Post # 1
I was contacted today by my pastor to start premarital counseling. He wanted to know my mailing address and if I was living with my Fiance, which I am. I belong to a relaxed church but I am wondering how this is going to play out when we meet with him.
Have any advice based on your experiences with counseling when your pastor knows you are living together? Is it going to get awkward?
Post # 3
Ive wondered the same thing, except I’ve never changed my mailing address! Always kept it my parents. I say go in honestly, because whats the use in doing this if your going to start off by “fibbing”. I think if anything your Pastor will discuss this with you and maybe ask what hardships “living together” has caused your relationship with your Fiance and with God. And maybe something like what you’ve learned from going through path in your life! I mean God does forgive! And look you are marrying him! =)
Again sorry for not having personal experience. But I know it can be hard. BEST OF LUCK!
Post # 4
Oh he knows we are living together, I don’t plan on lying at all. I’m just wondering how he might react when we go in for counseling.
Post # 5
@Pupperoni: oh! my apologies! Well if he already *knows* then he’s obviously more than willing to work with you both, I’d be more worried about the rejection of a pastor due to already living together out of wedlock! =) I hope some ladies are able to give us BOTH some advice in what to expect!
Post # 6
I can’t say how he will react but I can say I’m sure you’ll be fine and it won’t be nearly as bad as you think.
I’m catholic and my husband and I lived together after becoming engaged—big big catholic no-no!–and we told our priest and made it through 😛 🙂
It’ll be okay–promise!
Post # 7
Our pastor/church has a strict policy that he will not marry a couple that is living together. Everyone is well aware of the policy. They would expect for one person to move out in order for our pastor to marry us. Does your church have an official policy like ours?
My Fiance and I live together and we were aware of the policy so we never asked our pastor to marry us. Another pastor is marrying us. We told the other pastor that we were living together and he agreed to marry us but requested that we abstain until our wedding night. The actual sin/problem isn’t living together. It’s premarital sex. We weren’t expecting to hear that at our first counseling session but we agreed.
Post # 8
I don’t think anyone can comment on your pasters reaction. but knowing if your leaving together or not will affect what you guys talk about. I did group counciling, but the presentors talked about how even if you live together, marriage changes people’s expectations regarding family, kids, etc. There is no point in your paster talking about the challengings of moving in together if you already have. the more information he has, the more relevant the discussions should be.
lots and lots of christians live together before marriage and pasters and priests are aware of this
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2011 - St. Joseph's Parish, Seattle Tennis Club
It may depend on your faith, so take this with a grain of salt. I am Catholic, and live with my Fiance. The deacon who went through our marriage prep with us brought this up with us, and just discussed it, along the lines of how it will affect our relationship. He said it might be good to take time apart, just to think about why we are getting married, what will change, since we already live together. Why get married if we are already cohabiting? Those sorts of questions/discussion. Also, on the FOCCUS test that we took, there was a separate section for cohabiting couples.
Post # 10
A friend of mine went through the same situation. The compromise was that one of them had to move out during the counseling phase until after the wedding. It wasn’t really a problem for them since they both had family in the area. My friend just ended up moving home to her parents for 5-6 months.
Post # 11
We’re living together and we were just up front with our pastor about it. The only time it’s made a difference in the counseling is when he’s been talking about how it’s going to be an adjustment living together after we get married and he realizes what he’s saying. He usually just corrects himself and goes on with it. It hasn’t been awkward for us at all! Good luck!
Post # 12
I’m definitely not aware of a Do not live together policy and I’m sure that would have been brought to my attention when I was discussing the possibility of having my wedding at the church. We live together primarily for financial reasons, I could not afford my own place anymore and it was a recent move since I’m trying to establish connections in my Fi’s town for a job.
Post # 13
Our church is strongly against cohabitation. The common idea is if you are living together then sex is taking place. What seems to be overlooked is many couples who don’t live together are having sex.
Post # 14
No one I know seems to believe that. Well believe it people. If two people decide to live together and not have sex, it can happen, no matter what you think.
Post # 15
@2ndtime: That policy seems so focused on appearance rather than reality. I mean, I understand if they disapprove of couples living together, but expecting one to move out for a few months after the moving-in has already taken place? Seems like they care more about how it looks to others than about dealing with your situation and “correcting” it (in their view) as soon as possible.
We went to our pre-marital couples retreat a few weeks ago, and more than half of the couples were already living together. Everyone knew that’s not what the church wants, but there was no judgment, just discussion of how their relationships would change after marriage even if they were already living together. That seemed like a healthier way of dealing with cohabitation.
Post # 16
this thread is making me said because my minister originally was ok with it, although he admitted it was not ideal. Now he says he wants one of us to sleep somewhere else for the rest of the engagement. My hear broke into a million pieces.