Post # 1
Hi ladies, I need some advice! So my fiance’s sister is also getting married, four months before we are. My fiance wants his sister and I to have a good relationship, and I do too, certainly, but with both of us planning weddings at the same time it is really putting a strain on things. I have tried to be nice with her and share my wedding ideas, but every time I share she copies me!! For instance I showed her this flower arrangement with hydrangeas that I really liked and she said she had never thought of using hydrangeas and she might do that too now. And a similar thing has happened with invitations. It would be different if we just came up with the same ideas independently, but this is not the case.
Now I don’t want to share anything with her, but I feel weird keeping things a secret also. Also, I know that if I tell her mom anything about the wedding she might mention it to her. Basically I don’t want to be weird and secretive but I also don’t want this girl hijacking my entire wedding. I might feel different about this if I was getting married before her, but I am going after so it will look like I copied and half the guest list is the same. How should I handle this?
Oh, I should also mention that they have a bigger budget than we do, so not only is she stealing my ideas, they will also probably look better at her wedding 🙁
Post # 3
I completely understand. My crazy aunt took me out to lunch and asked me tons of questions about our wedding. I thought she was just excited for me. A month later I find out my cousin is engaged, was engaged when we went out to lunch, and my aunt has tried to book the same place we are having our wedding a week before me! this has taught me some valuable lessons.
Stop talking to the FSIL and the FMIL about anything that you would not want to see at your FSIL’s wedding. It is not that they are being mean, but if they hear a good idea and they like it, they are going to use it and use it before your wedding. I have put a ton of effort into picking things for our wedding and I am sure you have to, and I know for someone to try to take them is very hurtful. So if you feel like you must share things with them, make sure they are things you actually don’t care about. For instance, I could care less if we both have filet at the wedding. So I could discuss the menu. However, I would be really sad if we had similar centerpieces. So I am not discussing those with anyone in my family. I would just concentrate any discussion with the FSIL and the FMIL on the "generic" items of your wedding and leave out any of the details that make it special I’m sorry you have to deal with this- I know it sucks to have people copying you. Let them be suprised at your wedding!
Post # 4
I would feel the same way! We all want our wedding to be OURS and the idea of someone stealing ideas is so annoying!
Here’s my humble advice: if your FSIL or FMIL brings up wedding ideas from now until the wedding, I would just be vague with the details. Obviously she has either (a) not done much research about her wedding style (b) isn’t very creative or (c) loves your style! You should take that as a compliment 🙂 As far as giving away wedding details, you could always say that you were still choosing between two (or more) options (such as colors, dress styles, favor ideas, etc.). Also, you could also add some DIY details to your wedding which would obviously be unique and all your own! No matter what, I’m sure your day will be beautiful and unique.
Post # 5
I think that sayithot has some good ideas about why she’s probably copying your ideas (a, b and/or c). What I would do if I were you–in the interest of actually improving relationships with FSIL & FMIL–is make sure to share all of my thousands of other wedding ideas with them. You know, the alternate plans that are still good ideas, but maybe didn’t quite make the cut for one reason or another. Like talk about the cool candy buffet ideas you saw the other day, even though you’ve decided to go with retro cupcakes yourself (or whatever).
But I wouldn’t lie either–just share plenty of ideas, and if you end up talking about an idea you’re going to do then make sure to explain why it’s soo perfectly personalized for you & your FI (as opposed to anyone else). Hopefully she’ll want to have her own unique wedding as well and was just mooching your ideas because she was lacking a few of her own….
Post # 6
I agree with brendalynn and sayithot.
I would definitely try to keep the details of your wedding minimal. I mean, who wants to feel like someone else is mooching off of your research and hard work? I’m sure she does it without realizing it, having your weddings be so close together. She just probably wants a good run of ideas and needs some confirmation on it and she might not have anyone else to confide in? There are a lot of ideas out there so try throwing those out too.
Wish you well!
Post # 7
Thanks for all the great advice! From now on I will kind of share but not really 😉
Post # 8
How rude! Some people just don’t realize what they’re doing. I also have the same issue with a friend that got engaged AFTER us and are getting married BEFORE us. I learned right off the bat that the less info I give the better. I do give her suggestions on her own ideas but I don’t volunteer my plans. It’d be different if she planned her wedding a yr after ours. I seriously don’t think she’s writing out my ideas purposely to out do my wedding. It sounds like she genuinely love the ideas which I do take as a compliment.
