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I don't think you shouldn't have it at the beach just because she wants to have hers there. You need to do what YOU want. You shouldn't change it just because it's apparently what she "wants" now, too. I would say, maybe change up your centerpieces a little bit and don't tell her. And then stop sharing your ideas with her. If you don't tell her what you are doing, she can't copy you.
As much as it sucks, I've always been of the mindset that copying is the highest form of flattery. Think of it this way, she must think you have really good taste! (Although it is unfortunate that her wedding will be before yours)
My best friend (MOH), her cousin did the same thing. She got married before her cousin did, but I reckon she had the same dress, colors, ring cut (except her ring "was bigger"; I'm mocking the cousin) Topper, everything! My MOH just shook her head and said "It's sad when someone can't be creative, and come up with their own thing."
If it were me, and my cousin wanted to copy me....I'd give her false & off the wall ideas that I was planning. But that's me. I'm sneaky like that. lol
I do have a cousing getting married this year too. I got engaged before her, but she has her own style, and I have mine. We're just worried that one of just will think of something, and the other will copy it, and not even realize it! lol
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Heh, I'd do the same as amanda V. Tell her I'm making my FI wear a cape, and that a trained eagle was going to fly the rings down the aisle to us during the ceremony.. and that I'm going to wear a replica of a dress worn by a queen of england 4 centuries ago.
(I'm NOT knocking anyone who's doing these things - it's just so far off from anything I personally would do.)
That sucks! I am sorry you are having to deal with the drama. Above all, I second mandalynn17-- you should absolutely have the wedding of your dreams, regardless of what your cousin does. When I stress about using an idea similar to someone else's wedding, it's mostly bc I don't want to offend the other bride. Since your cousin is the one being sneaky, who cares what she thinks.
Also, I probably already know the answer, but would anything good come from sitting down and having a talk with her? Maybe you could help her brainstorm ideas different from yours? If that doesn't work, I would definitely tell her about the trained eagle thing, lol.
How does your cousin feel about this? Is the copy-catting need coming from the aunt only, or from the cousin too? I just wonder why they think it's so great to do exactly the same things as you. It's really weird.
Regardless, you should have the wedding that you want. Keep your real details under wraps, and throw out decoy details when pressed. On the whole, avoid talk of wedding details. You can say, oh I'm considering "X" and let X be your second or third choice option---not something ridiculous, because she won't believe that and might get suspicious and catty as to why you're not sharing with her. Then when the day comes, you can actually go with your first choices and they'll be different than hers. Also, you have the leeway of going to her wedding first and then making any other changes you want before your day comes. In a way that ensures that you'll have a more personalized wedding---if yours was first there'd be no stopping her from copying every last detail.
But I wouldn't change your location just because of her. First, tons of people get married at the beach. Just because your cousin might also get married there does not mean that it is a bad idea all around or that people will think one or both of you is a copycat (and regardless, they probably already know about the forced competition between you two). Second, if you change to a different type of location, she'll probably change hers too and you'll be back where you started!
Good luck :)
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Wow. She's even trying to find the exact *house?* Wow.
I think you've gotten some good advice -- just wanted to offer some sympathy. Sheesh.
That is pretty crazy. I agree that you should give her some decoy details, but maybe only if pressed as Chelsea morning suggested. If you can't talk to her about it that is. Good luck-I'm sure it will turn out okay, and as Chelsea said, you can always change things after you see her wedding! Keep it at the beach though if that's what you want!
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I had a cousin like that..Years ago when I married my x, I had planned a gorgeous wedding. And about 10 mos later she got married. She actually called me to ask if she could have the same music played at her wedding and could I tell her who did my flowers, etc. Luckily the florist and I were (still are in fact) friends and he changed things up to suit "her". I took it as flattery, but when she called asking where could she buy the SAME dress I stopped it right there and then. I told her that I didn't find it great that she was wanting to do the same exact things down to a T, and that everybody would def
If it were me, I'd hit the nail on the head. This is an ongoing situation and if it's not addressed and dealt with there will be a SECOND generation of copycats and distrust when you both become moms and have kids..for she'll keep it up.
I'd arrange for you and your mom and her and her mom to have a sit down talk. Remain calm and nice, maybe taking them out to lunch. Discuss to her how you had previously designed your wedding, colors, even the venue and that you do NOT wish to have a double wedding, and you do NOT APPRECIATE their efforts to thwart you or your mom's good ideas and planning. Since this has gone on for years, I'd be cordial, but if they'd lose their cool with me, I'd plan my own ideas and not discuss it with them...such as sending out SAVE THE DATES well in advance with THE SAME VENUE on it..and I'd make darned sure that everybody in the family knows the score if your cousin does not listen to reason and respond decently and carries out her copycat wedding. Hopefully she will be nice and maybe just bringing this behavior to their attention will thwart it, but if it does not, then I would send out the STD's, and then tell her it's her time to change plans..
