could be triggering to some.. family conflicts

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

Mrslovebug:  Simple as this, I would tell mine & FI’s family and friends that if this man will be in the house, my child will not. I understand he served his time, and may be rehabilitated, but I still would not trust him enough to be around my child. Unfortunately, it may cause some hurt feelings but they will have to decide which is more important.

Post # 3
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Mrslovebug:  Hopefully the family will be mature enough not to turn against the FI as it certainly has nothing to do with her.

I have trouble understanding why he is not required to register as a sex offender, so much so, that I would phone the police or the prosecutor’s office and ask for an explanation. If, in fact, he raped a seven year old, I do not understand why serving a sentence for murder would negate the fact that he is a sex offender.

Above all, I would priorize the need to protect children over any feelings of any of the family. I would tell anyone with children, or who may be looking after children so they can keep them safe by ensuring they are never in the company of this man.

 

Post # 4
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

I agree with previous posters, the safety of the child (yours, or any) is paramount to any discomfort that could ever arise from having to have a frank discussion about this.

One of my relatives was sexually abusive to another of my family members, and is also mentally ill. My mother choses not to see him and all our childhood chose not to have him around us because of his past, and while we were sometimes allowed to see him at large events, we were always in the company of several adults and my mother had made it clear to others and to us that he was not to be trusted with her children. Did it make it awkward? Yes, it did. But awkwardness is a small price to pay in order to keep your child safe.

I also think it’s within your rights to speak to your local law enforcement and discuss your discomfort with the fact that this man’s record of sexual abuse isn’t public knowledge. I doubt your daughter is the only child that’s exposed to him, and parents have a right to know so they can make a decision for themselves as to who they want around their children.

This has to be a very unsettling situation for you, I wish you only peace and hope you can come to an arrangement that makes you as comfortable as possible.

Post # 6
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Seriously, I would be much more concerned about my six year old daughter ending up raped dead than I would be about my great uncle’s fiance’s feelings. I fully support you telling your great uncle’s fiance privately to please understand that Victim had been your friend in childhood, and you and your family do not want to be in contact with Murderer/Rapist at all, at any time, and ask her to please warn you if she invites him to any event. It doesn’t have to be said meanly or anything, more like, I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but…

Post # 7
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

ohnatto:  I think this is great advice.  You know the victim.  That’s a really big deal.  I mean, he’s a murderer and a rapist so those are more than enough reasons to not want to be around him at all, let alone your children, but you actually were friends with the person he murdered.  They should be sensitive to that, and if they don’t understand it or have a problem with it, I would probably stop seeing them altogether.  There’s no reason to subject yourself to those memories and thoughts, nor your family to any potential violence!

I believe any parent would rather know the truth about this man than to have you stay quiet to keep the peace.  I’m all for speaking up to those who are spending time with him.  I’d be so much more angry as a parent to find out that someone close to me knew the history of a violent rapist and murderer and didn’t tell me to watch myself and my children.

I would also talk to the prosecutor’s office/police.  It doesn’t seem right at all.  

Post # 8
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

Mrslovebug:  First, as you seem to be aware of, the issue here is totally unrelated to his sister. I personally would probably reflect on what sort of person would have a “soft spot” for a man like that, but I’m sure she justifies it in her mind somehow. So, it’s not my place to judge. 

Assuming this person did what you said he did, I could not be in the same vacinity as that monster. I have a hard time knowing that I share the same air with animals like this. Let alone allow my child to be in his presence. Absolutely not. Not only did he molest a child… He murdered one. That’s horrifying, to say the least. And, anyone who has researched anything about the pedophile mindset, knows that it is a lifelong sickness that they battle day in and day out. The attraction to children does not just go away. Regardless of how long they were in prison. 

If you think he will be some place that you are attending, AND you are pretty sure the host is aware of his history, than you simply don’t go. You can’t dictate whether or not that can associate with a pedophile rapist murderer. And, while I’m not one to interfere in others people’s lives or hold their past against them, I do have to say this would be an exception. Because if I knew there would also be other small children in attendance and I didn’t think their parents knew, I would absolutely 100% make sure they knew before placing themselves in a situation where they could potentially befriend this monster.

