(Closed) couples with big age gaps.. do you worry about aging?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

@hollysprig:  You never know what the future brings. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they will necessarily die first. Don’t worry about this so much bc honestly, you can’t do much about it besides dumping him and finding a younger person for the off chance that it may make a difference. 10 yrs later on in life is not as big of a difference as you think.

Post # 4
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

🙁 *hugs*

 

My FI is 9 years older and sometimes those thoughts get to me, too.  I hate thinking that I’ll possibly spend so many years of my life after marrying him alone, etc.  I get really emotional and upset over it and FI will usually try and joke me out of it “oh, so I’m kicking off first, eh?”  Silly but he’s trying to make me not think of the morbid and just have us enjoy the time we do get.  No one’s time is guaranteed, no matter what the ages or age gaps (or lack therof).

 

More hugs because I totally understand this!!

 

Post # 5
Member
5773 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think its irrational at all. Men tend to have shorter lifespans, add in that my DH is 7 years older than me and has high cholesterol and I fully expect to outlive him by 15+ years. There’s nothing I can really do about it (other than make him go to the doctor regularly) so I just focus on enjoying the time we have. I could be in a debilitating car accident tomorrow and he could have to care for me for decades. I just don’t tend to worry about things that I have no power to change.

 

Post # 6
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My husband is only 5 years older than me and I worry all the time. He doesn’t take great care of himself and his job is pretty laborous. I know we’ll probably have much much more time together, but the thought of him dying YEARS before I do makes me really, really sad.

Unfortunately there’s nothing we can really do but try and take care of them/encourage them to take care of themselves as best as we can. =/ 

Post # 7
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

My boyfriend ist 8 1/2 years older…I am calling him my old man to tease him. I sometimes worry about having kids, cause he will be an old(er) father, but apart from that, I don’t really think about the age gap. My grand-ma and grand-pa were 20 years apart. He died at the age of 93 in the ninetees and my grand-ma will celebrate her 90th birthday this year. Until now she lived nearly 20 years without him. She clearly misses him, but had a fun-filled live after he died. My other grand-pa died just 2 years ago, and my grand-ma is now doing all the travels she couldn’t do with him anymore. She misses him deeply, but at the same time, she is now doing things she never thought she’d do again. I think, women are a lot stronger than they believe they are. I wouldn’t worry about it too much just the now but enjoy your life with your FI. 

Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yes, my husband is 18 years older than I am and it freaks me out every now and then. He reminds me that I could also die before him and we just have to live in today. He is right, I jump ahead of myself instead of enjoying the time that we do have together.

Post # 9
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You’re not alone. I worry about the same thing 14 year difference. It’s inevitable to worry. Just try to remember that when you’re preoccupied with these thoughts you’re missing out on the present. Don’t let time and age steal the present from you. Wink

Post # 10
Hostess
11335 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hollysprig: As PPs have said, I understand where you’re coming from but you don’t know what  life can bring. Enjoy your life together and don’t worry about things that are out of your control as @LGenz: said.

*Hugs*

Post # 12
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@hollysprig:  My FI is also 10 yrs older than me, 28 and 38. I think about that as well, but my main concern now is us having kids. I don’t want him being an older dad. Even tho he will already be. But it worries me if we have kids any later, he won’t be able to be around for our grandchildren. His dad is dying, 70 and his mom is 75. So it does scare me that his father is younger than his mom, but is terminally ill. And his mom is fairly healthy for her age. So you just never know. 

Post # 13
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@hollysprig:  Yup, join the club. SO is 14 years older than me. When I start thinking the morbid thoughts, I think to myself I might be hit by a bus tomorrow and that strangely helps 😛

On a serious note, you never know how life will work. Like you could marry a younger guy and he might die of cancer at age 35. Like you just never know, right?

It definitely is a concern for me… but what can you do? You don’t exactly choose who you fall in love with.

Post # 14
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @hollysprig: Honestly, I think you have very valid concerns…

As someone who is BOTH in this situation myself (10 year gap between Mr TTR & Myself) AND being Older (I am over 50) … I can say that there can be issues, but for the most part they only befall the couple as they age.

So if you are young, then 10 years apart isn’t a big deal… I think 10 years starting when the youngest is 25 and the oldest 35 doesn’t matter a whole lot (not so keen on 20 to 30, or more than a 12 year gap… but that is a whole other topic)

25 & 35 – 30 & 40 – 35 & 45 – 40 & 50…  Almost no issues at all.

45 & 55 – 50 & 60 – 55 & 65 – 60 & 70… Moderate issues.