Post # 9
Maybe she just has no ideas of her own. You could introduce her to the knot (or even weddingbee, if you want to share that much) and then she can steal ideas from people she doesn’t know instead of from you. And of course, you don’t really have to share your ideas. You can just tell her you don’t really know yet, or give her multiple ideas you have already discarded…
Post # 10
I think what I would do in your shoes is, if she asks you what you’re doing for some aspect of the wedding, just tell her either that you haven’t decided yet, or give her some ideas you liked but rejected for your own wedding. But don’t tell her what you’re doing. Since her wedding is 4 months before yours, she’ll have to make decisions before you do. Then once she’s made a final decision on something and ordered it, and it would be too late for her to change it (i.e. the invitations have been printed), THEN share with her what you decided to go with and it will seem like you’re still sharing with her but it will be too late for her to copy you.
Besides, there are some things you can still share with her without worrying that she’ll copy. Tell her about a vendor you found that you like, just don’t tell her exactly what you plan on ordering from them. And maybe you can help her with some DIY projects or she can help you with yours, without actually stealing the ideas. I don’t expect she really means to step on your toes, she probably just likes your ideas and doesn’t realise that it’s hurtful.
Post # 11
SMartl is right, give her the rejected ideas or tell her that you haven;t decided. It’s s tricky situation and I applaud you in caring enough about her not to just come out and say "Look here lady!"
You could always ask what she’s doing for something as well, and then pretend to copy her on it, maybe seeing how it feels might alert her to her copycat ways, maybe she’s not even aware she’s doing it.
Post # 12
Ooh, these are all good ideas 🙂 Yeah, I will be vague until her wedding is over or at least until she has made final decisions. You know what’s really funny about this? She worked in event planning a few years ago. I should be the one stealing ideas from her!!!
Hahaha, that’s a great idea about pretending to steal one of her ideas. Maybe I should act like I’m considering buying the same wedding dress as her 😉
Post # 13
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am recently recovering from a FSIL attack as well.
FSIL & FBIL and FI were all in the car going to visit his parents (I couldn’t make the trip). FI was saying how he had the ring and was going to propose soon. She starts asking him questions about where we would want to get married, etc. A week later, right before the proposal, she books the venue that FI and I had always talked about! She had already looked at 20 venues, none similar to this one (a barn at an inn). I was shocked. After the proposal, FI felt terrible telling me that he told her about it and then she turned around and booked it.
After crying and being angry for a while I’ve decided to make lemonade out of lemons. Found a new venue that I love and am just loving wedding planning regardless of the icky way that it started for me. My advice is to be as a vague as possible. I share nothing with FSIL anymore (sad, but true). I’m not rude about it, but when I tell her I bought my dress, I also say it’s Spring 2008 so there aren’t any pics of it online. Stuff like that. Good luck!!
Post # 14
I agree, she probably doesn’t realize she is copying/hurting your feelings. Can you talk to her about what she would like, instead of what you are doing?
And, worst case scenario – your wedding is first. So atleast it won’t look like you copied her!
Post # 15
I understand where you are coming from. You want your wedding to be unique and better than hers. Instead of telling what you are doing give her some wedding advice that isn’t going to apply to your wedding plans.
Play reverse psychology with her. I don’t mean to be mean but this is your wedding and you are in title to have your own wedding uniqness.
Hope this help and good luck.
Post # 16
I am currently going through a very similar situatioin so I totally know where your coming from. My cousin talked her boyfriend into buying her a ring and is even helping pay for it a week after I told her I was engaged. Its like a race to the alter with her and she has now set her wedding a few months before mine and has been drilling me constantly and stealing ideas. I just started being VERY vague. Like I threw out a few different ideas for flowers and colors that were not my ideas and said I just wasn’t sure yet. I live in Arkansas and have decided to have my wedding in Florida on the beach and a vacation for everyone for a week. she is copying this but she does not have my venue. DO NOT tell her any of your real ideas anymore. I dont know if she is like this but my cousin will try to take my ideas and do them before me and then when I do it she says "oh your doing the same thing I did" that just boils my blood. I sorry u have to go through this its crazy how things get turned into a competition. good luck!