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Should I be upset that my cousin, which is more like a little sister, picked the same wedding date?
My FI and I have had this date picked out for close to six months and just last week she says that she's moved her wedding date up to August 2010 from November 2010 b/c her FI may be getting deployed.
If its the same date then yes I would be upset, if its in the same month I wouldn't, only because of the situation with her fiances deployment. Hope that helps!
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Um... the exact same date?! Yes I would be upset. That puts a lot of stress on your guests yes? Which wedding to go to. Have they already started puting down deposits and such? Maybe see if this can be changed.
If it's the same month, I wouldn't stress! No big deal.
yes, it's kinda crappy. I would be upset. I say she should have at least consulted you and been like, "omg, i'm so sorry, but this is the only day that works, i hope you understand"
But, I also understand her situation in which her fiance is deploying b/c been there done that. Too bad she couldn't have swung a different weekend. The military won't just give you time off whenever you want it unfortunately, so maybe this was the only weekend they'd let him have? There's a LOT going on.
Regardless, I think she should have talked to you about it. I would have felt AWFUL picking the same day/time frame as a friend/family member when my FI got deployed. I still dont' think I could have done it!!!!
I picked "yes" because if it was the exact same date then yes, I'd be upset. If it's just in the same month, though, I wouldn't worry about it. If her fiance might be deployed, it's a valid concern.
Do you both live in the same town? Could one wedding be on Friday and the other on Saturday?
She WAS my MOH - she knew the date, but it happened to slip her mind. My FI is deployed now in Afghanistan, so I totally understand moving it up.
But seriously - the same day? When she told me my FI happened to call - so he was a little PO'd and he's is very matter of fact and said to her seriously - "out of 52 weeks in the year that was the only day available?"
So she is talking about moving it up a week but unfortunately she won't be able to be my MOH and she won't be able to attend my wedding b/c she'll be on her honeymoon, and the icing on the cake - she ended it by saying "So can I see your wedding dress?"
I just have to laugh, right?
Wow! That's awful. OK, so maybe she can move it up a week, which is a bit better. But she still gets her wedding first, adn can't make it to yours. And just out of curiosity, is that really the only time they have to get married? If she can move it up a week, can she move it back a week, so that she will still be in town for your wedding?
If she doesn't have another option, have you ever considered a double wedding?
I would be upset; it puts your guests in a difficult position. I hope she is able to move it up a week as you said. Best of luck!
Maybe they'll elope so it won't cause any conflicts with your relatives being torn between which wedding to attend!
It's the only date available b/c she wants a specific reception location, and supposedly for summer weddings 8/7 and 8/14 are the only Saturday's available in 2010.
I mentioned having a double wedding - she said I don't think that will work b/c I don't want to get married in SC.
@poli2b - they've been engaged for a week now and are in the beginning stages of planning - my FI and I are the ones that have put deposits down.
(Not to be mean - this is her 2nd engagement in 18 months-different guys)
Oh yikes! That's a hard spot to be in. Hopefully she'll get her act together and realize that she may need to find another date.
Did you have a chosen venue she absolutely loved and that was the only day available that month?
I think it makes it hard on a lot of guests too, especially family. Is it around the same time of day? How does she expect family members to pick which wedding to go to?
Weddings would be same date same time different states.
I would be mad. She knew you were getting married on that day, and I am guessing she knew that you put deposits down first. I understand the difficulty of planning a wedding with someone who is in the military, but it sounds like she could have picked another date before he deployed but she didn't, bc she wanted the location. I think that is selfish and inconsiderate bc I am assuming that you will be inviting some of the same people.
Just try not to worry about her too much, and focus on your wedding. Hopefully she will be able to move the date up. Best of luck!
No excuses for her. She knew. I would have it out with her. This is TOTALLY unacceptable.
If he's getting deployed, then they choose another weekend. They have quite a few to pick from or she could even do a friday or sunday wedding..NOT your day. You honestly have the right to call her on this.
I have pms btw.
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Agreed that it is unacceptable. She has been your MOH all along so it's not like she can claim ignorance. I agree with bellenga - have it out with her and don't give in!
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If one of my closest relatives did that to me (we live in another state and it would screw everything up), I would not worry about my verbage. Gloves off. I'd be nice at first..to make her see the truth, and if she is well, unable to accept what SHE DID (how I'd present it to her) and how she is screwing up my day and making my family choose which wedding to attend, the GLOVES WOULD BE OFF.
