Post # 1
Lazy weekend with my SO, I was throwing some uncomfortable questions at him…
We don’t live together and I asked him if he was going to move closer to the city when the lease is up… He’s like “…..” Are you ever going to live with me…? “Well I guess we can do that… I think I’m getting better at handing stress at my job. We will need a big place and two computers.” haha… It was better response than before when he was just so afraid and saying “I don’t think I can handle it now… I need some time to figure things out at work… I don’t think I can handle both” Although I am against living together before marriage maybe it could help him not scared of things anymore…?
Later while watching our favorite show, I mumbled I feel that you might not think I am the one. “That’s not it…! I will be so lucky to have you as my wife. and i know it’s not fair to you that I make you wait…” Then what’s happening…? “It’s just that it will be hard to juggle work and have family now…” But a lot of people you work with are married… “Well, that’s true.” are you scared…? “Are you not scared..?” Hm… a lot of things in life is scary, isn’t it.
Unstoppable today. He didn’t get upset or anything like before. I think he understands that it’s about time… I’m getting old and impatient, but yes I know I should really stop bugging him…I think he believes that he needs to make tons or get real stable. Anybody been in 5+ dating and got married? I wonder if he would ever overcome his fear… Maybe I am not the person who can make him feel so comfortable…
Post # 3
Gosh I know how you feel… I did move with him, in his condo, and trust me, it is hard… I hate thinking that legally, I don’t even live here, so I don’t know what would happen if something happened to him or anything else. I understand completely why you would at least want to be engaged first… Me and SO just had another fight about it, and I’m thinking about moving out and living by myself again until he grows up and gets his sh.. together! Sorry I can’t help you. I mean, maybe you would move in with him and there would be no problems, or he would propose, son I don’t advise you not to do it.. just to know that it is not an easy road…
Post # 4
It sounds like he wants to be able to give you the best version of himself in order to take the next steps. Moving in together, while awesome and exciting, can be quite stressful (especially when it comes to finances) so I see his perspective in wanting to wait. It’s okay to re-evaluate every few months, see how you are both feeling about making new commitments whether it be engagement or moving in together. You should feel free in your relationship to talk about your emotions. Help him talk about his fears about moving in together or getting engaged. It’s unlikely that it’s just about having space or computers!
We were together 6+ years before getting engaged, owned a home together too, and we felt it was really important to live together before marriage. We moved in together at just under a year of dating. The idea of getting married was on the table, but we didn’t see any reason to rush, since we weren’t interested in having kids yet and we truly didn’t have time to plan the wedding we or our families wanted. We do want to start a family in the next 2-3 years so the time just feels right now to get married at this point. I only share my story to show that all relationships are different. Just do what is best for the two of you!
Post # 5
@soupir: we if were to move in it will be us moving into a different apartment as both of us live in a very small studio box… I can imagine how you feel and that’s exactly what I fear the most, that I don’t think we are there yet to share financial responsibility together… it can be very complicated and without commitment I think people can easily just move apart. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to stand alone and make him realize that taking the next step is an absolute priority for you (although this should be treated very sensitively.)
Post # 6
@remijp: Thanks for sharing your experience! god… if it was ever possible for us to even start thinking about living together that soon…! we were together 5 years now and there was a time we semi lived together a few months (during vacation, between jobs etc), but not like owning a house!
I think it’s getting better and he says we are getting so much better now, but it’s mostly that he’s scare of getting into fight then having no where to be alone (because we fight with small things sometimes)… and he’s pretty private and enlusive from my point of a view… My thing is that, I wish that he knows it won’t be so stressful being with somebody all the time, and we can actually help each other and have fun times… He’s also still in search of his dream career (while having a pretty well paying job with high stress) well he really doesn’t bring this up and when I do, he goes into avoiding so I really shouldn’t be asking these things… my hope is that we can have some kind of time line and I don’t need to wonder whether I should be looking out there for some other options against my will…
Post # 7
I’ve been with SO for almost 6 years. We waited so long because we started dating at 20 (I don’t know how old you are). We didn’t want to get married too young and didn’t have money. Last year, he was talking about how he wanted x y and z before getting married. I told him he shouldn’t put too much pressure on himself and that if he expects life to be perfect before he proposes, we may be 40 by the time it happens. We already live together, so it’s not like it would be a big change. I think he understood where I was coming from.
Now he’s finally showing more interest in actually proposing, and I think it’s coming soonish
Post # 8
@rubird: How old are the both of you, if you don’t mind my asking? And, has he given you a timeline so far?
Post # 9
I don’t think anyone will want to hear what I have to say, but sometimes…. it really is true when you meet ‘the one.’ things just come together. my SO and I met in July 2011. In January 2012 he told me I was the one and he was going to propose. He saved up money and he didn’t actually propose until February 2013 – but it was always cleary he was going to as soon as possible.
My mom and dad dated for seven years. He didn’t really want to get married. He said he wasn’t ready. She wanted to get married. She cried and pleaded and demanded and threatened….so they got married.
They were miserable.
By the time I was 9 years old, it was incredibly clear that my mom lived her life in a solitary hell. My dad and she grew completely apart over time, and when they argued, he’d point out that he’d never wanted to get married and she’d ‘forced it’. I found out later that they didn’t have sex for 3 years. My father died of a heart attack when he was 47. My mother was crushed. She is remarried now to someone who loves her and talks with her about books and weird documentary movies and taught her to play guitar… while life is journey and her path brought her to husband #2, there’s no question in my mind that she shouldn’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have rushed a man who didn’t want to marry her. i lived with them both and saw every day that he wasn’t the right one for her.
(I might add that they met when my mom was 26 and he was 34 when they met.)
that is just my two cents.
Post # 10
SO is 29 and i’m 30.
We’ve talked about it and had gone to see rings like 2 years ago. I think he went just to see the price and etc., not so much with ‘reality’
He says when things are settle down at work(very sales driven stressful job).
He once said a couple of months but I can’t remember when it was 😉
We’ve been living in the same city about 2 years now, we studied and worked in different places and didn’t have much chance to meet regularly or build a relationship… I would say more normal way. Both of us feel our relationship gotten better a lot better (some stupid fights tho)
It wasn’t until recently both of us got better jobs and I started feeling that it is a time for me to think about starting a family.
So I completely understand how he feels and I am by no means want to rush, but I want more than 1 kid and don’t want to push it back or know so much later that he’s not going to marry me!
Post # 11
I think I and my SO know about the unhappy marriage. Unfortunately, that might be one of the reasons why he’s so hesitant. Have you heard about a guy who doesn’t like his mom and not attached? It’s my SO…
Anyway, from the example, I think my SO is closer to the your mother’s 2nd marriage. It’s probably the reason why we are still together while we fight lot. We have a lot to talk about.
It’s also clear that SO knows that he can leave anytime he wants and I will be fine. I made that clear long time ago.
Post # 12
As a cold reader, I don’t think he is anywhere near ready. He sounds very uncomfortable with the idea.
Post # 13
@Sunflower–girl: want to stay positive but maybe yeah… maybe just should give up… haha