Post # 1
Hey bees I’ve been lurking for a while since I started thinking about a wedding. My boyfriend has a ring picked out and he was waiting to get my dad’s blessing to propose but now that its never happening I am expecting a proposal on Vday or my Bday (also in Feb).
When he told me he had a ring picked out and was getting already, I was soo excited and threw myself into wedding planning. I knew I was never going to have a huge fairytale wedding but I thought we could still pull off something elegant with a lot of DIY and limiting our guest list to about 75. I had it all planned out and I was so excited but I feel like the only choice I have is to just go to the courthouse on a random day and sign the papers there because my dad hates my boyfriend as in threatened to kill him hate him.
Background: My family is South Asian and very traditional, even after we moved to the US. My dad is the patriach of the house and my mom never defies him. He has also been very abusive towards me growing up (physically, verbally, emotionally) and even though he stopped physically abusing me in high school he continued playing mind games and verbally abusing me. I’ve never confronted my dad, I don’t feel like I can without dissolving into tears. He continues to be abusive towards my baby brother but I am grateful that he’s not AS physically abusive towards him as he was to me. I know I don’t owe my father anything but somehow I still love him and I am grateful that he paid for some of my college education and did everything to make sure I got into medical school (despite me not wanting to be a doctor but neither of my parents would stand for that). To keep the peace, I’ve always done what my parents want but my bf is just something I refuse to budge on.
Neither of my parents really like my bf but my mom has been a lot more receptive than my dad who forbid me to see him at all. I had to hide the relationship (to keep the peace) but I finally told them again when my bf told me he had a ring. My parents reasons for hating my bf are 1) he had no bachelor’s degree when I met him and I was a college graduate about to start medical school 2) he’s 6’5″ and 300 pounds, they think he’s obese. My bf started community college a few months after meeting me and just got accepted to a nearby state school where he will be transferring this coming summer. Before me he had attended a year and a half of community college but had dropped out due to financial reasons and not knowing exactly what to go for. Now he’s working towards a computer science degree.
I don’t understand why my dad won’t accept or even be civil towards my bf now that he is actively working towards a computer science degree which is the same field both my parents are in, so it definitely has to be respectable enough. I think my parents wanted me to marry a MD or PhD but I really don’t see how a bachelor’s degree in CS isn’t good enough.
Anyways, I really want to marry my bf next summer. I’ll be 23 and he’ll be 26. I know 23 is young but I feel ready and mature enough. My bf and I have been living together half a year now and we’ve gotten along really well. I don’t think there’s any point in me planning out a wedding though if my family won’t be attending, it would just be his family/friends and my friends. I don’t want to offend my family either or sneak around. I personally feel that the best option is to just go to a courthouse and have that be it. My bf thinks we should at least throw a party for his family so that they can celebrate us but I feel that would be miserable and awkward for me. I don’t know what to do. I do know that I want to be legally married before my 4th year of medical school so that we can buy a house together during residency and he can my insurance benefits and whatnot.
I am so sorry for the long rant, I didn’t realize it would be this long. Any advice/opinions would be appreciated.
Post # 3
@CrazyCatLady13: That sucks that your father is not more accepting of your fiance. And that is terrible how your father treated you while growing up and that your younger brother now has to take your place with your father’s abusive tendencies. I think in that situation, I would have confronted my father…easier said then done. But it is unacceptable that he treats you or anyone else in that manner. But in your situation, you shouldn’t confront him but maybe talk to your mother about how you feel and voice your concerns with her about your younger brother. And I don’t think it is just your fiance, I tend to think someone like that wouldn’t like any man you were with if he didn’t meet his exact specifications and expectations. Are your close to your fiance’s family? Do they welcome you into their fold? If so, I would spend time with them and less with your parents.
It sounds like your fiance is trying very hard to improve his life, finishing college, and looking our for your well-being. It sounds to me like your parents have very high expectations of you and of anyone you are with. I would say live your life, finish medical school, have a small wedding ceremony, and have a party later where your parents will either choose to attend or not attend. It is ultimately your life, you are an adult, and it is up to your parents whether they choose to accept the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. And maybe their opinion will change once he finishes school. If you are both ready for marriage and know what you want, go for it.
Also, is there any way your FI’s family could help you guys with a wedding even if it is something small and simple? 🙂 Best wishes to you and good luck.
Post # 4
My mother is in denial that anything wrong ever happened in our house. We’re a very f**ked up family. She was abusive as well in the same way as my father but blames it all on him and refuses to admit she has anger issues as well.
I don’t think any one would satisfy my father either but my mom says the problem is that my bf is not my equal.
My fiance’s family has been wonderful completely making up for my own, but they don’t know that my family is far from normal and I just don’t want to explain it to them. I am completely embarassed by my own family.
