Could use some advice. (Feeling frustrated)

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Jamjam:  did you have an issue with your sex life before you found out about how often ‘the average couple’ does it? 

Post # 5
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Jamjam:  ok. 

obviously i don’t know much about your relationship, but in your conversations about your sex life has he said anything that he has issues with? it sounds like you’ve been honest with him but your post doesn’t mention anything about how he’s feeling about it.

it turns you off if he’s talking or silly? he might find it difficult to initiate because that’s probably how he would go about it, and feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t want to turn you off. 




Post # 6
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you just have to get over wanting him to initiate.

Some people just arent comfortable doing so, if you are comfortable doing so and you want to have sex more often then you initiate.

Its not going to magically change, he is not an initator *shrug* you can still have a great sex life, YOU just have to get things going.

If he has always been that way I don’t see how you can ask him to change. Its one of those things which are ingrained in a person.

Just dont take his not initating personally, because its likely just they way he is built.

Love him and initiate and dont get mad at him because it will just make the situation uncomfortable and stressful which is not an environment which leads to happy sex making 🙂

Post # 7
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In regards to feeling like you dont want him to talk or be silly: My husband used to initate by saying “so, do you wanna do it?” and I didn’t like him asking that way, and I said so to him, which lead to the much more awkward “um, come to the bedroom” or strange looks, because he didnt know what else to do!

Guess how he still initates yep “so, do you wanna do it?” because its just the way he is built.

I just had to get used to it and now it makes me smile.

Things arent always like the movies lol, sometimes you have to work together to figure out what works for each of you. If its him being silly then you should just get over it, because thats him, the person you married.

Post # 8
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Jamjam:  Ugh. He sounds JUST like my DH!

My DH is a little bit of a stereotypical woman when it comes to sex. He’s just not that interested! And since I’m DTF 24/7/366, it can be hard on me since I’m always initiating, and very frequently getting shut down!

I actually talked to a therapist about it. She gave me a LOT of good advice about WHY I wanted so much sex, and why I was so CRUSHED that DH doesn’t!

Post # 9
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Jamjam:  It sounds like maybe he’s nervous about sex or initiating? Could that explain why he jokes around when you’re trying to be serious and get intimate?

I think the two of you need to discuss more than him not initiating–you need to talk about his low sex drive and find out what he thinks is the cause of that. It’s not just that he doesn’t initiate, but that he’s fine with having sex only a few times a month. WHY doesn’t he initiate? Is he just not that into sex? Is there something else he wants to try during sex that would get him more into it? Has he always had a low sex drive? Those are the things you need to find out.

Post # 10
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My FI is the more sexual one in our relationship. When he expressed displeasure at the frequency, I told him that since I plan all our dates, activities, etc., that’s my realm (since that’s what important to me) and he is in charge of the sexual realm (since that is what’s important to him). I.e. take control over your own happiness-if you wait on him to magically know what level of sexuality is good for you, you’re going to be waiting forever because you’re more into it than him and what’s good for him isn’t enough for you. FI had been hoping that I’d just “get it” but of course, it took a lot of heartache and arguments before I figured out what was really going on because in the end, no, I’m not a mind reader. That’s just the reality-two people are not going to be totally in sync on every level of a relationship. So you are just going to have to be the initiator and stop reading into what it means that he isn’t initiating-unless when you initiate he is totally not into it. Then you guys could see a therapist to work on what’s really going on.


Post # 11
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Peacockhead:  This.

It sounds like you two are different. I know it’s hard but I would try not to take it personally. 

Post # 13
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Jamjam:  I used to be bothered by the fact the my SO doesn’t really do much to initiate sex either. He will kiss me or hold me or something, but I’m almost always the one to take it to another level. I have learned to not let it bother me; sometimes one person is just a lot more forward about this kind of thing. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but what if you tried initiating each time you feel like having sex, at least for a while as an experiment– maybe he’ll be receptive to that and that will fix at least the frequency problem?

That being said, having such apparently different sex drives is VERY frustrating, and I can understand how him not initiating is probably hard on your self-esteem. 🙁

Do you know if he is actually happy with having sex only 2-3 times a month? Maybe he has a lower sex drive than you do?

Or as

@spiffanee:  said, there might be other things going on. I think the questions she suggested you find out the answers to are important, and it would be good to find those things out.

What if it turns out he has low testosterone? It seems like that is an incredibly common problem, and it might really help if he were to get that checked out. Would a Dr. visit for that be an option?

Post # 14
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, my husband wishes I had your sex drive! Basically we are your situation reversed. 

I do think this is partly just the way people are built. Sex can be a pretty high energy activity, ESP for the guy, so being tired or out of shape can be a big factor. Is your husband in good physical shape? Does he carry some extra weight? Does he have a physically active life or is it more sedentary, maybe due to a desk job? 

On your end of the equation, are you in better shape than he is? Are you more physically active? Maybe you have the energy and stamina – where it’s more of a struggle for him.

If I was you I would conduct a month long experiment.  drop the subject, do not initiate sex. Walk around in skimpy clothes in the house, or nothing, be very flirty. See how long it takes for him to finally initate sex. Maybe this might give you some insight into his desires-and natural rhythm. 

But for the long haul – take what you need and just don’t worry if you initiate it. As long as you are getting satisfaction, as often as you need it, don’t worry about how it begins – the end game is all that matters.

Post # 16
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Jamjam:  Good to hear that he heard what you were saying and initiated!

Post # 17
172 posts
Blushing bee

hmm We kinda have the same kind of thing going on over here! I am way more sexual than my SO…but not because he doesn’t love having sex. He works 6:30-5:30 everyday then we work in the field until it gets dark. He has a more physical day job than I do and when he is in the field he is usually doing the grunt work and I am on the tractor. This means that when we get inside he is WAYYY more tired than I am. He will not deny me sex if I ask, but I have also learned to spot when he is too tired and I wont even try. Plus when he is super tired he doesn’t last long enough for me to orgasm…and then he is tired AND bummed out and talking about how he sucks at sex (which he DOESN’T at all-he just looses confidence when he is tired and not into it). For me it has come down to reading his signals and knowing when it will be good.

Usually rainy days and weekends are the perfect recipe for a good bang! (and today is a rainy saturday! SCORE!)

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