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I went through the same thing when I was previously engaged.
I would stop sharing ANY ideas with her, and like above posters, I would give her bogus ideas.
My mom told me to stop stressing over whether someone is copying me and just pay attention to the details at her wedding. My mother got married before all of her friends, and now she wishes she could have done it last, and improved upon their ideas. Since you have plenty of time between hers and yours, just see what she does, and improve it.
If she's that much of a competitor, I would TELL her that you're considering another venue, and see if she changes hers, like chealseamorning said.
I second the advice of beffielou. It sounds like this has been a long standing issue and this might be a great time to address it in a kind, non-threatening way. It is clear that your cousin looks up to you (imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, after all) and it's likely that she thinks your ideas are trendy, cool, exciting, beautiful, etc. How about talking to her about the issue at hand(you feel burdened by her copying) as well as the secondary issue (you both want to have beautiful weddings)? Perhaps when your cousin knows how this makes you feel, she will be less likely to repeat her behavior. Finally, you might offer to help her plan her own unique wedding. This could be a great bonding experience for both of you and could show her your support while also helping you have the unique wedding you have been dreaming of!
Man, even the house?? I would not only stop sharingwedding details, but details on your life in general, that she'd liekly copy.
I love the idea about throwing out some decoy. And the way Chelseamorning put it, it wouldn't exactly be like lying. But I'm dying at what maryjane said! Too funny.
I would still have the beach wedding, if you want it. Is it a destination deal? I would think it would be more welcomed by your guests in November than June, anyway. And I would consider changing some things like the centerpieces.
Wow. That's balls.
I would tell her you have COMPLETELY changed your mind, and then give her details about another venue, location, everything. (Borrow from other Bees here who have posted their details!) Then you can see if she really is copying everything. I would definitely tell her it bothers you, and let her know that you won't be sharing any further details if she intends to keep it up. And even if she says she won't, I would still tell her your third or fourth choice for everything. She's sneaky and I don't think it's flattering that she is doing this, I think it is underhanded and mean-spirited.
I would TOTALLY do what MaryJane said. But I'm so like that, too. Can you send her a link to a different house and say, "oh i wanted to help, here's the one we're going with!" and let her eat dirt basically?
You can always change your mind on other stuff. I probably would...i'd think "Hmmm how can i go above and beyodn what i already have?" and roll wtih it.
Tell her you got X wedding dress, too and totally keep yours secret!
Is this cousin's mom your dad's sis or your mom's sis? Depending on how close they all are, you could sic your mom on her. I totally would with my mom. My mom would rip into my aunt about that so fast everyone would be embarassed FOR my aunt.
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I am sorry but the first thing I thought was "funny" because I came to work to explain to the bookkeeper here about my weekend. Which is way too close to this story.
I have a cousin too, a cousin in a family just like this, sort of.
More like when my mom died my aunt said how hard it was on her girls.
WTF??? I was young teen and that was MY mom!
When asked about my wedding last year, I said that it would be this year. So, then 4 months later my cousin is engaged and planning for the same month. So, then I just started to telling everyone that we were waiting, that it would be like a year from now. So, now they are all surprised we are doing it in Australia in 5 weeks.
And when asked why so far away, I say so that it can't be critisized by unloving people and leave it at that.
I say "throw her off the trail", give her a recommendation of a house, but not your house, give her one that is WAY expensive. Heck, give her a different beach. Give her the opposite colors you are having, and by NO MEANS let her know about your dress. Keep that under lock and key. Stay far from the competition, it's unloving. And this is a very loving period of your life, it is YOUR wedding day.
Clearly is lacking creativity. And maybe you could just say, perhaps you could get a little more creative with your wedding. What a bore it will be that people will know how I've planned my wedding and all you are doing is copying.
I am sorry to say but it sounds like everything is a competition. And DO NOT tell her when you plan on having children. Just saying.
Good luck!
I am not letting my aunt or my cousin see my dress, not because I think they will try and find the same dress but because of the crap they have to say about it.
Like, "are you wearing white?"
I should say, "none of you f*$%#@^& business" or "yes, you know I haven't been married before and I have no children born out of wedlock" but that just seems mean. But if pushed I might just say it.
