Post # 1
I found an old thread on how marriage discussions evolved over time, and was interested in finding out more from current WBs.
I’ll start: SO brought it up within the first few months of dating. Everything was “when we get married” etc. About 7 or so months ago (after we had been dating for almost two years) I brought it up seriously, so that it wasn’t just some hypothetical scenario in the distant future. We have talked about it plenty, but not really in a very productive way I think since he hasn’t taken the next step yet. He doesn’t seem to be ready even though he brought it up way early on in the relationship, and I’m not sure he ever will be. He is in his early 40s and I am in my early 30s and almost our entire relationship has been long-distance (intercontinental, and we are both from different countries), except for summers and holidays when I stay with him. He is the slowest man ever to decide on anything and so here I sit, waiting and hoping.
I’d like to find out more about what other bees experienced: Did you bring things up, did he bring things up, was one of you not ready, what was your dating situation, how old are both of you, etc. How long did things take, and what were your feelings during that time? What did you do to prevent yourself from going crazy, and what sources did you turn to for support? Also, for those who weren’t ready for more obvious reasons (financial, waiting for a divorce, etc.) what happened to make you ready? There was a similar post on APW and I’m more familiar with the crowd here so I thought I’d ask around. Looking forward to reading your stories!
Post # 3
Well, we started dating at the beginning of March, and it was mentioned that he had never brought a girl home to meet his parents. At the time, I didn’t think about it because I was just looking for something casual. But we hit it off like WHOA.
Beginning of April, he asked me if I would be interested in going to his homestate to meet his family. I couldn’t make it. End of April, we were sitting in one of our local restaurants…and I told him that I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was/is my “One.” He sighed in relief and told me he was so glad I told him because he had felt the same way just 2 weeks into our relationship, but he didn’t want to scare me! It was then he told me he saw us getting married, and that he would like me to come home with him in July to meet the family, and that he would like to be engaged by the end of the year, if that was alright with me. Well…hello…it totally was. *flips hair like a Valley Girl*
So…I guess you could say he began the committment talk. We started setting aside a lot of time to talk about big issues regarding finances, religion, trust, communication, education, etc. and ones that we hadn’t discussed prior to our “revelation of Oneness”, and everything has been so smooth. I’ve never been afraid to talk about weddings, our future, children, anything. I knew we were right for each other very early on, but sometimes it seems crazy that you can know so soon when you feel you’ve gone your whole life with the wrong people.
But I think after spending so much time with the wrong people, you know when the right one comes along. I love that he lead the discussion, and then we progressed together. It took a lot of weight off me as a ‘waiting’ lady with the whole ‘Well, does he want to marry or what?”
I’ve never been happier in my whole life.
Post # 4
Within the first week of knowing each other and before either of had even said “I love you”, he told me he intended to make me his wife and a few days later, got down on one knee and proposed. Obviously, I scoffed at him like any sensible woman would do.
But we married two weeks ago, exactly a year after that day, so he got the last laugh. And he can’t stop gloating about how he was “right”.
Post # 5
My SO and I started dating when we were 16/17 so marriage was not even on the table then. We had this unreal “the notebook” type love and just had this feeling that we were the one for each other. Niether of us ever actually said that to each other but we both knew. We both went to different Universities and after about 4/5 years into the relationship we started talking more ‘hypothetical” if we get married talk. However, we are both extremely career driven and never wanted to be held back from our dreams.
We moved into together after I graduated college and he had already been in the workforce for a year. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that not only did I want to marry him, I didn’t want to wait anymore. In May we had a “serious” conversation–I told him that I wanted to stop talking about “when” we get married and actually do it. He was shocked at first because I had talked SO much about not wanting to get married until I was 30 when I was younger. I was just completely honest, I just said I can’t imagine my life without you, and that I wanted to take on the world with him.
I talked to my Dad about how I was feeling and he told me that I am totally valid for feeling the way I did. This made me feel a lot less crazy. He suggested that I give my SO a “rough” timeline–so I gave him a year from May. Initally I thought there’s NO way he would propose before May. But now he is kicking himself for not proposing sooner. He is buying the ring this week–and i’m pretty sure it will happen in the next few weeks.
As far as not going crazy–that’s hard. I read a lot of books, paint my nails, and hang out more with my friends.
Post # 6
Our very first serious conversation about our future was in a bubble bath, with candles and Billie Holiday playing in the background. I don’t remember what the occasion was, or if there even was one, but we were just relaxing, chatting about nothing, enjoying our time together.
At the time, he lived about 3 hours away from me. We always tried hard to make the best of our weekends together since we didn’t see each other during the week. As far as I can remember, this was just any other weekend.
