Post # 1
So bear with me, but this is a longish story..
Background: I sent out STD cards back in October since we have plenty of Out of Town guests. We consulted with our parents on the date and everyone agreed it would work. We are inviting aunts and uncles, but drawing the line and no cousins are invited as we do not know them that well etc.
Fast forward to Feb of this year. Fiance and are at a big get together for his side of family (this is quite unusual so there are many family members I have not met and he has not seen in several years). One of his cousins comes and brings his own Fiance and another aunt mentions, as she introduces us, that our weddings fall on the same day! What???!!! It was so awkward, but I just smiled anyways.
So then I was chatting with the cousin’s Fiance – turns out they have nothing booked yet, no venue, no offiicient, nothing. So I was kind of hoping they would realize that our guest lists would have many of the same people, so it would make sense to change their date (since they had nothing booked and we have almost everything planned, incl. STD mailed out).
Now, the situation is that they are keeping their date and the grandparents are not going to EITHER wedding. I totally understand this, since it is awkward to pick one and then get accused of playing favorites, etc. But this is seriously upsetting that my FI’s grandparents will not be attending either wedding. Not to mention, I don’t know yet if any other of this aunts and uncles are going to attend either. This is so unbelieveably awkward and upsetting. I suppose it is possible that the cousin did not know of our wedding when they set their own date, but his parents would have already received a save the date back in Oct.
Oh and I would be more than willing to change our date, but like I said, we have booked everything! And several of my family members have even booked plane tickets, so changing our date is totally out of the question.
I’m so upset…
Post # 3
have you tried talking to them? instead of letting other family members draw their own conclusions maybe an open conversation between both couples will help?
Post # 4
that is crazy, and how sad that the grandparents won’t be attending. Playing favorites? By how, going to the wedding that notified you ahead of time? Ugh, that is so, so sucky.
Do you know if they have anything booked at this point? I really have not other advice other than this cousin sounds either completely oblivious, or a real biotch.
Post # 5
You have every right to be upset. I wonder why they didn’t change their date once they realized you guys were already booked and far along in planning. Unfortunately, no matter how unfair it may be, the majority of Bees on this site will tell you that you can’t control when other people get married, who attends your weddings, etc. All that being said, I still feel for you and your Fiance who is being punished for something that really is not his fault. I don’t have any GOOD advice for you (my BAD advice is that I would have FI’s family members talk to this cousin and get them to see things more reasonably…but don’t do that for the aforementioned reasons…lol.) but I do hope your FI’s grandparents will not punish him for his cousin’s choices.
Post # 6
I would try talking to them directly about it without sounding angry/pissed. I think it’s really weird they did that. And since you’ve had your wedding scheduled for WAY longer, you have dibs on the guests as you’ve sent out the STD’s so it’s not like the grandparents are choosing one cousin over the other.
Post # 7
No offense intended but YOU were unaware of their wedding date prior to the meeting, so I guess I’m confused as to why they would be expected to know your date. Obviously they’ve communicated their intended date to several family members as a mutual aunt was able to tell both couples they shared a wedding date. They aren’t invited to your wedding so I’m not sure they are obligated to change their date to accomodate family pressures.
Post # 8
@Happyisme: the thing is, the OP had sent out her Save-The-Date Cards – including to the parents of the other couple and the grandparents…….so it’s reasonable to expect that the other couple should have known the date, based on the fact that their parents and grandparents got the STD.
Post # 9
Instead of assuming what they did or did not know, I would suggest talking with them directly. Discuss the difficulty that the situation is causing for the relatives and see if you can work something out.
Post # 10
It is upsetting, to be sure . .. but as upsetting as it is, I think that you have to realise perhaps there are other factors that may have gone into choosing this cousin’s date . . . such as when the cousin or cousin’s Fiance could get vacation time, or various deadlines in their personal lives. Perhaps a certain key family member on one of their sides is only available on a certain day. As upsetting as it is, try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Post # 11
@julies1949 <– This.
I can’t imagine a reason why someone would want to put their wedding on the same day as somone else’s in their family/immediate circle. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Post # 12
Normally I avoid commenting on those “they set the date and it’s close to mine!” posts, because some people have limited time frames to get married in… BUT THE SAME DAY!??! Can you not talk to her about how you don’t want relatives and grandparents to choose? Maybe she will realize what is going on…?
Post # 13
Thanks so much for all of the comments and advice. I’m definitely going to try to talk to them about this further. It’s just a bit awkward since I only met them for the first (and only) time on the day I found out that our wedding is on the same day.
As we are not close, I certainly do not care when their wedding is for my own benefit. They were not going to be invited to mine, and I would assume that I was not invited to theirs. It’s just that we both really would like my FI’s grandparents in attendance! I also would imagine that this is disappointing for the grandparents that they are not going to be at two of their grandchildrens’ weddings (currently the only two that are even anywhere near marriage!) That is my only concern – that the people who love us both, either have to choose, or avoid the whole day. It is really sad.
Post # 14
I actually would be really upset but I also would have said something because I’m a big-mouth. Wtih the fact that they didnt’ have anything booked, I would have said “well, you do realize we’re inviting lots of the same people, right? That isn’t very fair to them…and we already have everything booked.” However, the weirdest part to me is how little they must value the attendance of the grandparents…what an awful sitation to put them in…some grandparents make that a life goal…to live to see the marriage of their grandchildren…I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, I would have said something then and there.
Post # 15
@Miss Orchard: Oh I wish you had been there with me the day I was chatting with them! I was just so shocked that I didn’t know what to say and just sat there discussing regular wedding stuff like everything was just fine! Grr I never think of the right thing to say until so much later…
Post # 16
I’m always in the camp of ‘you get one day’ but clearly, the cousin intends to have your day.
Have they even found a venue yet? Because 6 months out is not much time to get venues in some parts of the country. If they don’t have a venue, the wedding very well may be on a different date.
I’d talk to them, under the guise of the grandparents – that they won’t be at the cousin’s wedding either, wouldn’t the cousin like to see them at the wedding, family family family blah blah blah.
I can’t believe they set the date after knowing about yours. That’s just plain rude.