They’ve offered to help plan the wedding but I feel like it would be such a small affair that its not even worth it. I always imagined my parents would be involved in my wedding. Dress shopping with my mom, having my father give me away, my baby brother be the ring bearer, etc…
Post # 5
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your family is very traditional and that nothing less than an MD of PhD will do but they will just have to accept it. You are living on your own and you are an adult so you can of course make your own decisions. I know it sucks that your family can’t really be involved but maybe your mom and brother will attend or can attend? You don’t want to burn bridges with your family but it may also be something like they aren’t okay with him being of a different race and just find any kind of excuse to not like him. I hope it gets better for you! Keep us updated! Maybe you can have an after party like rent out a restaurant or something like that where everyone is welcome? Or maybe even let your parents help plan?
Post # 6
There’s so much here more important than what kind of wedding you’ll have.
If your parents are as controlling and borderline abusive as you say, it’s kind of a silly fantasy on your part to think that they would suddenly turn into Happy Happy Family and would go dress shopping with you and embrace your bf.
Have a very simple wedding that you can afford. Ceremony in a park or in a free, pretty outdoor place. Buy a cake and serve punch. Invite your parents, but they are not to spend any money on this event.
This is your first Big Step as a fully functioning adult out from under their influence. You should be polite and welcoming to them at this, your inaugural event of freedom. You should expect them to be polite to your husband and his family. If they don’t behave themselves, that is unfortunate but they are not you and their poor behavior reflects on them, not you.
I definately think that you should have a wedding event (very inexpensive) to signal to your family that you are proud to be marrying this man, you are not skulking off to hide the fact that you are being married.
This is a tough thing you are doing, breaking free of your parents. I wish you well in it.
Post # 7
@CrazyCatLady13: I understand what you’re going through. My parents immigrated from Vietnam to America before I was born but with the standards they raised my siblings and I by we might as well have been in the Old Country. I have tons of friends and family members who have experienced what you are going through right now. It’s crushing to deal with the idea that you are dissappointing your parents especially considering you’ve been conditioned your whole life to strive to meet their often unrealistic expectations. My parents are the same way. There are so many things that they disapprove about my life. At first it was devastating especially considering the mind games and emotional blackmail they took part in to try to get their way. But as an adult I’ve come to realize I have to do what’s best for my DH and I. You’re an adult. It’s time to stand up to your parents. Don’t let them cheapen your wedding by making you compromise on what you envisioned for yourself. At some time, you have to cut their power over you.
Post # 8
We have a lot in common… I am also facing the inevitability of a courthouse only wedding. I really want a small intimate wedding with family and friends though. My family was abusive to me and my sisters too and they are totally f’ed up. This person hates that person and so on and so forth. As soon as I could I moved far away to another state and I have to go there with my FH after the courthouse wedding so he can meet my grandma who can’t travel and my dad. He has met the rest, loves my sisters and does not like my mom at all because of her terrible decisions as a ‘mother’. They are also poor and can’t afford to really go anywhere or help out in any way.
Also, your parents made you become a doctor!!! I hope you like it after all the hard work you are doing!!! My family was the opposit. I wanted to be a doctor since I was young ( I was in the hospital a lot as a child and felt the safest there) and they tried their damndest to talk me out of it and told me I would definitely get sued and all of that.
I am so nervous about my FH meeting and being around my family. It is going to be so so so awkward, and a big part of me wishes I could avoid it, but my grandma is down there and seeing me and my FH would make her year. My mom came to visit me last year for the first time ever besides graduation from college since I moved out at 18 and I am going to be 30. It was so damn awkward. My mom felt like an idiot and my bf(at the time) was kinda cold to her even though he was trying to be as polite as he could.
Oops too much about me, but what I want to say is… plan something intimate and lovely! Invite your parents and if they don’t show up try to look at it as sparing awkwardness on your big day even though it might make you sad. I really want to try and do something small in FL when I go visit and invite FH family and our friends to try and mitigate the fact that my awkward family will be there and this makes me feel a little better about it.
I really wish you the best and I hope we can both get through this awkward family crap and free ourselves of it after the wedding.
Post # 9
Thank you for all your responses! I really like the idea of just having a reception at a park, they’re quite cheap and I was planning on doing most of the cooking anyways. I’ll still probably go to the courthouse to sign papers as we’re both atheists.
The thing is that I don’t want to lose all contact with my parents because of who I choose to marry. I know I am going to marry my bf and nothing they say will make me change my mind but at the same time I want them to see that they have to accept this one thing. My other accomplishments are there, I am not going to drop out of school because of him or lose my motivation or anything. I am afraid if I go ahead and plan a wedding, I’ll be completely disowned. Honestly, I’d be fine not seeing/talking to my parents but I love my baby brother. I feel like he’s the only family who’s actually family and I am very protective towards him.
I don’t think my parents ever imagined they’d lose control of me this way when they immigrated. In my culture, daughters stay at home with their parents until a proper match is found.