being squidged back, inch by inch. For me, it is a control thing.

I definitely think that finances are a HUGE part of the difference between dating and marriage. However, just because you two are having a rough transition into that doesn't mean you should throw in the towel. I agree with others' sentiments that going to couples counseling would be a good thing. 

Here's my take on the finances: I think it's VERY healthy to have your own account that only you have access to; however, I think it's reasonable to be honest and open with your husband about how much is in the account. I think when you marry, you do take on each other's debts and although it's kind of a scary thing for him to take on your debt, once it's gone, it doesn't matter whose debt it was. However, in order to pay it off, you have to lay it all out on the table. I think rather than this being a devisive issue, this financial struggle could bring you two together. (: Just be patient and forgiving as you BOTH try to work it out.

Well, it seems that there's nothing like a major fight to work out old problems and clear the air. I probably sounded pretty desperate in my last post, and I was. We've never fought like that before.

But. We didn't see each other all day Sunday, and we had a gig we were going to see that night. I was worried it was going to be awkward, or that one of us would want to skip it. We both got ready for it without saying a word to the other person - but as soon as we walked out the front door we both broke down and told the other person we could do things their way. The fight had gotten so out of control that it wasn't even about money anymore, and now the topic isn't emotionally charged anymore, meaning that we can discuss it calmly. I don't think either of us cares that much what agreement we come to at this point.

I have to say, though: this has been so, so stressful. While I've been lucky to make friends pretty quickly here, I still feel uprooted from my old community in Portland. It's hard living in a new country with no family or support system other than my husband, compounded by the fact that I don't yet have a good job and depend on him for almost everything! It's really tough. The bank account was my only "me" thing (if that makes sense), but I'm just going to let it go - it was just a symbol of something I needed. Ideally, I can find better ways to satisfy that need for independence.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their help and concern! We've both suggested going to counseling, especially now that it's obvious we had firm ideas about how marriage would operate (and those ideas are apparently not all in harmony with each other!). And to be honest, I'm a bit glad we had the fight. While it was messy, it opened doors for communicating about much more than finances, and I think we've come out of it with a clearer picture of who the other person is, what they need, and how to work with that.

Thanks again.

That's wonderful. I am so happy for you! I feel a lot of hope just entered the picture. (: