Couldn't afford my best friend's wedding now she hates me.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

jandsherrell:  What  kind of friend would treat you like that when you were honest enough to tell her that you were having financial difficulty?

How much notice did you give her? How far away is her wedding?

Post # 3
2248 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

Do you really want to get back in touch her with the way she is treating based on your delicate situation?

If you do, I would probably lay low for a while & then try to get in contact with her with small talk.  If she takes to that, then I would apologize for not being able to attend her wedding & drop it/move on!

Post # 4
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry. The way she’s treating you is terrible. I agree with PPs: are you certain this is a relationship you want to rekindle? Is it a case of soon-to-be-much-regretted “bride brain” or has your friend been hiding this part of herself all along? If it’s the former, let it go for a little while. Lie low and she should realize her mistake soon enough.


I wish brides would read this thread before launching into the “But it’s ONLY $300 for the dress and $150 for the shower and the plane tickets and the gold-encrusted shoes and and and and why won’t people think about ME for a change?? Can I univite/unfriend/hate forever someone whose budget I don’t agree with??” stuff. Freezing someone out over dumb budget disputes has real, long-term consequences. (Not referring to any particular person, but I notice it a lot on here and other sites.)


Anyway OP, many hugs, and bless you for helping out your troubled teen niece. Sometimes kids with awful parents get so overwhelmed they can’t help but to cope through acting out – they’ve never seen anything else modeled before except chaos. I hope she grows with your love.

Post # 5
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m sorry you’re being treated this way.  She dosen’t sound like much of friend.  As the saying goes – when times are difficult you find out who your friends are.  You did a wonderful thing taking in your neice when she need someone.  What wonderful people you and your husband must be!

You may have invested a lot of time with this woman but I think you may need to reevaluate this realtionship.  I had a friend years ago that I was friends with since grade 1.  We were friends and stayed in touch until we were in our 20’s.  I had always been there for her.  Never forgetting her birthday, x-mas, her sons birth, etc… When she never aknowledged any of this for me.  At one point I was going through a rough time and really needed someone.  I thought she would be there for me and she wasn’t.  I was really hurt and angry.  As painful as it was I saw how one sided our “friendship” was.  I just gave, gave, gave, and she took, took, took.  I never said anything to her I just stopped contacting her.  That was it.  She has never once tried to contact me afterwards!

I’m getting married in 2 weeks and one of my best friends and BM’s has been really struggling $$$.  She is a close friend and I couldn’t imagine he not being in my wedding party.  My FI and I told her not to worry about it.  We paid for her dress, shoes, make-up, hair, and some of the travel expenses.  That’s how people treat their friends.  You were honest with her and you only have so much money.  That’s Life!  Unless she comes around at some point and apologizes…otherwise I wouldn’t contact her.  Don’t let her make you feel guilty about this you haven’t done anything wrong.  Good Luck.

Post # 6
145 posts
Blushing bee

Hey, I have been engaged twice. For engagement one, I had my mom make the bridesmaid dresses for the girls for free (the dress was their gift) and for this current one I bought the dresses and flower girl dresses for everyone. Same with my quinceanera (Sweet 15) Why? Because I didn’t want money to be an issue with people who wanted to stand in the wedding/Quince. Anybody who makes you feel like you have to blow cash on her wedding or lose their freindship is not worth being friends with.

Post # 7
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am so sorry! I am kinda going through the same thing except it is not financial, just other family reasons. I wish people would be more understanding of their “friends” situations. Hopefully they just have “bride brain” (guess that makes you an uncaring person) but it really doesn’t seem like thats the only thing. Good luck!

Post # 8
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

jandsherrell:  I can understand her being really disappointed, but she is acting very selfish. Everyone’s life and finances don’t revolve around her wedding, sorry. She should be more understanding, especially since she lives 8 hours away! 

