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I was reading Miss Pudding's blog post from last week, which mentioned the infamous Aiden ring on Sex and the City, and it got me thinking:
Could a ring be a dealbreaker for me?
I don't really know my answer... I know that more and more couples are buying their engagement rings together now than ever before, but if I were to be surprised with a ring I didn't like I don't really know how I would feel! There are definitely a few things I could think of that might be dealbreakers... but at the same time, I know it's just a ring.
What do you think? Could a ring be a dealbreaker for you?
I don't think so. My FI could have given me anything and I would have been ok with it and happy to marry him. Of course, I wanted a princess cut center diamond and got it...Still, I think if it's the right guy, the ring wouldn't be a deal breaker, just maybe something to "upgrade" or exchange later if it was something that you couldn't grow to love.
Miss apple - i don't think it would be a dealbreaker. if he gets me something i don't like and there's no way to return or exchange it, i'll just live with it. sure, i might be, and might express dissappointment because i'll have to wear the thing, like, forever. but at this stage of our relationship i just want to be my BF's wife more than i care about rings or having THE perfect wedding. A ring is important to me for what it means in terms of his level of commitment, but whether or not i get THE ring matters less.
It was a dealbreaker for a friend of mine. She thought that if her fiance didn't know her well enough to know what she liked and didn't like in a ring then it wouldn't work out with them. (Sadly, he had the ring specially designed for her).
They broke up and eventually worked things out a couple of years later. They are now married, but I lost touch with her since then.
I don't think the ring would've been a deal breaker for me at all. Of course, I did drop hints that I prefered a princess cut solitare, but FI told me after the proposal that he originally looked at round because he liked it but found better deals on princess, so it worked out in my favor. However, if it had really been something that was totally what I didn't want, I don't think he would've been crushed and we could have a different setting made or whatever. He wouldn't want me living with a ring that I didn't like for the rest of my life. It's not like I would've been saying no to the proposal after all. =)
I think if the ring is truly a deal breaker, then the girl probably doesn't want to truly marry the guy anyway. There are so many options if you don't like the ring...suck it up and love it anyway because the man you love bought it for you....nicely figure out a way to let him down and ask for an exchange..."upgrade" it later on...etc.
i don't think it would be but i'm glad i won't have to worry about it being a factor. this was why we went shopping together so he could get a better idea of what i'd like and what would look good on me. he figured since he was going to be spending a good chunk of money on it and that i would be wearing it for the rest of my life, it should be something i really loved.
That is really hard to say - I think that if he was way off base I would think twice about how much he knew me but I am such an open book that I think that is almost impossible!
But as far as size or quality or whether it was a ring pop or a real diamond that wouldn't matter - I would have said yes to a rubber band!
I don't think the ring would be a dealbreaker. If your SO picks out the ring on his own I kinda like to think that whatever design he picks is what says you to him. If that makes sense? Luckily for my FH picked out the exact type of ring I always wanted and would have picked out for myself all on his own.
Mimosa- I think that whole stunt actually contributed to the demise of our friendship. It seemed like such a small thing to me... especially when the guy had this really unique ring lovingly handcrafted for her... only to see her basically reject it (and him), so harshly.
It changed the way I thought about her a little bit, you know?
Oh myyy! Mrs. DG- wow, that is really sad for the girl's (now) husband. It would definitely change my view of a friend if she did that!
And no, I don't think the ring could ever be a dealbreaker. The only thing that could is absence of love for the person, and no desire to spend the rest of my life with him.
Oh yeah, that's pretty.. selfish, inconsiderate, petty, and wwaaayy materialistic! I can't believe he STILL wanted to be with her.. that's amazing.
A ring I didn't like would definitely not in itself be a dealbreaker, but since I'd made pretty clear that I did not want to be surprised by a proposal (or a ring, for that matter) it would definitely be food for thought if he decided to ignore me!
Definitely no. I wasn't picky at all on the ring. The proposal could have been a dealbreaker, though! I flat out told my FI that if he proposed in front of a bunch of people I would tell him no, lol. I wanted it to be intimate and private!
Oh no...your relationship is not strong enough for marriage if you end it over a ring (IMO)
I dealbreaker as in you wouldn't marry him or be with him anymore, if he bought you the wrong ring? Wow, that's harsh!
The only way I think this would be a "deal breaker" is if the engagement was overly rushed and he had no idea what I wanted. You have to really not know or understand someone if you get them an engagement ring that would make them leave!
