Post # 1
My family is very large on both sides, especially my dad’s where I have 10 aunts and uncles, with over 30 cousins, most of whom also have kids and some of them have kids too. My wedding is in California. My family is in Minnesota. I honestly could not name all my cousins on my dad’s side because I’m not as close to that side of the family as my mom’s. There is also a big generation gap so while I am close to two of the youngest families on my dad’s side, I hardly know the rest. I see them once every 5-10 years, some I’ve only met once or twice. I’m having a small 70-person wedding (hopefully! the RSVP deadline is coming up soon). I invited cousins from two families on my dad’s side and all of my cousins on my mom’s side. Most can’t make it anyway due to expense, kids, etc. My concern over the wedding’s size has more to do with space than expense. Every seat seems accounted for already.
Anyway, I was already peeved because a particular aunt and uncle on my dad’s side are coming “because they love California” (the wife is from here). It has nothing to do with celebrating my marriage. They are generally cold people in person, didn’t call me when they came to visit San Francisco recently, don’t have much to say to me at all when I see them, etc. To be fair, I invited them because I made the decision to invite ALL aunts and uncles so really, this is more a personal annoyance thing and not an etiquette issue. I will of course welcome them to my wedding! BUT my mom just told me that this aunt’s daughter (through a previous marriage) is coming with them. She wasn’t even invited! I have probably spoken two words to her in my life. I couldn’t even tell you what she looked like. I called my mom to air my annoyance with her, but I just can’t bring myself to say outright that she can’t come. My immediate family is very drama free and easy going. But I can’t suppress the bridezilla entirely I guess. We can’t invite people we actually do see regularly due to space! My mom says that she thinks she’s coming because she is driving them over from their visit to Reno beforehand and my uncle is 75 years old. I’m told she’s not bringing her new husband (thank god).
I honestly wouldn’t care if my aunt, uncle and cousin got upset with me if I made it clear that my cousin wasn’t invited, I just don’t want to embarrass my dad or put him in the middle of an awkward conversation. What would you guys do?
Post # 3
Wow. some of the things that people do, I would never imagine doing to someone else during their wedding. I would stick to my guns and be clear that you have a very tight budget, and you must stick to the guest list you have prepared. Unfortunatly there is no room for additional guests.
I am in the same position. I have a cousin that I have invited to my wedding, that while I am not close now we were very close when we were younger. My FI has met her once. Our wedding is very small because my FI and I decided that we each wanted to know and be close with everyone invited. (So that means no friends of my parents, or his becasue while I know my moms friends, he does not. ) My cousin took it upon herself to demand that she bring her boyfriend she has been dating for three months. (Her response card didn’t have a “+1” because I knew she wasn’t in a serious relatonship when I sent out the invites. So there will be someone at my wedding that neither my FI nor I have ever met. Which would be fine, if it were the kind of wedding where we sent out response cards with “+1” to bring dates or spouses.
People apparently do what they want, and that includes inviting themselves to weddings they don’t belong to.
Post # 4
If space is really limited, I would use that as my excuse to put my foot down and say no.
Post # 5
You heard this through your mother, so she didn’t even tell you herself that she was coming? She just assumed she was invited sans invite, and then didn’t even bother to tell you she was coming? What does she think is going to happen when she shows up to a wedding for which she did not receive an invite, did not RSVP to, and about which she has not spoken to the bride or groom? I’m sorry, but how daft do you have to be?
I would speak to your aunt and use as much specific language as you can…”I’m so excited to see the two of you.” “When are the two of you arriving in the state?” And make sure your mom is on your side on this and can pass the word on when either your aunt or cousin start to talk about her attending the wedding, so she can intervene on your behalf if necessary.
And if she shows up uninvited, you can easily play the innocent bride who didn’t even know she was coming, because obviously she never spoke to you about it, RSVPed, or anything. So you won’t have a chair or meal for her, and that’s just so sad for her, but there’s nothing you can do.
Post # 6
@anemonie: Yep, hasn’t even told me herself. I think I’ll call my aunt and uncle and scope it out at least. My oldest sister suggests I just let it go, that my cousin is a very sweet (but clueless?) person. I wouldn’t know…
Post # 7
Are you sure they didn’t mean she is coming with them as in to California? Just because she is coming into the state doesn’t necessarily mean she is going to crash the wedding!
Post # 8
@j_jaye: That’s what I hope! I’m going to call them.