I would be if that happened, immediately on the phone with a planner and sending out STD's asap, and make it more like an RSVP and make it look on those papers so damn irrestible to attend that she'd wish SHE WAS COMING to YOUR wedding instead.
Did I mention I have pms?
I'd say to her.."Now this is sweet that you want to get married earlier, but not on my wedding day. You're my maid of honor. I care for you and it means alot that you're there for me on my day (emphasis on my) and that I am there for you on your day too. Let's make this easy. I'm also somewhat hurt why you chose MY DAY when you're fully aware for the last SIX MONTHS that I was getting married THAT DAY. Now can you go with either the weekend before or the weekend after? We have to give our relatives a break ya know!
If she doesn't budge I'd say this (before pushing the big red button and forever making her wish she had never messed with me like this), "Now I think this would NOT be wise for you to do, for it WILL REFLECT ON YOU QUITE BADLY."
Leave it alone. Say nothing else. If she tries to waffle or make you change say nothing. Except for.."THIS NEGOTIATION IS OVER.. Do not contact me until you've properly changed your date."
Wow
Ok now that the details are out, I give my disapproval stamp and take away any benefit of the doubt I initially gave her. My FI got deployed, and I wouldn't have done this. Not in a milion years, especially to someone close. This detail does not "slip" your mind when you're the MOH! OMG! I mean, unless you're completely utterly stupid.
2 guys in 18 months? Is she cougaring for a husband or something? I'm sorry, something sounds fishy about the back to back engagements like that! Taking advantage of our poor military men perhaps??? I don't know. It's questionable I guess.
VERY inconsiderate to her guests. Yours, too! I mean, really. C'mon, she has to be more flexible and maybe give up the "dream" a little bit to save her OWN face. She will look like a total bridezilla. Do get your STD's out asap and stuff though. If she's going to play this game, well, you're not *playing* but you are on top of your planning, riiiight? =].
If she's going to do this and marry this guy, maybe she needs to wait until he gets back from Iraq. Why can't she get married during R&R? Or get married NOW if it's THAT important and celebrate big time when he gets home? Shoot, she probably barely knows him, so i'm sure the distance is not going to help. Personal experience, it's no cake walk. You have to really know your guy and know yourself. I know too many "bad" military wives (they get pregnant on purpose to get a ring, they steal the guy's money, they cheat, etc etc) to know my red flag indicator is going up if she's going to treat one of her closest friends/family members this way.
Ok b-fest over =]
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Bride Wars?? Well, which wedding is close to the hometown or family? It may be that she's having jealousy issues or may be one of those people that just HAS to get married. Watch, you'll end up having kids at the same time, too. Just take it all in stride and be the bigger person. What else can you do?
That was rude and inconsiderate to you and your whole family. She sounds very immature, esp. considering she was supposed to be your MOH.
FI's cousin picked the same date as ours. Apparently he refused to consider changing it, even though our wedding has been booked for two months and we just heard about his. FI is pretty upset about it, especially since it some of his family members will end up going to the cousin's wedding instead of ours. It doesn't bother me too much though, our guest list is already to big!
@ejs4y8 yes i pretty much have all the details planned out. I'm very much a type A when it comes to party planning. I have made a rough draft of my STDs (lol that sounds bad) I'll post them soon so I can get feedback.
@darilinda it does feel like bride wars. Our families are here in MA, PR, & FL, and I'm closer to the fam we share so most likely they would show to mine. My FI seems to agree with what your saying and says she is trying to stand out. I think he's more upset than I am.
I think what bothers me the most is that she is thinking of moving it up one week but indirectly said she won't be able to make my wedding b/c she'll be on her honeymoon. WTF!
Ha, around here we see STDs and think "paper!!!!" not unpleasant things nobody wants to see a doctor for....
...you might as well beat her to the punch. the people who you are closest to (and find you more important, oops i said that out loud) will be at YOUR wedding. You can have a slightly more lavish affair now that there will be less people in attendance perhaps. Or save the money for a house =]
Try to see the good side of it. yes, it sucks major and it's rude. But if she's going to be like this NOW, can you imagine how she would have been as your MOH? Probably a sucky MOH.
I'm not one to go bridezilla, but if you are close and she knew the date AND she had her own date and moved it up, you have every right to be mad!
That's just rude. I mean, how is your family supposed to got to two weddings at once?
Wow.
Sorry you're in such a pickle.
Best Wishes!
