- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
This is my first post, but I really feel like I need an objective opinion. I have been engaged for almost 2 months now and everything between my mother and my Fiance is a total mess. As a little background, I grew up in a large, wealthy, Catholic family and my mother has always been very critical and very controlling. Determining who we could be friends with, what activities we could be involved in, what time we went to bed (all the way through high school) etc. She is also an extremely judgmental woman. She cannot walk down the street with out making comments on overweight people, poorly dressed people anything you can think of. So none of the story should come as a surprise to me, I just don’t know what to do. So here it is.
I know that my Fiance is the right person for me. He would give me the world and in many ways he already has. He is converting to Catholicism because it is important to me, he has been extremely respectful of my beliefs and my wishes. He goes out of his way to do small things to make my life more pleasant. He motivates me to be a better person and encourages me when I things are really busy and I am stressed and get a little crazy. (daughters can be like their moms!) There is not a doubt in my mind that this is the man for me.
About him: He comes from a relatively blue collar family but has gone to college and is now a reputable CPA as PwC. He is successful and has earned every penny of it. Both of my parents however, think that I can do better. They see price tags, and history. He can be a little rough around the edges according to their country club standards. He speaks his mind, he doesn’t let people tell him what to do with his personal life, he is open and honest to the point of bluntness which they take to be rudeness and inconsiderateness etc.
He went to me dad to ask for permission to marry me and my dad said no. We had discussed it and knew it was the right decision for us and he was so crestfalled he didn’t know what to do. I told him that this was our decision and sat down with my parents for over 2 hours at dinner explaining why this was right for me, and what qualities I loved but still they cannot see beyond the superficial and are openly rude to him; intentionally exclude him from things and make him uncomfortable when he is around them.
So what to do. My parents have agreed to pay for the full wedding. So of course I understand that they have quite a bit of say in how things will be. But there are some things that are very important to my Fiance and I. I don’t mean location or venue. But we have a general time frame in mind and my mom keeps talking to wedding venues looking to extend the date another 4 months for an almost 2 year engagement. Anytime my Fiance offers an opinion, she glares at him and doesn’t listen. But then she called me the day after our last wedding planning excursion and complained that he seemed disengaged and was not pleasant enough.
Sorry to have such a long winded explanation. I just don’t know what to do. They do not get along and we both know that it would make my mom’s day if she succeeded in driving him away. She has already said that she will plan a wedding but it will not be a “joyous occasion.” How can I contend with that attitude? Do I call off her big wedding with my large extended family and pay for a smaller wedding myself, or do I not involve my Fiance so he doesn’t have to deal with my mother’s obvious distaste? Do I say ok mom you plan it entirely on your own, I will show up on the day? She cannot be reasoned with and to argue with her will just cause more stress….
Any advice would be most welcome because I cannot talk to my Fiance anymore about it because I know it hurts him and I know he is stressed and he says he worries about me because of how upset it makes me. So objective opinions? am i missing a solution?