Post # 9
5194 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

If your friend can’t look past her disappointment and understand that you’re struggling now, her friendship is not worth keeping.  I can understand her not being happy, but to stop talking to you, adding more pressure on top of what you already have, is beyond selfish.  I hope your family situation gets better; you deserve it.

Post # 10
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m def going to go against the grain here.  6 months ago you made a promise to your friend.  You did no budgeting or saving the whole time eventhough you knew about the monetary obligations? Like 1.5 months out and you didn’t buy your dress or a FG dress?  You obviously knew for longer that this was not going to happen.

I’d be really really hurt as well.  You knew money was tight but you went ahead and made promises anyway.  

With that short notice she can’t replace a flower girl, ring bearer, BM and GM!  That’s insane.  She just lost 4 key members of her BP, not to mention it is her supposed BFF.  

Just becasue you’re poor at budgeting does not mean that your friend has nothing to be pissed about.

I donno how you destroy your BFF’s BP and then remain BFFs well in short you prob don’t.

Post # 11
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry your friend is treating you that way 🙁

My very best friend lives in Florida and I live in Colorado and when I asked her to be my MOH I made it very clear I would COMPLETELY understand if she was unable to make it because I know the trip would not be cheap. I am so grateful that she is able to make it, but if she were to tell me she couldn’t for whatever reason I would never be mad at her for it!! I would be alsad of course cuz I would love for her to be there, but a real friend should understand your situation. I feel like u were honest and did all you could have done. At this point it seems like it is up to her to get over it and stop being a shit friend to u.

Idk if it’s an option for u, but would it be possible to just go on ur own if that would save money? 

Post # 12
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Atalanta:  the OP did not “destroy” her BFF’s bridal party. That’s entirely too dramatic. The wedding can and will go on without her and the bridal party has not been wiped off the face of the planet. The OP had no reason to believe that she would be a sudden foster mother to a teenage girl when she accepted the invite to join the bridal party. That’s extenuating and unusual circumstances, and any bride who can’t see that and accept that sometimes shit happens, well, that bride is a selfish twat.

Post # 13
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

jandsherrell:  I’m so sorry that your friend is treating you that way. Extenuating circumstances aside, that is still a big financial commitment to ask of a family. She is asking you to pay for travel expenses, possibly a hotel, bridesmaid dress, suit rental, flower girl dress, and ring bearer outfit. And that’s not even including a gift or pre-wedding events! 

I really think that brides need to be more aware of the financial commitment they are asking of their wedding party, especially if they are asking more than one person from the same family.

Post # 14
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Horseradish:  Did I say the wedding won’t go on?  Of course it will.  But sorry BP is essencially destroyed.  What does a BP consist of? BM, GM, FG, and Ring bearer.  One of each from each category gone.  How is it not destroyed?

The OP had no reason to believe that she would be a sudden foster mother to a teenage girl when she accepted the invite to join the bridal party.<br /><br />I did misread the post, I don’t know how much time there is to the wedding, but OP clearly said that: The time got closer and closer meaning she obviously sat on the fact that she couldn’t afford the wedding but waited to tell her friend.

Post # 15
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel for the bride, which makes me a horrible person i’m sure to all the bees. 🙂  I’d try to move heaven and earth to attend the wedding if I had accepted a BM position.  I am sure you tried your best OP!  I hope it was communicated how terrible it would be to miss her special day for you and how much you love her anyway.

Just some words of advice – I hate that it’s done but it’s done by EVERYONE and people who claim otherwise tend to be lying.  When you claim financial difficulties to back out of an obligation, people tend to notice if you are spending money in other ways.  If you post/talk about going out, going on vacations, buying a ton of clothes, etc from here to the wedding understand that it’s going to hurt her feelings and look like you’re chosing to spend your money that way other than her wedding.  Spend your money however you want of course, if you don’t want to spend it on the wedding DON’T!  but know if you are chosing instead of literally not being able to afford it, it’s going to hurt bride’s feelings, justifiably. 

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