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I'd be completely choked! I think you're handling this very, very well!
Time to find a new MOH, regardless if she can attend the wedding or not. I'm very firm on brides only having people who love & support them up at the altar/chuppah/arch (lol) with them!!
Her actions are not just rude... they are downright hurtful.
If this is her second engagement in 18 months, perhaps this one may fall through too? I agree that that sounds mean, but it is what it is. She seems completely indecisive. Maybe she will come to her senses and change the date so that she's not only stealing your wedding date, but that she can actually make it to your wedding.
I think she's trying to steal your thunder & its unacceptable. Someone who loves you shouldn't do something so hurtful! Ugh!!!! I'm fired up. What a meanie!
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Wow...it sounds as if she's very flippant about the entire thing which is even more infuriating! It's almost as if she's trying to one up you and challenge you to see whose wedding your relatives would show up to. It was very generous of you to offer the double wedding, but I would be very frustrated with her! I absolutely understand that her date had to be moved b/c of her FI's possible deployment, but your FI is absolutely right. Out of 52 weeks in the year, she had to choose your day?
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...she doesn't sound like she's thinking about anyone else but herself in this situation and that's unfortunate. Good luck and I hope all works out!
AAAAAWWWWWW....thanks for all the support! It's good to hear opinions from others not attached to the situation.
Last time in speaking with her I told her to not worry about my wedding to focus on her own and to just be a guest b/c I don't want her stressing over this. So, as of now it's my SIL as my Matron of Honor and my daughter as jr bridesmaid.
@ejs4y8 talking to my FI last night I let him know if we have less people than we can splurge on other things.
One thing we both agree is that as much as we love her - we are NOT changing our date and not sharing any details of our wedding. We have to also accept that we may not be able to attend her wedding since ours will be out of state and we will have to go earlier to SC to get marriage license and work out any fine details.
I wonder how she can be a guest if she's at her own wedding? LOL
I must say that I admire your ability to handle this was a lot of grace! I'd be flipping my chicken nuggets right about now.
Maybe you can save enough to go on a really sweet kick butt honeymoon! Upgrade? Sure, why not?! 
Wow. This girl is ridiculous! I agree with Recessionista Bride...maybe this 2nd engagement might fall through also? Maybe then your problem will be solved (I know bad of me to hope for you)...
Is she always this selfish? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sounds like you're handling it fabulously! Agree with ejs...if less people come then splurge on something you might not have! Although I definitely encourage staking your claim by sending STD's early!
I wouldn't call her selfish - but self absorbed at times. She's always been one that disappears when she's paired up - so it really doesn't surprise me that she is not thinking of me.
I have a rough draft of my STD I will post in DIY - the design is simple but I love that it has the palmetto tree which is on the SC flag and ties into our beach wedding...feedback is appreciated.
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Clearly with the majority on this one. hopefully she moves the date, and I agree send those save the dates!
Check out the STD http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-std-version-5-feedback-welcomed
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That's really messed up - Hello, why couldnt she pick the month before or the weekend before? Especially if she's your MOH - I smell, Bride Wars!!! LOL - I was worried about a close relative getting married within months of my wedding b/c we are a big family it's nice to have everyone help out however with two weddings how do you splice up the people, not too mention making sure you arent doing the exact same things. And also consider the financial drain on the family of buying two gifts and two of everything. She should really consider that you had it first & have the STD's already. Im sorry for your situation - but remember it's your day.
Wow, and I was annoyed when my FI's sister told us that we can't pick a certain wedding date (around the months that we wanted our wedding) because she's attending her friend's wedding. To have you MOH steal your wedding date? The same exact date?! I am glad you have your SIL as your MOH now. Your cousin would not have been a good MOH (she forgot your wedding date! WTH?)
Oh, heck, I'd be upset with her. Very upset.
All the people comparing it to Bride Wars are totally right! Except that I'm sure that your wedding will end totally fine, and you won't be so catty as to send her a Butter of the Month Club membership! LOL.
Very inconsiderate of her, though. Half of me agrees with Recessionista Bride that this engagement may well fall through. Then again, she may have found her "one" (my Uncle met & got engaged to my aunt less than 6 months after he broke it of with his first fiance, and they've been together almost 25 years), so I would't bad-mouth her relationship too much.
I agree with the choices you've made -- send out your STDs ASAP, and don't share any of your wedding details. =) Good luck!
Jaydee, I am so impressed with your attitude! You are a superbride :)
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