Post # 1
My husband and I have only been married for 3 months (together for 5 years) and are already struggling with understanding each other. We’ve had some issues in our relationship that I didn’t consider major (obviously since I still married him), until here recently within the last month I’ve realized it’s gotten worse and I definitely don’t want to deal with it for the rest of my life. I’ve talked to him about it, and although he’d rather not go to therapy (in his words, “we can fix our own problems”), he’s ok with going if it’ll help us out in the long run. We both love each other endlessly and just want to be happy together!
My question is, have any of you bees been to couples therapy before to help you sort out issues and your marriage? If so, would you recommend therapy/counseling? Did you notice any positive changes afterward?
Post # 3
We went to marriage counseling after 6 months of marriage. We’d been together for two years before we got married. There wasn’t a huge, relationship threatening issue that lead us to couseling so much as a bunch of little things adding that we needed to get though. Our relationship has been through a lot of unusual challenges in a short period of time.
I highly recommend it. We learned how to fight fair and to actually communicate with each other in a manner in which we both understood. I’m a big proponent of therapy. So long as both of you are willing to go and implement the suggestions of the therapist, it can be very beneficial.
Post # 4
We just passed our first anniversary and we started going to counseling a few months ago when an issue arose that we just couldn’t get past. I have asked him to go to counseling with me multiple times and was always told no. I have always felt that we would benefit from it and become better communicators if we went. This time it wasn’t an option for me it was mandatory. There are some conversations that are difficult and some that are good but every one of them is WELL worth it. We truly have overcome some of our major hurdles. One of the biggest, not being a “we” and not realizing it. I have also learned a lot about my husband when I thought I knew everything about him and why he does the annoying things he does. It has been eye opening to say the least. I also believe that any chance we have to become better human beings we should take! Definitely do it!
Post # 5
We did premarital counseling which was required to get married in our faith…it was helful in identifying problem areas….coming to agreements on certain things. I can definetly understand where you are coming from that there may be certain things that you need to get to the bottom of sooner or later…before they fester and get worse. Solving your problems on your own would be great if it was always feasible…there are some subjects that are just too hard to talk about, someone always gets angry and storms off, or worse, they shut down on you…argg! Having someone there, guideing how the information comes out, getting you both to see it from different persectives in an enviorment that doesn’t feel as threatenening….it can help big time. I’d just have the frank coversation that hey…I can’t live with This and That and the way we are handling This and That, we can’t keep ignoring it…we need to go work it out.
for betta or for worse!
Post # 6
@MrsPaulsBabyBallerina: Thanks for your response, it was very helpful because I feel like I’m in the same boat. Nothing majorly problematic, just a bunch of little things that add up, and when they become a habit and happens daily, it can start plaguing a relationship! Glad you and your husband benefited from it!
@MsJ2theZ: Thank you for the response. Us, too, have an issue we can’t get past that happened in the first year of us dating, and I seem to always bring it up in the present. I know it’s not right, but for some reason I can’t control myself and I feel like I would even benefit from individual therapy! It’s good to hear that you and your husband had a positive experience; it makes me hopeful that my husband and I will, too.
@fresitachulita: I definitely agree with you on that! I think if we got a professional’s perspective on things, we could work out our problems easier because we are both very stubborn and have a hard time seeing each other’s points of view sometimes. Us, too, had premarital counseling to get married in the Catholic faith, but it wasn’t very organized, so I don’t think my husband took it very seriously :/
Post # 7
@MrsCamaro: We have been going to couples therapy and it’s really helpful. We haven’t been going as much the last two months b/c things are pretty good adn also we’re busy. It’s helped us learn to communicate better. I think we both were decent communicators, but have gotten better with therapy and learned more about how each other communicate best. It’s also given us a better understanding of the other person. Therapy is not for everyone, but I think damn near everyone I know either could benefit from it or currently does. It may sound silly, but the most recent positive outcome was my partner doing more around the house! I was feeling like I was doing it all (b/c I was doing about 95% of it….), and our counselor really helped. The counselor helped me not stress as much and ask for help, and helped my partner realize that hey, he has the ability to put away dishes!
Post # 8
@MsLobizon: Wow that’s awesome! I would consider myself an excellent communicator and my husband a less-than-average one (which he admits to) lol. Your partner helping with housework is a GREAT outcome; that is one of the problems we currently argue about also. I’m pretty much convinced that we gotta go to help out our marriage!
Post # 9
@MrsCamaro: The housework thing was just bothering me a ton, especially after one day my partner said “I do stuff around the house” – and I said, okay, WHAT? It made me feel like  he felt he did stuff and  didn’t recognize how much I did. He was like , “Um … I made dinner a few weeks ago and two weeks ago loaded the dishwasher” hahahahah. Part of the issue was also that he complained about certain things not being done around our house – mind you, he always had clean work clothes and our house wasn’t dirty just messy.
Our couples counseling also helped us learn that my partner has ADHD. I also go to individual counseling, which is very helpful. But yeah, my partner has learned (and is still working on) not being such a people pleaser. Sometimes he’ll do stuff that isn’t keeping his best interest in mind to please everyone around him. Now he’s better at telling me how he really feels. I think it’s making him happier as a person, and us happier as a couple.
Sorry for the novel. But do know that you may need to try more than one counseler. The place we go is really great – they have their staff bios online, but also you fill out a survey and they try to “match” you up (both the one I picked and the one that we liked are our counselors).
Post # 10
We did pre-marital counselling before getting married, and we came away with lots of tools for communicating, fighting fair, etc. I’d say it was pretty helpful because even now we refer back to those things (mentally, that is) in everyday life. Makes marriage really enjoyabe and relaxed! I’d recommend counselling to anyone in a marriage, even if things are good, because it’s always helpful to get a refresher course on those kinds of things.
Post # 11
@MrsCamaro: Yes! My FI and I just went to our first session after being together for 5 years. He goes to therapy on a regular basis for his depression. He doesn’t want to be on meds so he goes to therapy. I didn’t think we needed it, but we’ve been fighting a lot lately so I went with an open mind and came out feeling very enlightened and feeling like I had a different perspective about life and my fiance. It was very eye opening and I think your husband should be more open minded about it. I was against it a few months ago, but I feel differently about it after going. I think that he should go to one session before he makes any judgments about therapy.
Post # 12
@MrsCamaro: We did premarital counseling, and I loved it. We only had to do 3 sessions but we did all 5. We have always had stellar communication but we ended up talking about boundaries and family mostly.
I think men generally don’t like or want to go to counseling becuase it makes them feel like they failed. They are also so used to seeing the counselor taking the women’s side in movies that I think it puts them off. They think they will just agree with the woman rather than be unbiased, which is not the case.
Post # 13
@MrsCamaro: I think it really depends on what these issues are.
Issues like one is abusive and refuses to see the problem and stop it – well that stuff cannot be fixed. Stuff that is also part of the other person’s very core being – that cannot be fixed unless they want to fix it.
Issues like not feeling connected or communicating – those can be fixed.
I did know a couple who were ready to break up after 15 years together. Theirs was a communication issue. They have never felt stronger. To me, after dealing with bigger fish, I was thinking that is peanuts – and that almost broke you up!?
I was married before and we had the serious issues. I sought out counseling and those issues don’t get fixed so I divorced him. I did most of the counseling alone, which you can do still.