Anyway, he started talking about his lease being up the coming summer, and he was thinking about moving in with a buddy of his. Then he hesitated, as if waiting for me to respond, but I just let him finish. He asked what I thought about it, and I said well, we have a choice to make, and we can either have another year of a long distance relationship- which was working out just fine, or he can consider moving to my city and we can pursue our relationship more seriously. This wasn’t the first time we had casually mentioned a future together, but this was the first time that we had a serious conversation about it.
I lived alone in a 2 br apartment and have a really good job, plus his parents and grandparents live about 20-30 minutes from me, so it made more sense for him to relocate. He was working part time, looking for something more permanent, and since his lease was going to be up in a few months, we decided to keep moving in together as an option and discuss it in more detail later on.
And that’s how it started, in the bathtub listening to Billie Holiday. And I wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂
Post # 7
Haha we started dating when we were 15/16 so ours took a while. When we’d been dating 3.5 years, we had both just completed our freshman years of college at different schools. I remember our very first marriage-centric conversation. We were sitting outside at night on the beach in Hawaii and he asks me, “Why are we dating?” (Which scared me so badly-not a great wording of the question!) To which I replied- “Because we love each other.” And he smiled and said, “Do you see this going anywhere?” So I suddenly got really nervous and quiet, and he just flat out said “I want to marry you. I’m more than sure of it. Someday you will be my wife.” My heart just about stopped, it was so romantic given where we were haha.
And from then on when started talking about “when” we were going to get married. Once he got a high paying internship this past summer, things got a whole lot more “real” feeling and he gave me a timeline and started getting secretive about his plans. Based on his updated timeline, I’m thinking it will happen mid to late spring of next year- he says before my next birthday (April).
Post # 8
My SO brought it up after four months of dating. It was less an engagement/marriage talk and more a “the rest of our lives” talk. We were pretty smitten and serious right from the beginning.
I am older than he is (by 7 years) and the first thing we discussed is when we would both be comfortable having children. I know he doesn’t want to start right this second, and he knows I can’t wait 5 years or anything. Our ages made this something that had to be addressed early on.
So we talked about that – decided on a timeline for that which made us both comfortable – and then sort of worked backwards from there to establish a time when we would like to be married by. The timeline we established together has him proposing sometime next year. Actually as long as he does it by Dec 2013, we’ll be on track for what we both want, though I expect it will happen before then.
After we nailed that all out, we stopped talking proposal and wedding (he wants me to be surprised!), but talked a lot more about marriage and all the things we want to do in our lives – children, where we want to end up, goals we want to achieve, what happens if x happens, etc. We have also had very serious discussions about divorce and our feelings on it (we are both very religious and don’t believe it is an option for us) – so we have had lots of talks about how life might get in the way of romance, and that marriage is hard work and that we need to be a team working together always.
Even though we’ve curtailed actual wedding talk until after we are engaged, he still can’t help occasionally being like LETS HONEYMOON THERE! or whatever.
Also recently he was all casual asking about the 4 C’s of diamonds. You all can imagine the effort it took to not be giggling hysterically. I played it very cool.
I do my proposal and wedding talking on WB. BRING IT ON. I’m so excited!
Post # 9
Our conversation started very shortly into our romantic relationship (we were very good friends for about a year before we started dating), when he slipped something in about his future that involved me without noticing he was doing it. He was so embarassed, but it opened up the doors for conversation. From there, I admitted I had thought about it, too, and future discussions always came with the assumption that we pictured our future together. When we considered moving in together, I mentioned that I didn’t want to live with someone without a serious commitment, and asked if he was willing to give that to me. He told me he was already ring shopping and not to worry. We got engaged about a month after we moved in together, as soon as the custom ring he had been working on was completed! It was a very natural progression for us, though it may have seemed, to some, to have happened quickly.
Post # 10
Good thread…..We started dating in August 2010. Shortly thereafter he started talking about wanting kids relatively soon and I said not til I am married and he agreed to that. We got really comfy and to the point where we were practically married within a few months. We had moved into together, we shared fiances, we bought a car together. But marriage in all its seriousness was never really discussed.
Until about July 2011 when one early morning as I was getting ready to go to work at 3am and he was coming home from work, I bursted into tears and wanted to know if he was ever going to ask me. Not a moment I am proud of but it got the conversation going. A few days later he took me on a surprise ring shopping trip. Of course I thought it would happen soon.
But it didn’t. And man was it hard not to go crazy over the holidays with everyone and their mother asking when we were going to get married. I mean Fh and I must have had a fight after every holiday just because someone brought it up. But in all honesty, we needed that time to grow as a couple.
