Post # 1
I didn’t know where to post this one, and I hope to not offend anyone. But I think I really need the advice of women in the same position of TTC as my cousin.
A bit of background – My husband and I married last year and our first baby is due next month. My cousin is 34 and has been trying for a baby with her partner, but due to so far not being able to concieve natrually they are starting IVF in one month.
Whenever I am around her, she cries. She will run out of the room, but then come back a few minutes later cleary very upset. I am told by relatives to not talk about the baby/pregnancy, but never sit around and talk about it a lot with her because I’m senstitive to her feelings and don’t want to upset her.
She didn’t come to my baby shower, which I completely understand. But I feel like I’m not allowed to acknowledge the fact that I’m having a baby because she is struggling. i don’t mean to sound selfish or insenstitive, but how can I never talk about it? As I mentioned above, I keep it to a minimum around her, and I don’t bring it up unless she or someone asks.
But it’s hard, I feel almost guilty for my happiness. We have been close since I was really young and I hate how this is changing our relationship.
i guess i just feel lost as what to do. How am I supposed to be when I call to tell her about our babies birth? I’d love some advice from women who are TTC, as you are in her position and I don’t think anyone not in the same position can’t really give the right advice.
She is also still waiting for him to propose, and didn’t come to our wedding. She looked at our pictures, but didn’t really seem to care. I just don’t want all this to ruin our relationship. Is there something I can do differently? I don’t know how to get around this 🙁
Post # 3
I have been TTC for 2.5 years and have seen multiple friends have babies. I would never not be happy for them or have the stiffle their happiness over something that is taking me a bit longer. I have had my moments where I am sad but I do that in the privacy of my own home. You need to enjoy this time in your life and your cousin needs to stop being selfish.
Post # 4
I have my moments where I am resentful and jealous of other women that are pregnant or have recently had babies, but I work through those feelings privately. Then I go visit my friend and her 3 month old and I hug him and give him kisses and feed him and feel nothing but happiness for HER and for her new baby. I can’t even imagine not going to my closest cousins wedding because my bf hadn’t proposed yet. I know everyone deals with their emotions in their own way, but that is a bit extreme. You have every right to be so happy and excited and it’s really nice of you to be sensitive of her feelings. But she should also be happy for and supportive of YOU! That wedding part really grates on me, that one is really rough. My cousin lost her husband a year after they were married, he was killed in Iraq. She did not come to my sister’s wedding because it was too painful. THAT I can understand. She’s lucky she even has a BF and should’ve been happy to share YOUR day with you and support you.
Post # 5
@MrsSmokey: can I ask what was the reason she didnt come to ur wedding? not being able to conceive yet is one thing but being so caught up because shes not engaged, not pregnant & nothings going right in her life is a bit selfish to punish u for it. I agree u shouldnt have to pretend ur not pregnant but she obviously is heart broken & cant see past her own unhappiness.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@MrsSmokey: Sounds like she’s really unable to deal with her feelings. Some people can handle it, some can’t. I’m sorry, must be really hard for you. You might have to distance yourself from her, as your presence is too hard for her to deal with.
Post # 7
@pasquel: @jny1179: That is really sweet of both of you. I understand it must be so hard, which is why I feel so confused as what to do here.
@bride202: She said she just couldn’t come to my wedding. She never gave a reason, but she never seemed excited or happy for me when we got engaged, and really didn’t seem interested in seeing our photos or hearing about the wedding.
@lealorali: I’ve been thinking the same. I really don’t want to be around her if everytime I make her cry, it’s awful.