Thanks for all the advice. I still will have my beach wedding I just will not be able to tell my cousin anything. Its really sad to me bc when shes not trying to compete with me we are very close we roomed together for 2 yrs in college and she is also one of my MOH and I am supposed to be hers. I think she starts acting like this when her mother pushes it. My aunt is so mean about things she loves to be mean I dont know if its jealousy or what. I am keeping all my details under lock and key now especially my dress and the house I am getting where we will be having a poolside reception. I really hope this dies down. I have tried to talk to her about this sort of thing before and she denied any wrong doing. My aunt is actually my dad's brother's wife. my mother and her have never gotten along and didnt speak for several yrs after one of these copying things happened. I think the only reason they speak now is bc my cousin and I are close.
MARYJANE cape halarious lol
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I still think you should send the STD's way in advance and thwart her trying to use the same place..
Tossing out fictional info to her isn't productive either for it's still encouraging her to continue this destructive behavior (I was a psych minor...can't you tell?) She'll think she can GET AWAY with it..and keep doing it. I'd rather just keep all my design ideas to myself knowing she's refusing to use her own creativity.
I think the sit-down where you gently but succinctly tell her you have got her M.O. and that it's not going to fly is what is needed here. And that a DOUBLE WEDDING IS NOT AN OPTION WHATSOEVER.. If after doing the up front thing, by letting her know you will not tolerate this passive aggressive yet copycat behavior from her, she still does the same crap, I'd get her good by sending out those STD's and informing ALL who might be going to both weddings you hope they can attend, as you've been planning this for OVER A YEAR...should end her reign of duplicity and jealousy. Well maybe NOTHING could stop her jealousy but if she knows everybody's got her number, she might think twice before doing that to anybody ever again.
She sounds to me more of a "frenemy" than either friend or relative.
I will be sending the STDs in June I can't do it any sooner bc my FH is in the Army and is deployed right now. He gets his midtour leave in a few weeks and we will be having our engagement pictures taken then and they will be put in the STDs. Hopefully shes not as organized as I am and planning fast I have a binder with everything planned out. maybe it needs a lock now :)
Move your wedding up to May! That would show her, heh. Don't even tell her. In all seriousness, I think you should tell her some fake details about your wedding just so that she'll copy them. You don't even have to be mean, just some different stuff so that she ends up with a different wedding anyway.
Wow! Sorry to hear your troubles. Thank God I never had that problem.
Personally I think she is jealous and therefore trying to over do anything you set your mind on. If you are set on a beach destination wedding then do it. I just want to warn you ahead of time, since she made her wedding a few months before you, the cash might be tight for family. If both weddings are at a destination place.
But if you are truely set on a beach wedding, you can plan your own thing without telling her any more than you already have. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who thinks for herself. So try not to let her in on any secrets and just make something wonderful for yourself.
Plus, since hers is months before yours, you can note everything she did wrong and people complained about and do yours the opposite. Than yours will be more memorable =) The game is ON!
May would be excellent!
Besides, why wait?
If it is just planning, know that it can be done in a very short period of time. I have 6 weeks total to plan a wedding in Australia from the states as my FH is in Kuwait.
I would go nuts planning for a wedding for a year or longer than 8 weeks.
I'd lock the binder.
I would change the date but my date is really important to me its my parents date and I would like to have it. My parents would have been married 30 yrs on the day of my wedding but my dad passed away a little over a year ago.
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery....
but it's still freaking annoying. Reminds me a little of Bride Wars
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Ok, I don't know where to start but from the time me and my cousin were in diapers. Our whole lives her parents my aunt and uncle have tried to make everything a competition between us and she grew up to be the same as them. We are very close in age and have always done everything together. My aunt loves to talk down about whatever I or my mother are doing and then copy?? how weird. when I turned 16 I got a red camaro my aunt talked down and said they would be getting my cousin a better car etc and then she got the exact same car 4 weeks later. there are many many instances where this has happened. ok now fast forward to the present me and my cousin started dating are now fh at about the same time within 2 months 4 yrs ago well her and her fh had not even talked about getting married when my fh proposed in feb2009. My fh is in the army and deployed so we decided on nov2010 and I have started planning well as soon as i told her we were engaged she started planning her own wedding before her fh even asked her!! she pretty much talked him into buying her and ring and is now planning on a june 2010 wedding. I had told her a few of my ideas thinking i was safe before bc they had not talked about getting married. now she wants a destination beach wedding the same as mine and is trying to find the house I picked by searching online. she is copying my flowers colors and my center peice idea. my aunt even said why dont you guys have a double wedding in june so we can split the price!! I dont know what to do atleast half the guests will be the same and I dont know if I want to get married on the beach anymore bc it will be so alike and now her wedding is before mine. help ideas??