Post # 1
I was chatting with a friend about couples where one person has a greater need to be social. For example – her desire to go out on a weekly basis would be 5x’s a week – where his desire would be 1x a week.
We were theorizing what a compromise would be. We both thought it would be 3x’s a week. But, surprisingly, she was saying the feedback she’s received (from counseling) is that the lowest need should be met – meaning, she should change to 1x a week.
We also both know situations where the male is the more extroverted and the female has risen to meet that expectation. That made it seem almost sexist (where the female should change to make the male happy).
She said she’s had several counselors give her the same opinion (about her meeting his need and not vice versa).
So – I’m curious – hive – what do you think? or, what advice have you been given on this subject? I would think a compromise would be meeting in the middle – not just meeting the lowest common factor.
Post # 3
She could go out more and just leave him at home?
Post # 4
@mrbee: this is true and SHE would be fine with it – but he isn’t happy with that. He wants to be with her – just not out and about and doesn’t like the idea of her going out without him.
Post # 5
That is tough. I think that she should find something to “go out” doing that doesn’t threaten him (maybe a movie or a constructive club or shopping if drinking is the problem that threatens him). Sounds like a deeper issue- why doesn’t he want her going out? If he doesn’t want to come and he is invited, the woman staying home would not lead to a happy couple, IMO. I think a compromise of her doing maybe different types of activities or something should be reached- but staying home for the man (or the man for the woman) would not make the social person happy, and would not lead to a happy couple (is what I think).
Post # 6
If he wants to hang out with her and she’s doing stuff, my opinion is that he can either come along or stay home. Sometimes people have to do their own things in order for their needs to be met. Why doesn’t he like her going out without him?
Post # 7
What age are we talking? I think it may depend on that a bit. If your 23 my answer would probably be different vs. 27 vs 32 etc.
Also, by go out are we talking club, bar, movie, dinner out?
Post # 8
I don’t get it. I don’t see how that is a compromise. She meets “his need” of only 1x per week, he’s happy and she’s unhappy. How does that help? If I wanted to go out 5x a week and my husband only wanted to go out 1x per week, I would compromise with 2-3x per week. Otherwise, I’d go out with friends on my own. He isn’t happy she wants to go out without him, but yet he won’t go with her? Not good at all.
Post # 9
@KLP2010: she’s late 30’s, he just turned 40. By going out – it’s more social time with friends (regardless of the activity) vs. going out just to go out.
Post # 10
I think what floors me is the response from the counselors – it just doesn’t seem logical to me and I wanted to find out if anyone in a similar boat has had that type of feedback.
Post # 11
I think a compromise would be for the more extrovert to go out by themselves/with friends if they are more social. There is no reason why one partner can’t go out without the other.
I think both people should be ok with their partner going out alone (or with friends, but without them), and you be able to enjoy yourself without your partner there 24/7.
Post # 12
This descibes me and my FI perfectly. I am an extravert, and he is an introvert. I’d go out every night if I could and he is very much a homebody. I like to think that we balance each other out. I pull him out of his shell and he keeps me grounded. We have a “date” night once a week where we go out. On the weekend during the day we usually do something else, like go to a park or a museum or visit friends. I belong to a writers group and we meet once a week and that gives us one evening apart, and its good for both of us. I get to socialize and he has the tv all to himself for a night and can ESPN to his hearts content. I think we have come to a pretty good agreement and it works for us.
Post # 13
I think each person can have their own need met, he go out 1x a week and her however often she feels right for her. For him to say she can’t go out without him is controlling and weird.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
My husband and I are like this: he is very social, and I am much less social. I probably feel like I *need* to get out… once a week or less. Maybe 2x in 3 weeks? Mr. S, on the other hand, goes out several times a week with friends. The compromise is we go out together sometimes, I go out with my friends rarely, and he goes out with his friends often.
The therapist may be right that the lower expectation/need prevails (and they go out together 1x per week), but I think the therapist may be wrong if he/she is saying that the more extroverted partner should just ignore her need to go out more often if he doesn’t want her to go out without him. That’s not a compromise, is it? 🙂
Post # 15
Perhaps this study isn’t including the option of going out alone?
By saying the social person should take the side of the less social (in this case go out once a week) does this mean once a week together? Or once a week total?
Post # 16
i’m very social, my husband is very not social. if he doesn’t want to go somewhere with me, he usally just stays at home and does his thing, or use the oppurtunity to hit the gym.