To occupy my time, I thought and did other things. I worked out, did sudoku, baked, and tried my hardest not to bug FH about it. And about march/april 2012, I gave into the fact that it may be a while before he ever asked me to marry him. We wanted to buy a house and do other things that cost money. Well to my surprise April of this year, that man of mine surprised me on a Monday of all days and asked me to marry him.
Waiting is torture but it happens to most of us…..
Post # 11
We met 9/2012 and started dating, but we didn’t make it “official” until November. He told me he loved me at the end of that month. He wanted to take me home for Christmas, and he told me he had only taken one other girl home. So I guess we both knew by then it was something special. He asked me to move in January 2, and I think later that week he told one of my good friends he thought I was the “one.” He told me he was wondering about my ring size in February, so I think after that we were pretty open and talked a lot about how we wanted to get married/spend our lives together.
So, that would be about 5 months after we met.
Post # 12
He brought up things first about 3 months into our relationship. It was when we first met in person (met online and was dating long distance at first) and were walking around his small hometown. He asked me if I’d be happy living there with him and the conversation segued into marriage, kids, the future, etc. I was 20 at the time and he was 18. I also wasn’t ready for marriage, so I shrugged it off then. Then he brought it up again 4 months later when we started talking seriously about me relocating to be with him. We aren’t engaged still, but he’s only 20 going on 21 soon. So I think he’s way ahead of the curve for most men at that age. That helps me when I sit there and wonder about how great it’d be if we were married already, so we could start planning seriously for when we build our dream home in a few years.
Post # 13
My SO and I met when I was 20, he was 21. Neither of us was even sure it was going to last for more than a few months, but we just became very attached, and then became best friends. We talked about marriage a while ago, and I think he was just generally unsure, but it wouldn’t have even been an option because he’s been out of work for a while. Not for lack of trying. He got laid off from the job he was in, and was looking ever since. But we talked about it periodically, but not anything serious. Last September (5.5 years after we started dating), he told me he was going to start saving for a ring, and I was ecstatic. In July he found a job and he started taking me ring shopping. I think things would have progressed more quickly had he been able to get more steady work sooner, but I am happy with where we are now. He’s still looking for better work, and we’re hopeful, but he makes enough now so we can afford to live together, and are planning to elope in December.
Post # 14
I love all these stories!
Post # 15
We met in December 2009 via the internet and started dating in May of 2010. I was 24, he was 27. Within two weeks, I absolutely knew I wanted to marry him. I’d never been with a more wonderful man. But since I’d always been vehemently against ever getting married, I had no idea how to handle the thought of it, so I kept my crazy to myself, haha 🙂 We said “I love you” sometime that summer and moved in together in August 2010. I was the one to bring up marriage first, I think sometime in early 2011. His grandmother had passed away and he inherited her house, which was built in the 1930’s and needed a TON of work. We were working on cleaning it out and getting some renovations done before we moved in. So we were knocking down drywall in order to put insulation up. We were both dusty, and dirty, and sweaty, and tired, and it was FREEZING in there (we were in the room that is now our bedroom!). The topic had come up somehow in relation to someone else’s marriage, and I asked him, “Do you see our relationship as potential marriage material?” And he said, “Yes, definitely!” So then I waited impatiently for another year before he finally proposed this past February. And now I get to marry my best friend! It’s super awesome 😀
Post # 16
My husband and I met on eharmony when we were 25. Because of the guided communication process on eharmony, we both knew from the beginning that we were looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, and we both wanted kids. On our third date, a month after our first in-person meeting, we both said “I think you could be the one” and we started talking about the future in a hypothetical way. A month later we both said “I love you”, and we decided that I would move to his city (we were 700 miles apart).
My husband was the one driving these conversations, and in the beginning he was going way too fast for me. (He had asked me to move to his city on our first date, and I ignored him.) I loved that he kept our relationship on a very serious track and kept pushing for progress, though in the beginning all the talk of committment and the future scared me a little.
There was one conversation we had at about 2 months of dating that stuck with me. Soon after we had both said “I love you” for the first time, he told me that even if I were paralyzed tomorrow, he would still stay with me forever. He asked if I felt the same and I said I didn’t know yet. It floored me that when he said “I love you” he meant forever. I had never thought about forever with anyone and it took me a few more months to get to that point with him.
Once we knew were forever, we met each other’s families, and he said that was the last milestone he needed before proposing, and that we should look at rings. We got a general idea of what I liked and both agreed that he should pick the ring completely on his own. It took him over half a year to pick a ring and propose. I was pretty anxious during that time, wondering why it was taking so long. But I’m glad that he didn’t propose much sooner because even though we knew from early on that we were going to get married, having those extra months of living together before getting engaged really helped prepare us for marriage and helped us know each other better. After we got engaged, we were too busy with wedding planning (we had a short engagement) and didn’t have as much time to just focus on us.