Post # 1
Going to try to do a quick recap of the situation: My FI’s mother hates me, for a number of stupid petty reasons. She’s frequently rude, I tolerated it for years- tried to kill her with kindness. I think she has social anxiety and she drinks quite a bit. She and my FI have only seen each other twice in two years, both was in the last 6 months as an attempt to repair the relationship. I haven’t seen her in two years.
The last time they met she said she has started going to counseling- which is good. But she has only been going for a month. I don’t think its long enough to have helped yet. She wants my FI and me to go “with” her & her husband. The with is in quotes because we live 2 hours apart- so maybe it would be on the phone.
Also the last time she met with my FI she asked if he was really happy. Told him I was manipulating him. And I’m supposedly using his groomsmen to manipulate him too. She’s decided this, because he met two of his groomsmen 6 years ago, through me. Never mind the fact that they are all great friends and go out doing “manly” things without little ole me all the time- they have guy camping trips and have loads of fun together. Of course she doesn’t know that because she never talks to my FI about his life, but its still rude to even imply he doesn’t have real friends just puppets that are really friends with me 😛 That’s crazy.
So you can see she’s really not over anything by her attitude. Its probably just because we are getting married and she’s not queen bee anymore. She is coming to the wedding but for awhile we weren’t sure she would be or that she would be invited. My plan for the wedding is to AVOID her. Honestly I wanted that to be the plan for the rest of her life… just avoid her.
We plan on trying to get pregnant shortly after getting married. She’s a mean woman and her values are completely different from my own. Honestly I don’t want to try to make this better- I’ve given up. I tried for years to get this woman to like me, and now I’m kind of over this nonsense. I don’t want her around my kids. I wanted to work this out when we had YEARS to work on it BEFORE kids… not less than 4 months till the wedding/kids. But FI wants to give it another try…
Has anyone tried counseling over the phone? Has anyone tried counseling with a mess of people in the room when it seems the problem is only between two people? Concerned we won’t be able to work anything out anyway because her husband will be there. Can’t be honest to her with her husband there because it will ruin my relationship with him. Not that it’s a great one but it would have been fine if not for her throwing a fit over stupid petty things. She won’t meet with me one-on-one. She wants at a min both my FI and her husband there… sometimes she wants her other son who lives in another country there 😛 But at this point she is requesting concelor, FI and husband.
Post # 3
If shes serious about the counseling, the thing to remember is that its not necessarily about fixing your relationship with her. Its about her counselor helping her achieve the goals that they have set up together. This could easily be more about giving the counselor information he or she needs to help FMIL then about fixing what is between you and her. Because she is such close family, it might not be a bad idea to try one session, but I would be honest with her and the counselor at that session- tell them you are unsure about participating, are willing to try but cannot promise to return until you see how things go.
I’m a big believer that in your life, you need to pick and choose you who spend time with and make sure that your relationships are positive things. Being that she is family I would avoid doing anything deliberatly hurtful to her, but I think you are perfectly justified in limiting your interactions with her. If she really wants to mend things between the two of you, hopefully she will be willing to work with you on small steps showing how she has changed until you have a relationship that works for both of you.
Post # 4
@nikkialys: +1 on the counseling. The counselor will do what is best for the client as well as what the client thinks is best for them. That means bringing in more ppl if need be, those that are in her life currently or those she may want to mend relationships with, and it could be best to start with her sons and husband. Counseling over technology is something that is happening more often. However, is skype something that can be done?
Post # 5
Found out that FMIL has NOT been going to counseling for this particular issue. Sounds like she’s been going awhile (months, years? dunno) and his father didn’t want to disclose what the counseling was for… but if I had to guess I’d say anxiety.
So they JUST found a family counselor, because my FI said it would be fine. They hadn’t even gone to ONE session yet. Grrrr. I hate getting information all backwards.
Well they wanted my FI to participate by phone – but he said no because it was during the workweek during business hours – when he should be WORKING. Sometimes I don’t think these people THINK at all.
Anyway, FFIL and FMIL did go for their very FIRST session of family counseling. His father thought it was helpful but didn’t say much about it to my FI. The counselor wants to speak with JUST me and my FI to get our perspective. Which I am sooooooo ok with. Hopefully we will do it sometime next week. And I assume she will just want to speak to FMIL for awhile to work out whats going on in her head. But I’ll be sure to clarrify that with the counselor.
This seems a lot more reasonable to me.
As far as skype goes… we have accounts and cameras, but I don’t know that the counselor is set up for it.
Unfortunately I’m getting all info through what FFIL tells my FI who then tells me. Those two are nto the best talkers so I’m limited on my info.