Post # 8
I’m in your cousins position, I am dealing with infertility (I cannot conceive and it will be years before we can afford to try IVF with an egg donor) and right at the time I found out about my issues my closest cousin (who just turned 20 afree having her first child at 15) announced her second pregnancy. Was I upset? Angry? Jealous? Hurt? Hell yes! but never did that stop me being happy for her, congratulating her Giving her a huge hug and telling her what an amazing mother she is! I love her and while yes I’m sad for myself I refuse to let it spoil and poison her happiness…my medical issues aren’t her fault and neither are you’d cousins issues your fault. I understand how hard it is for your cousin believe me but infertility is painful enough to those affected by it without it poisoning the happiness of those who aren’t. If I were you I’d pull her aside and just tell her that you love her and that you are there to support her and help her in any way you can. Then give her space and let her deal with her emotionsledge will come to you 🙂 congratulations on your beautiful baby too, I’m sure you will make an great mother and treasure your LO as the gift they are xx also good luck to your cousin and I hope she begets her miracle baby too!
Post # 9
@MrsSmokey: Im all for being sensitive to other people’s situations. However, I would not dim my own happiness so much that I started to feel guilty over being happy. People around your cousin shouldn’t be expected to stop living their lives and being happy over things like a pregnancy because she is unable to do those things right now. I think it’s rather selfish of your cousin to act that way. I was asked to be the MOH of my best friends wedding at literally my lowest point of my romantic life. It was an extremely hard time for me. But I happily agreed and was genuinely so happy for her. Even though my romantic life was shit, I was so happy she found what I hoped to find for myself at some point. Your cousins issues are not your fault and this baby deserves to be celebrated just as much as any other. Shame on your family for putting that burden on your shoulders and making you feel guilty.
Post # 10
@stardustintheeyes: “I’m all for being sensitive to other people’s situations. However, I would not dim my own happiness so much that I started to feel guilty over being happy. People around your cousin shouldn’t be expected to stop living their lives and being happy over things like a pregnancy because she is unable to do those things right now. I think it’s rather selfish of your cousin to act that way…Your cousins issues are not your fault and this baby deserves to be celebrated just as much as any other. Shame on your family for putting that burden on your shoulders and making you feel guilty.“
Yes, your cousins situation must be really hard for her to deal with. Watching others become pregnant when all you dream of is a little one of your own is heart breaking. But behaving in such a way that makes others who are experiencing these exciting life changes, feel guilty about their happiness, is totally unacceptable and selfish IMO.
Post # 11
It is one thing to be upset, jealous, even hurt at someone else’s fortune – but to not attend any of your events, to in effect ‘ban’ you from talking about something that’s happening in your life? She’s over the line here. What are you supposed to do – hide your baby after delivery too because it might hurt her?
Life is unfair. I can understand her pain. It sucks when everyone around you is getting pregnant – seemingly with little to no effort. But that’s life. You’ve been utterly and completely accommodating.
If others give you advice on how to approach her about the baby, all that’s necessary is a, “This is my life and I would like to share it with her,” before walking away. She’s a grown woman, not a baby.
I’d slowly start talking about it a little more often – as much as you feel you want or need to – around her. She needs to adjust to this and hiding her away from it isn’t going to solve anything.
Barring that, I’d go out of my way to avoid someone who can’t handle life constructively.
Post # 12
@StevieJo: @stardustintheeyes: @Mischka: @CookieCreamCakes:
Thank you all so much for your responses! I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading this thread, and you all have made so much sense. My cousin, unfortunately, seems to be avoiding me now. So I’ve decided to let her come to me. It really isn’t fair, on either of us. But I’m getting tired of feeling like I can’t express the happiness I feel at this time in my life. Hopefully IVF is successful for her, and she will come around 🙂
It will be really hurtful if I don’t hear from her when the baby is born, but I feel like I can’t get angry about it. My Mum is her Mother’s sister, and I think she will tell her when bubs is born, as she seems to prefer telling my cousin these things..
Post # 13
@MrsSmokey: “My cousin, unfortunately, seems to be avoiding me now. So I’ve decided to let her come to me.“
This really is the best idea.
“It will be really hurtful if I don’t hear from her when the baby is born, but I feel like I can’t get angry about it.“
Honestly, I feel you do have the right to get upset about it, but you shouldn’t waste your time feeling resentful or angry about this. You being upset/angry, even though it’s warranted won’t change your cousins’ feelings, it won’t change her behaviour towards you and it won’t make you feel better about the situation either.
I hope she can find happiness for you and for herself.