Post # 1
Ok Bees, I am not quite sure what to make of this. FI and I had originally (late last year) planned to get married this October. Well, between us moving, him starting a new job, and me feeling not ready to get married again just yet, he and I talked, and I explained that I wanted the date pushed to 2014. We agreed to make it October of 2014. Since then, off and on, he’s been making comments, even to total strangers about how I’m ‘making him wait 2 years’ to get married.
He brought up the fact that he wanted to get married *this* year, and I asked him WHY. He tells me that he wanted to get married while he was still in his 20’s (he will be 29 this year). Apparently he has this idea in his head that he doesn’t want to marry at 30, but 28/29 instead.
What the hell? Does anyone else have this particular thing with being married at a certain age? And no, I’m not going to just dump him and run because of that statement. I’m just perplexed as to his reasoning.
Post # 3
I’m just curious as to why you don’t yet feel ready to get married?
I can understand why he’s upset. He wants to marry you, and you’re pushing it away saying you’re not ready.
Maybe him mentioning it to total strangers is really showing how much this is upsetting him.
Post # 4
@Sweet_Tea: Could you look at doing a scaled down wedding that wouldnt cost so much or make it early 2014?
Post # 5
I get it. Some people have a list of things they want to do before 30, because 30 is when you are supposed to be established as an adult. Look at Friends... the whole premise was that they started out in their 20s with adulthood not in sight.
As a PP says, I’m more interested in why you don’t want to get married again yet. If you don’t feel ready, then that’s something you need to explore first.
Post # 6
He knows why, it’s because of a few things, like the fact that my previous divorce was less than a year ago. Another factor is that sometimes it feels like we’re not always on the same page about things, and he’s agreed to couples counseling with me, but it hasn’t happened yet, with the recent move and new job.
We’ve got a tiny budget as it is, I’m not sure how much more scaling down I could do at this rate.
Post # 7
@Sweet_Tea: ahh I see, well I can understand why you dont want to rush into it, maybe he just feels like you made the descision without his input (I’m not saying you did) but maybe you need to talk again about the reasons as he maybe hurting if he keeps bringing it up. Maybe get married the month before his 30th birthday, hopefully its not in January 🙂
Post # 8
I’m willing to bet that he’s upset you pushed the date period. Probably not the best idea (or fair to him) to accept a proposal if you’re not ready to get married. He’s probably worried next October will come around and you still won’t be ready… And the will be 30 and we just start thinking all kind of irrational crap when that happens!
Post # 9
That was my thought too. Why accept a proposal or get engaged if you aren’t ready? That’s a cruel thing to do.
Post # 10
@deetroitwhat: I totally agree with this.
Post # 11
@Sweet_Tea: Some people get really fixated on dates and age but it seems to be more common with women. But part of being an adult is realizing that in the end, 29 is really not that much different from 30. You will wake up feeling and looking exactly the same.
Post # 12
I was more than a little miffed that my husband dicked around until I was 30 to propose so we married when I was 31 and he was 29. I know a guy who married a month before his 30th birthday, to be married before 30. It’s a milestone. I threw a huge pity party for myself and so very nearly left my then-boyfriend when I turned 30 because my life was not what I wanted it to be.
Guess I’m saying, I feel for your guy. Your reasons are all justified as well, but don’t invalidate his.
Post # 13
A friend of mine is rushing to plan her wedding so it can happen before that dreaded(?) date. It’s confusing because she is settling for sub-par elements in the wedding just to be 29 day-of. She cannot be dissuaded–many folks have tried to reason with her. I guess I just don’t understand how much of a difference a few months either way makes. Persumably I won’t turn into a scary, marriage-proof monster based solely on how many years I’ve been on this earth…
Also, seeing that you’re less than a year out of a divorce I think you’re smart to take your time. There’s a lot of things I’m sure you’re still working through. He needs to understand that and realize that it’s more important for you to be in the right place mentally than to be a specific age number. Best of luck!
Post # 14
I don’t understand why people get engaged when they aren’t ready for marriage? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Post # 15
@MissKit: I got engaged before I was ready for marriage. I wasn’t going to say no and FI said he would wait. To me the engagement meant committing to spend the rest of my life with one person which I was ready to do. Marriage took a bit longer.
Post # 16
I think getting engaged when you’re not quite ready to get married right away isn’t a bad thing. As long as you know when you will be ready, so you can start planning. FH and I won’t be ready until we’re graduated from college in the near future, but we can plan for the wedding.