Post # 1
My SO recently mentioned in passing that the planning has been centered around my desires with little thought to what he may like. At first my feelings were hurt by this, but after thinking about it… I may be the bossy gal that i hoped not to be. The main things are the Suits. Going the non-traditional route, I have two men on my side and no women. He has one man and his 15 year old sister. So that everyone "matched" i thought of having all wear the same style of suit with details to point out his side. This irked him because its HIS side….
Has anyone else had a similiar situation? I don’t know how to back off the details and let it flow naturally. I want his details input as well and for the TWO of us to plan.
I’m very lucky that I even have a guy so willing to take on most of the planning and leave the girly details to me.
Post # 3
My FH isn’t really into planning, and I’ll admit to being somewhat controlling by nature, so I’ve been pretty much taking the lead on most everything. But he had a total freak out a few days ago. We’re having an Indian event the night before the wedding, and I was calling him from India where I was looking for some clothes for him. He was very upset b/c he felt that he didn’t want someone picking out clothese for him. But I honestly didn’t think he’d care. Anyway, we were able to look at some websites together and chat via IM which really made him happy.
I think it’s hard to have a very lopsided interest in details b/c you can get taken by surprise when all of a sudden something’s important. I think the best you can do is what you did…recognize when somehting is important even if you didn’t expect it to be and then listen to his needs. It’s not a big deal if this groomsman wears a different suit from your attendants, so just let him pick. My FH realized that I wasn’t trying to be bossy or controlling, and he really appreciated how attentively I listened to what he wanted and tried to execute it.
Post # 4
I think the best thing to do would be to find out WHAT he is interested in… does he want a say in the wedding day attire, or the flowers, or the invitations? Once you know WHAT he wants to contribute to, ask his opinion. Show him pictures, tell him your ideas, and see what he is thinking. Just remember that his opinions won’t always be identical to yours… so if you ask his opinion, be sure to accept some of his ideas and compromise, or give in, even, to some of the things that matter more to him.
I think its good that your FI is interested. This is a great way for you to learn to communicate better and to learn how to work together better for a common goal– things that will come up again and again throughout the years in your marriage! Good luck!
Post # 5
In order for you to let be involved you really have to let go of a few things that are important to your fiance and let him pick. I struggled with this and had a similar discussion with my fiance just a month or so ago. I was calling him and asking for his opinions when i already had it all worked out in my mind…he felt like his role was just to give a stamp of approval on everything I had already picked.
Basically he wanted me to call it what it is…so now I do. The things I just can’t budge on, I ask for his approval and for a bunch of things, I allow him to either make the decision or to contribute heavily. It’s been working out ok so far, but it involves a LOT of flexibility and communication. It’s his wedding too, and even though you may be spending the majority of the time doing research and planning, he still has an opinion!
Is it going to be the end of the world if his side get’s the suits they want? Let him contribute and only step in if it’s going to be a disaster. Stay communicating and don’t get upset over the little details that he may choose…it’ll help him feel like he can contribute without being shot-down or criticized. Even when one of his ideas is a complete disaster make sure you dicuss it calmly and explain to him why you think it’s a bad idea, vs. a "that’s dumb" or "I don’t like it" response. I’m not saying you’re acting like that, but a little flexibilty and kindness goes a long way!
I’m just speaking from my experience, but I hope that helps! It is great that you have an involved fiance!
Post # 6
I’m just speculating, but by him saying that "you have planned the wedding entirelly to your liking" he may just be trying to prove a point, he may or may not really care about the flowers you chose or the style of the font on the invitation; he may just want to have one thing about the wedding to be "his decision" and what clothes his family will wear is just that. All in all, the fact that its been your decision doesn’t make you controlling; unless he has mentioned this before and you two have in fact argued about it then maybe he is feeling left out. But, if this is the first time he mentioned it, then hes just trying to prove a point.
Post # 7
This is great advice!! thank you to all, each point of view really helped start a conversation with us! I love the bee’s!
Post # 8
I think AnnieAAA has really hit the nail on the head, here. My fiancee couldn’t care less about flowers, dresses, suits or tuxes, favors or favor boxes, or any of the minute details I spend most of my waking hours thinking about. BUT, he likes to give his input. For example, at the beginning of planning we couldn’t decide between navy and lemon as colors or navy and sage. I asked him, and said he hated navy and yellow, we should clearly do navy and sage. Now, if I had just gone navy and yellow, I don’t think he would have said a thing or even noticed. But it’s just an example that they like to give their input and feel like they are helping you. (this can sometimes backfire when in your more stressed moments you complain that they haven’t helped and they say things like "yes I did! I picked the colors!")
Post # 9
This is super hard for me too. FI has really been into helping me plan. Not really pouring over the websites and such like I do but anything I show him he puts his 2cents in on. I showed him some dresses today while I was looking at Maggie Sottero’s site and he was playing Zelda. He actually stopped playing to look and then told me that we needed to go try on dresses one weekend so I could figure out what I like on my body. Crazy! I’m sure this will taper off eventually but.. wow.
Mostly, I asked him from the begining what’s important to him and told him that was his job. He is a music freak so he’s in charge of all things music. He’s Catholic and I’m not so he’s in charge of the ceremony. And for the reception I told him that he could have a poker table and a desert bar (he doesn’t like cake). His stepmom is doing the catering too so I told him that he and she could be in charge of picking the meal.. so if he complains about much I think I’ll tell him to jump off of a bridge.. haha.