Post # 1
I am the first to get married out of my friends, siblings and close cousins. Everyone in my family is excited and cant wait to celebrate.
The wedding is this winter and the budget is tight. Ive created a list with items and costs.
From the start, my FMIL is against the engagement party date, the wedding date, the church choice, the venue choice, the flower choice, invitees to the wedding and rehearsal dinner to name a few. She also wanted to have seperate family brunches the day after the wedding and not invite my family (so they can celebrate a birthday).
We met with the future inlaws to discuss what we want and the draft budget. Well the FMIL tore it apart. She “hates” the venue I chose, is opposed to having homemade inviations or flowers and will contribute more money if she gets to pick the venue.
We do need a bit of help from my parents and the grooms parents in order to make this work. But I do not want to spend more money on certain items than I’ve budgetd for. This is because I want to save for a home and start a family etc.
FMIL literally asked me if I wanted people to go “wow” when they walk in or just “eh”- so rude.
Now, Im extremely stressed out, having stomach issues and am not sleeping well. I just want us to all get along.
Any suggestions dealing with a controlling, difficult, rude FMIL? Im contemplating eloping…
Post # 3
Tell her it’s not her wedding…it’s yours. You’ve been planning your special day and planning the day YOU’VE always dreamed of for yourself, not her. Put your foot down now with her, or it will never end. (15+ years experience with an xMIL)
Post # 4
@jmaze: I agree
All you can do is accept everything she’s telling you and let her control your wedding or stand up for yourself and take control. Nothing more to do other than elope and maybe hurt or piss of some people. I wanted to elope for family drama reasons, but I know it would hurt my dad if I didn’t have a wedding. You can try to talk to her and explain you want her to be s part of your planning, (if you want her to) but under your conditions. Good luck hun!
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Canib: Wow, sounds like she’s going to be a problem! I would suggest planning the wedding you and FI can afford and stop telling them all the details that you can get away with not telling them. Like you said, you have different priorities (saving money for home and family) and it sounds like they just want a big party!
Post # 6
you and your FI should plan the wedding you can afford. if the parents want to help, great. if not, the wedding is still a go. already your FMIL’s offer has strings attached. if you give her an inch, she’ll start bossing around the whole wedding. this is your wedding, she had hers. there’s no need for her to be so rude. make the decisions that work for you and your FI and everyone else will just have to deal with it.
Post # 7
What does your FI have to say since this is his mother? I think he should be handling this situation or at least handling it WITH you. If he isn’t, that would be a HUGE problem for me.
I’ll tell you the same thing I tell other brides in this situation. Stand up to your mother, father, in-laws – whoever happens to be causing problems. If you don’t do it now, you’re setting the tone for your marriage. If you cannot stand up to them about wedding plans, then you’re going to run into issues in the future. You & your future husband will be encountering FAR bigger situations in your years of marriage that you will have to combat as a unit. This is only the beginning so please stand up to them.
Plan the wedding YOU want and YOU can afford. Stop telling her details. If that means you have to pay for more on your own, make it work.
Post # 8
@IUrebekah3RT: Thank you so much for the advice, You are right, I need to stand up, but first I need my fiance to stand up to her.
What are other big life decisions that I need her opinoin? Just trying to prepare myself…
Post # 9
@Canib: “What are other big life decisions that I need her opinoin? Just trying to prepare myself…”
Where to live. How to furnish your home. Where to vacation, and whether or not they should be included. Whether to have children. When to have children. What to name the children. How to raise the children. How to educate the children. How much time you should spend with your ILs. Where to spend holidays. Whether it’s appropriate to stay at a hotel versus with family during overnight visits. Etc. etc. etc.
Post # 10
@Canib: Everything. Controlling “know-it-alls” will try to give you advice on everything.
Learn how to handle her. Use lines like “mm hmm” “we will keep that idea in mind, thank you”. Learn how to not answer her phones.
For real, if you can, keep her out of planning. She will bring stress to you.
Post # 11
raising your kids….lol. My xMIL always tried to tell me how to raise my kids, how to discapline them, what i should/shouldn’t feed them…etc….drove me insane. I just ignored her and did my own thing, in front of her. I didn’t care if it pissed her off or not
Post # 12
@ElbieKay: SO true!!!! Controlling in-laws (or parents for that matter) will ALWAYS have an opinion on how you should lead EVERY aspect of your life – especially parenting!!!
Post # 13
@Canib: Its gotten worse- she now says if we dont have the reception at the place she prefers, she will only invite 20 people, not the 130 she planned. This is because she demands it be at a hotel and a hotel is just not in my families budget.
His parents are willing to pay if they have it their way. My parents would be so happy and proud to host the wedding for me, but with a requirement of having the wedding at a big hotel, its just not feasible.
My fiance is so upset because he wants his whole family invited. Im so upset, any suggestions? Should I just give in and let her plan the whole thing?!?!?
Post # 14
Um..what?! You and your FI do the inviting, not her. What is stopping you from inviting them? I would absolutely not cave in to her, because once she’s given you money for something, she’s going to hold that over your head until the end of time…
Post # 15
I’m sure if you post your ideas and budget on here, many of the bees will be able to help you find ways to make your wedding happen beautifully with everyone you want in attendance.
Post # 16
Do not let her pick the venue, its like giving her a free pass to control your wedding