Post # 9
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are very understanding in that you don’t let your apprehension about the brother affect your relationship with his sister. But I would not have him anywhere near your children. That means that if you go to a family dinner and the brother is there, you walk out, to hell with hurting anyone’s feelings. Your children’s safety is paramount.

Post # 11
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t put up a Facebook page with his picture; it’s illegal in most jurisdictions and you might get yourself into a bit of your own legal trouble. You probably can’t force him to register as a sex offender either; if it wasn’t a part of his original sentence, you can’t pressure the police to just add that on after the fact. It may seem like there’s too many loopholes, and in some cases there are, but the laws are written to protect us all; if you had done a crime, been convicted and sentenced, and served your time, it wouldn’t be very fair if the court decided that wasn’t enough and you had to suddenly do more. Keep that in mind as you go along— don’t forget that any of us could end up in the defendant’s chair one day! So whatever you do, don’t try to dilute those protections!

that said, it’s probably wise to sit down with a local victims’ rights advocate and an attorney to discuss your options. They will know the laws in your area and be able to make some better recommendations on how to have this man be a part of your community while still protecting the community.

also do your best to not judge the sister. This man was her brother long before he committed his terrible crime, and she is probably in the worst position of anyone (other than the victim’s family), as she has to try to reconcile her anger/horror over what he’s done with her love of her brother and her desire to support him. I’m sure her only wish is for him to get on with his life, be happy, get a job, be productive and not ever reoffend, but he is in a community that will reject him, jobs will be difficult to get for an ex-con regardless of his crime, and who knows if he will ever be able to have anything like a normal life (not saying that to get sympathy for him, just pointing out that some sense of normality is a must have, if the offender does not want to re-offend). Being stuck in the middle has got to be confusing, exhausting and stressful for her.

Post # 12
Member
552 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Mrslovebug:  I’m not sure how it is in your jurisdiction, but you can try and contact the court (maybe write a letter to the judge) to find out why he doesn’t have to register.  It could be that there was some sort of loophole in the law back then; things are getting stricter now, I think.  You could also try contacting your state’s sex offender registration unit for more clarification, as well.  It’s also possible that he does have to register and simply hasn’t.  But it might be good to get more information just because.

Definitely stick with your instincts; it’s always better safe than sorry.  I wouldn’t allow him to be around any children I had in my care.  I’m so sorry to hear about this.  What a horrible story.

Post # 13
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

He murdered a person.  I’d say the whole family is at risk, at least anyone that can’t defend themselves, like the grandmother.  I can’t believe that the sister hasn’t given the people in this family the option of not being around him.  She’s as effed up as he is.  Ruffle feathers, who the heck cares she’s your daughter your her biggest advocate.  How sick would you feel if anything happened at his hands to anyone in FI’s family?  I’d be honest and talk about it.  You could really make a difference.  

 

Post # 14
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Just wanted to add that I still am all for telling the family about his history, regardless of children or not.  I don’t care if his past violence was limited to only children; I don’t want to be in the same room as anyone who has committed those heinous crimes.  Not just for my own safety or the safety of those around me, but for my mental well-being.  I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else except what terrible things he did.  His crimes obviously affected you in a way that is to be expected.  There’s no reason to continue to open those wounds.

I also wouldn’t just stop having those family members babysit.  They might think it’s for another reason and stir up different drama.  Plus, if your daughter has a good relationship with them, and they like seeing your daughter, I wouldn’t take that away.  I would just tell them about him and make it clear that you refuse to allow them to be around each other in any way, shape or form.

Post # 15
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Please protect your children for this man!  If he wants to molest your kids he will find a way to access them no matter how careful you are.   The only way to protect your kids is not to even be in the same vicinity as this man.  I was sexually abused by my dad as a child.  I can’t begin to tell you the lifetime of damage he has caused.

If you want to warn others about this rapist/child killer.  Tell other parents/people/community members about his past.  Believe me once his story gets out it will spread like wildfire.  You have no obligation to protect him, only yourself and your loved ones.

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