Post # 1
Just out of curiosity…do you take into consideration the costs of attending a wedding (travel, hotel room, etc) when making your gift?
My husband usually goes by the ‘give them what they gave us’ rule…which is typically fine with me. Only thing is, for this upcoming wedding we’re attending, it’s costing us a lot more than I had anticipated…What would you all do in this situation?
Post # 3
@babycakes24: DW couple need to understand that people are losing vacation days or pay from work, incurring travel expenses, and are quite frankly be inconvenienced into taking a vacation at a location they didn’t chose for an event that isn’t theirs. Yes, you need to take into account the total you are spending and yes, you only spend what you can afford. You are not expected to go into debt for anyone’s wedding and many DW couples say that people’s presence is a gift (they know how expensive it is to attend). You don’t have to give what they gave you if you can’t afford it!
Post # 4
I think people should give what they want to give and can afford to give.
No one should feel compelled to give a gift that he or she cannot afford to give. I don’t think anyone would expect that, and, if he or she does, that says far more about that person than it does about the person who is unable to give a gift (or a more expensive gift.)
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest
I think that I would try to ‘give what they gave’; however if I couldn’t afford that given all of the travel costs, then I would adjust accordingly.
Post # 6
Give how much you can afford. I too usually go by ” give them how much they gave us”, but I don’t think it applies to destination weddings.
Post # 7
We recently had a wedding that was 8-9 hours away (NYC)…after travel costs, hotel for 4 days, suit (FI was in the wedding), attire for me, hair cost, food and subway/cab costs, and both of us taking 2 days off of work, vacation time for a Sunday wedding, we didn’t give that much for a monetary gift…and they were immediate family.
Post # 8
For any wedding, destination or not, I give what I can afford. With destination that tends to be a bit less than a local wedding since after paying for travel I can’t afford a lot more. I think with a DW the couple has to expect that people have taken time from work and paid for travel, so they understand a smaller gift.
Post # 9
I would give them the same as I would have given them otherwise, but unless we were incredibly close I would not likely travel to attend a DW. I would give a gift anyway though.
Post # 10
I do what we can afford given our financial situation at the time. For example, a few years ago I was in a job where I was making a pretty decent income and so was DH. I managed to drop like 3k to fly halfway around the world to a DW in Vegas, attend the events, and gave like $100.
Well, it’s a few years later and DH and I are working to launch our own company so we’re a lot more tight this year. One of my other besties is getting married and I’ve had to shell out like $100 for the shower gift, $100 for the bachelorette party, $200 in clothing for the parties, and am probably giving $100/150 for presents. Is it exactly equal for the other best friend? No. But I can tell you that I’m feeling this blow a lot more accutely. (i.e., that and DH’s BFF’s wedding the next weekend are bleeding me DRY!)
In a perfect world, I’d be able to just give everyone I love all the things and all the money.
ETA: I didn’t do a big wedding (DH and I got married alone and had a “No gifts” anniversary reception) so I can’t really use the “what they gave us” standard, even if I wanted to. But I do try to focus on *our* circumstances and what we can afford/feel comfortable with.
Post # 11
Thanks for the responses…I’m finding them very helpful so far!
To be honest, I was pretty surprised at the amount this particular friend (and her FI…soon to be husband!) gave us for our wedding. We met a few years ago at work and get along great, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider us to be close.
There isn’t even a lot left on her registry, otherwise, I’d give her a small cash gift and a gift off the registry.
@Mrs.LemonDrop: I hear ya about the business stuff! My husband and I are in that boat right now as well (and 5 months preggo to boot!)…it’s rewarding, but definitely a tricky transition.
Post # 12
I give my standard gift regardless of wedding location.
Post # 13
We give what we can afford and what we give almost everyone, regardless of the travel circumstances.
However, in my area gifts are defintely less “extravegent” than some other places. We normally give $65-$100 depending on the relationship with the person. That is the standard norm here. I can see how giving a $300+ gift would be harder if that’s what you normally give but then have to add like $300+ in travel/lodging fees.
Post # 14
@babycakes24: I agree with FI, give what they gave you. In your situation, I would give a gift that you can afford since you are already shelling out extra cash bc of traveling expense and what not. The couple should be understanding that some of guests are spending alot to be there for them. I had 2 cousins from VA drive all the way up to Brooklyn to come to my wedding and only gave $50 when I paid $160 pp. I didn’t care bc they came so far for me.
Post # 15
Going to talk to DH tonight and see what his thoughts are…truth is, no one forced us to attend this wedding…it’s just that the RSVP date was super early (July) and a few unforeseen circumstances have come up since then (work and healthwise)…also, the rooms at the resort ending up being a bit more than I had anticipated.
Post # 16
I think it depends on how big the gift from them was and what you can afford. If it was $100 or less, I’d just give equally if you’re able, but when it gets beyond that, it’s hard to match when you’re spending a lot to be there. We had some friends that had to spend more on our wedding because the groom had to get a kilt for ours, but they still gave equally. I wouldn’t have been upset if it was less.
I also think with you being 5 months pregnant, they should understand that finances may be a little tight. If you go out of your way to be there & give them a gift at all along with a nice card, I can’t imagine any person with a good heart would be hurt.