Like, for me, I would NEVER wear a solitaire because I simply do not like the look of them. I wanted BLING, baby! And thank goodness he listened. ;)
For that reason awe went window shopping the other day, and I got to try things on. He knows my dream ring, which is the classic Tiffany setting, but if he doesn't get that particular one he knows that I like something simple nothing too big no three stones etc. Communication is key. This way he gets to surprise and you are surprised with something you like..and like someone else said if you end the relationship over a ring and what it looks like then you weren't in love, and sure enough aren't ready for such a committment
Not a deal breaker, but it might get me to thinking why he didn't listen to me. LOL!! I am not really into diamond jewelry at all. Mister is flashy and will only wear diamond jewelry, if any. So, I can his mouth watering to purchase that 3 carat diamond ring. But... he knows I'd be very uncomfortable wearing it and I've informed him of my style. So, the ring alone... not a deal breaker. But if he totally disregards my wants and gets something that he really just wants to brag about... I'd re-think some things.
There was a time when I wondered this myself. I asked DH once what he would do if he got me a ring and I told him I didn't like it and wanted to exchange it. I think the stubbornness in him reared his ugly head and he said he would break up with me, that I should just be grateful he proposed in the first place. This didn't sit well with me so we actually had this discussion! The ring COULD HAVE been a dealbreaker if he'd proposed with something I disliked and if he actually went through with his ridiculous stubborn attitude. I won't wear something I dislike out of principle...I don't work like that. Frankly, I felt like after 4 years, he should know me well enough to know what NOT to get me and how to handle this and for him to be so blunt about it, well, I found it offensive! And he found me offensive, wanting to pick out my own ring and all. It was an interesting talk but really, it wasn't a fight! In the end, he realized I was right (smart man) and that he was being silly, thinking he could pick out such an important piece of jewelry all by himself when he was so jewelry-illiterate, especially when I'd already picked it out online =]
We played a game when we went ring shopping. He hated it, acknowledge that he hated shopping, and commented that he probably would have settled for the first pretty sparkly ring. He said they all looked the same. So, he "picked" a ring for me in a store that I would have truly hated. I kissed him and thanked him for letting me pick out my own.
I feel like if he was going to propose, he should know me well enough to know that he should let me pick it out or HEAVILY acknowledge the prized beauties I'd email him.
Boy this makes me sound like a bad person. But, hey, it wasn't the size of the ring that would have done me in (although he knows i like me some diamond baubles), but the fact that if I didn't like what he got me, I was just supposed to grin and bear it or break up over it? It seemed silly...Thankfully he realized his faults =]
91011bride said it better in two sentences than I said in my 3 measly paragraphs =]
The ring could be a gateway into a bigger discussion...l
My FI and I talked about rings for a long time, he knew exactly what I wanted and I got it. For couples that have not taken that step yet, I advice taking a little trip to the jewelery store, show him what you like and make sure that you know that he can afford it, sometimes we get dreamy about the perfect ring we can't have. So be open and talk about it =)
Absolutely not. I told my FI it could have been plastic for all I cared. Of course, when I said that I did so knowing he is a traditionalist and would have gotten me a diamond no matter what. And now that I have the diamond, I do love it! But no, I feel that if it was ugly, it would somehow be even sweeter. Just the thought of him picking it out makes me get butterflies still.
Not at all. Perhaps for some people the 'he must not know me at all' argument makes sense, but FI has absolutely no sense of my taste in clothing or style. It's just not him. He's super thoughtful and always helpful in really practical ways, but he couldn't pick out a ring by himself to save his life (especially not 'the' ring). I think if someone says a rings is a dealbreaker there is usually something else going on,
I think that if my FI proposed with a certain kind of ring I would have said no because I was very explicit about what I did not want. I didn't tell him exactly what I wanted... but there are certain things that are NOT my style (yellow gold, marquis cut, heart-shaped diamonds). I told him multiple times that I don't care for those things... if he got me one (or a combo) of them it would show me that he completely ignored my requests and didn't care about my wishes.
Now, if he got me something we didn't talk about that I just didn't like I would have said yes... but I probably would have told him I loved HIM but not the RING and ask if we could go shopping together.
@corgitales, I'm the same way......he knew how I felt about it (i'm practical--it's more than just him proposing with THE ring, it's about ME wearing it FOREVER too....after the wedding was all said and done, I wanted to like what I was wearing), and if he got me something I specifically said I didn't want (a solitaire, a yellow gold setting, round diamonds, etc), then I would have taken it like, "why didn't you listen to me?"