65 & 75 – 70 & 80 – 75 & 85 – 80 & 90 and Beyond… Greater issues for sure.

Before Middle Age there are virtually NO ISSUES at all.

But after 50 things begin to change… lol, as what I call “the Warranty” on one’s health comes to an end.

Once I hit 50 it became quite apparent to me that not only was my own health not to be something taken for granted, but that more and more of my friends and family members (same age or older) were facing issues.  It was the timeframe when I began to lose a lot of folks to illness… Heart Attacks, Cancer, etc.

Very depressing !! **

So between general health issues (including Menopause for Women, Erectile Dysfunction for Men, Diabetes, Heart Issues, etc) … and death the years from 50 to 70 have a moderate chance of being hap-hazard

After 70 there are certainly a larger amount of issues… and anyone who goes onto live after 80 is truly living on “gravy” IMO.  As there are no guarantees at that point in time.

The truth is Women outlive Men generally by 5 to 10 years… so if you are the younger one in the mix, even if you are both in excellent health, chances are in the end you’ll end up without your Hubby.  Sad but true.

My Best Advice as someone who faces this as a possibility every day (I am in my mid 50s, and Mr TTR is in his mid 60s) is don’t take the situation for granted… live every day like it is important.  Love each other for sure, but most importantly BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER.  We both make a concerted effort in our relationship to be polite to one another, and say THANK YOU a lot.  And we NEVER leave without kissing one another good-bye… and usually kiss each other hello as well.

Hope this helps,

PS… Of course make sure you have all your paperwork in order as well… Wills, Insurances etc.  Definitely stuff that EVERY COUPLE should do, but waaay more important IMO when there is an age gap.

** They say the BEST Chance of living a long life is WHAT you do NOW while you are younger.  So invest in your health for later.  (As well, I’ve read that the crucial time is when one is in their 40s… if you haven’t lived the “purest” of existance in your 20s & 30s your body can be young enough to forgive such sins… but by the 40s one body is a lot less forgiving.  Too many excesses in ones 40s, and the years at the upper end will be foreshortened for sure)

 

Post # 15
Member
2381 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My parents have a 15 year age difference.  Mom is 68 and Dad is 83.  It doesn’t matter when you’re young.  It does matter when you’re older.  I can tell you they wouldn’t change a thing, and they’d absolutely do it all over again.  But romantic notions aside, it’s hard to enjoy a vacation when you’re 60 and still spry, wanting to walk through Paris again and your partner is 75, arthritic and has trouble with the stairs.  It’s frustrating when you’re mentally 100% sharp and your partner is slowly descending into dementia. It’s challenging when your partner falls, and you’re too small to help him up.  These things happen.  It’s likely that you’ll experience one or more of these, along with plenty of other difficulties.  Such is life.

There ARE things you can do to make it easier when you’re older.  Have a plan that you discuss well before you’re retired.  When he’s unable to care for himself, do you want to move into assisted living together or would you prefer to visit?  It’s not easy to be the only one with full faculties in a home.   If there’s someplace you’ve dreamed of visiting for vacation, but he’s not physically up to it anymore, is he ok with you going with your girlfriends or maybe your future children instead?  Or would you rather find an alternative?  Start learning how to talk about these things early, and you’ll find your fear being lessened.

Post # 16
Member
2518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

FI & I are 15 years apart and I do worry about this occasionally. It got worse after he hit the big 4-0 a few years back. His dad died fairly early (in his 50’s) from complications relating to diabetes so what really gets to me is how close he is to the age his dad died. Then I get reminded of my Great Grandmother who outlived 3 husbands before she finally passed at home with her 4th. I know she had alot of love from each of her hubby’s before they passed, & I know it was a happy life for her. I just can’t help but think to myself how hard it must be to have all that love & happiness without the one person you want to share it with. But I second what PP’s have said- alot of us ladies are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, I just don’t want to have to be that kind of strong. 

I will say that thinking and talking about this with FI has helped us both alot. I don’t nag him or anything, but I do mention it occasionally. If he tries to back out of a dr’s appt just bc he doesn’t want to go, if he decides not to go running with the dog & nap on the sofa instead. It does become a little bit of a joke between us, but now that he knows it is a concern I don’t take lightly he tries a little harder to make healthier choices. On my side I was surprised at the change it brought in me as well. I never really wanted kids, even when we got serious I thought it was maybe something we could talk about. Then the age gap re: death hit me and I started thinking about all of the above. I thought about if he were to pass before me, would I want a child that reminded me of him daily or would that be too painful? Surprisingly my answer was yes, If god forbid, I can’t have him, I want that little piece of him to remind me of us, no matter painful it might be. 

 

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