Post # 1
So back when we started planning the wedding we were certain that it was an adults only event. We have two flower girls, but their parents are graciously offering their home and garden for our hopefully fabulous reception. They lvie there and they are in the wedding, so those two little girls are ok.
My cousins live out of town and they have a 9 year old and a 5 year old. The kids were not listed on the invitation, but their parents were planning to bring them. My mother talked to my aunt (mother of the cousin who’s kids are coming) and told her that the kids can’t come. My aunt has now said that her whole family will go to the wedding at the church, but then not go to the reception. So my aunt (who is my godmother), my uncle, my cousins (6 adults total) won’t be at my wedding reception, and will instead go out to dinner as a family. I’m pretty hurt about the whole thing because my cousin could have totally prevented this problem by reading who the damned invitation was addressed to as opposed to interpreting it.
I’m considering (my fiance and I are mulling it over) just saying bring the two kids and dealing with any fall out from his side (there is maybe one kid) and just saying c’est la vie and not worrying about this for the wedding. I wish my view was being supported, but at the same time I had the idea of their being family strife because ya know I love these people.
Post # 3
I think you should stick your ground…but then I also think your family should not be putting you in this situation!!
I guess letting the kids come might be the best option, but it sure stings the ego!
Post # 4
What was their plan for accomodations if the kids were allowed to come? Were they staying with family? At a hotel?
Could you possibly set them up with a babysitter to come to the hotel or wherever they’re staying to watch the 5 and 9 year old?
Post # 5
I like hotchildinthecity’s idea. You could get a babysitter to watch the kids at the house that your reception is at and that way the babysitter could watch the flowergirls at the same time and keep all the children from getting a little too rowdy at your repception. I’m sure the flowergirls parents would appreciate that too.
I would probably let them come just to ensure that the rest of the family can come, but either way I think it’s awful that they are forcing this situation on you.
Post # 6
If you are doing a home and garden reception, could you instead ask your gracious hosts if they have a babysitter you could use? Then you could pass on to your cousins that they are welcome to attend the reception, and you have a kids room set up at the house for their children to attend, but just not the reception part.
The thing about hosting an “Adult Only Reception” is that if someone from out of town has kids, they logistically may not be able to attend. You can’t just lock them in a closet. I think your cousins are supporting you as best they can, by attending the ceremony where children are allowed, and skipping the reception where children are not allowed. It’s actually very polite of them!
If they aren’t comfortable with the babysitter idea, I would leave it be. You don’t want to cause future drama on your Future In-Laws side by suddenly allowing children, it’s rude and could ruffle a lot of feathers. Maybe just express to your cousins how much you appreciate them coming to the ceremony.
Post # 7
I have to disagree with MightySapphire. I could understand why the cousins with the children might skip the reception (and you’re right, it is polite), but this goes beyond that, if their entire family is going to skip it. The aunt, uncle, and other cousins can’t come? That to me is a boycott, not a necessary arrangement. But maybe I’m just too sensitive to these things!
Post # 8
I agree that it sounds fair they would go to the wedding and not the reception. It doesn’t personally sound like boycott to me. Boycott would be skipping both. I know if my husband and I had kids, but the kids couldn’t go and we had no babysitter, the two of us would likely stay with the kids instead of just one or the other going.
I like the idea of trying to find a babysitter. If that won’t work though, maybe suggest that you all go out for dinner (or host a dinner if your place is big enough) after the wedding instead. Imo, the wedding is the important part and the reception is just for fun.
Post # 9
I think your cousins are working with you as best they can. They are willing to travel from out of town and come to your wedding, I think that is plenty gracious.
“I’m pretty hurt about the whole thing because my cousin could have totally prevented this problem by reading who the damned invitation was addressed to as opposed to interpreting it.”
Would you prefer that they decline and miss both wedding and reception? Not everyone is comfortable going out of town and leaving their children in the care of others. Also, not everyone is comfortable leaving their kids with a baby sitter they don’t know.
Post # 10
A similar thing happened to me. My Aunt insisted that her son come. We didn’t want him there, he’s not well behaved and he’s not in the wedding. But to avoid any drama before the wedding, we just said fine. We probably aren’t avoiding drama after the wedding, my FI’s family have children the same age. They are fine with not having them invited because they’re under the assumption that NO children are coming. Ugh, we’ll see what happens!
Post # 11
Just to clarify, I don’t think that the parents of the children missing the reception is a boycott. I do think that the grandparents and the uncles and aunts also missing it takes this a bit over the top! If this were happening to me, I would be kind of annoyed by this situation.
That being said, the idea about babysitting is a good one. Sometimes peace comes at a price!
Post # 12
i considered trying to have an adult only thing, but then you risk not having a lot of people come. and if you really want the adults there then you deal with the kids. think about how offended they might be that theyre kids, your cousins, arent invited to your wedding. also, you gotta take in mind that they are going out of town, so they would have to find someone to watch the kids.
you just just have to decide how much you want your aunt there. and if you dont want her to share in your reception then tell her no to the kids. but dont be surprised if she doesnt come to any of the wedding.
good luck though!
Post # 13
So sorry about this. Sometimes something like this can cause problems far in the future. If your in laws think there aren’t going to be other children I’d think a long time about allowing any children on your side to attend. Feelings get hurt easily over things like this and you could be causing future problems with your new family. I’d be very careful before I’d let any children attend if some relatives are under the impression there will be no children there.
Post # 14
@Jenni…when you said family, I assumed you meant the parents of the young children. WOW…umm…yeah…that certainly sounds like a boycott.
Post # 15
I think it’s ok that the parent’s miss the reception if they have no where to leave thier kids, but it’s so not right that the rest of the family is not coming either. If I were in your situation I would stick to my guns, after all they are the ones missing out on the fun.
Post # 16
The really interesting thing about all of this is that right after the invitations were mailed( 8 weeks ago) they told us they weren’t coming to the wedding. The called Monday (3/29/10) and the wedding is April 10. We told them 6 months ago that it was an adult only reception. So 12 days before the wedding is when they dropped this on us. After sending regrets. There is also a large music festival in New Orleans that weekend so hotels are booked pretty tight. My mother got chewed out by my aunt about the fact that they couldn’t stay in the same hotel because it was booked full. We told everyone via our website and frequent emails that there was a festival the weekend of April 10 (which was originally not scheduled that weekend, but after we set our date it was changed). We offered babysitters, and we were told that they weren’t coming to the wedding so it didn’t matter. There are only 3 children on my side of the family. The other child (a toddler) is staying with a babysitter that is a friend of the family, but the parents of the 5 and 9 year olds are insisting that they come. The older girl caused a large scene at a different cousin’s wedding last year and I don’t want a repeat of that. It would be so different if they had a track record of good behavior, but they don’t.
The end of the story is that they are coming to the wedding. There are significant issues between my mother and her sister now. And now the two kids that are the reason I didn’t want kids at the wedding at coming. I just hope they behave. The refusal of the babysitter, and the inability to do what was asked of them makes me sad. I talked to my cousin’s brother and he said this is just another example of said cousin only doing what he wants rather than what other people would want, and that he’s fundamentally selfish and still wants his mom to fight his battles. We had a good laugh, and he told me that’s why said cousin’s kids weren’t in his wedding either because dealing with the parents (his brother and his sister in law) isn’t worth the hassle.
It’s going to be fine.