It's worse than him saying, "i don't like tofu" and then me cooking him dinner and saying, "it's tofu. You'll eat it or shut up". I know a ring and dinner are not one at the same, but I think it's the underlying principle behind the ring--the blatant disregard for something I specifically said.
nah.. but neither of us would want me wearing a heinous ring that represented our relationship, so it wouldn't be an issue. Now, if he'd had the thing custom made for me and I didn't like it, i would sit and seriously consider what he factored in and why it was designed that way. If after reflection, i still thought it was way off base, i would tell him i thought carefully about it and would like to tweak this or that - i think that honesty would be the best policy and both would be happy in the end. I might also butter him up with a flat screen TV for our bedroom or office as a compromise, whatever is easiest.
I ended up picking out the ring with him, after we were engaged. It was a ring neither of us could imagine if we'd actually put some thought into the choice before shopping. So, it pays to have an open mind!
(though if it was the carrie ring, ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
it wouldn't be for me. we have completely different styles, i know that, so i was worried. i find nothing wrong with dropping some hints, i told him i like vintage. but really if i didn't get that, i'm not in it for the ring, i'm in it for him.
I think since it's a sign of the start of your marriage people tend to read into things a bit more than they normally do. I wouldn't expect my husband to pick out the perfect shirt for me. He'd probably pick out something cute, he has good taste, but he might not get it quite right, but that doesn't mean our marriage will fail.
That being said, if after an intial gut reaction of 'oh no you don't know me at all, how are we ever going to work out in marriage' you don't get over it, he's probably not the guy for you. Like Carrie in SITC, it wasn't the ring, it was because she didn't want to be married to him that she freaked over the ugly ring.
I wouldn't say it's a dealbreaker, we'd just have to make some adjustments! I'm also VERY picky...
I don't think its fair to say if someone doesn't like the ring than her FI is not the guy for her. I've heard people say some cracked out things like, "women who are not satisfied with their original e-ring are more likely to get divorced", etc, etc.
I call bull sh*t. I think its important a bride likes her e-ring because she has to wear it & look at it for the rest of her married life :) Hopefully the FH is an understanding man that wants his little lady to be happy!
I would maybe ask if we could return if for a new one, if I truely hated it. But I would never ever not accept the proposal because of it. Me and my fiance picked out my ring togather, I loved doing it that way!
I didn't mean you shouldn't be happy with the ring, I think ejs has a post on that. I just meant if it's to the point where it's a dealbreaker, I think there are other things going on.
It's most certainly not a dealbreaker. As others have said, if you break up with someone over a ring, you don't really want to get married in the first place. Carrie didn't want to marry Aiden. Case in point :)
If my husband had picked out a ring that wasn't me at all, it's a sign that he has bad taste, not that he doesn't know me. This is also why he asked for pictures of the kind of ring I wanted before he popped the question.
I don't know if I could really read into my guy screwing up a ring. It's a very nerve-wracking time for them and I can see men easily picking whatever the jeweler throws at them. I wouldn't take it as selfish or thoughtless, just ill-prepared.
When we first went ring shopping my SO picked out a series of rings I'd never consider prior to my arriving at the store- even though he literally had a cheap cocktail ring model of what I wanted.... what can I say, they lose their minds when surrounded by all that bling. 
@bvig: you are so right :).
i don't think the ring itself could be a dealbreaker, but like most of you said, if the ring itself was NOT what you wanted and he didn't want you to get something you DID want, that would be a problem. but that's a different problem than the ring, that's a problem w/communication.
i think i would be happy with just about anything as long as it shows some thought and effort... like, as long as he considers my style (i very rarely wear yellow gold) and buys responsibly (gets a diamond that comes w/a cert from GIA), i will be a very happy girl!
maybe i'm old-fashioned, but i like the idea of a guy choosing a ring all by himself... even though i can totally see logically why if you know what you want you should just tell him!
It wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but I would be disapointed if it was the complete opposite of anything I would ever like, and at that point we would exchange it :)
I'm feeling like I need to watch some Liz Lemon Deal Breaker clips about now :)
Corgitales eloquently said exactly my viewpoint: since I had told him things that I liked and things I definitely didn't like, if he got a ring with those elements I'd feel like he hadn't listened to me. What kind of basis is that for a marriage? If I just didn't like it (which would be hard since other than what I mentioned not liking I'm pretty easy to please) then I would just accept it as a token of our love.
Wow a deal breaker? It would not be for me! I got lucky and my fiance picked out a gorgeous ring, but I would never break up with him over a ring. Thats seems a little silly to me, to leave someone you love over something material.
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