Post # 1
I have decided not to invite my 3 adult cousins and their significant others because we can only invite 24 people to our wedding and I only see them once a year. I know I have to tell them directly to explain that they aren’t invited but when and how should I do this? Should I call them before the invitations go out or after? Should I phone them directly or send them an email?
This is a very awkward situation and my parents are freaking out that this is going to create lifelong tension between the families. My FI is not inviting any extended family at all and our guest list is pretty skewed towards my side of the family.
Post # 3
I would call them befor ethe invitations (or meet in person, if you can). Tell them that you would love to have them there, but your budget only allows 24 people and you simply cannot exceed it.
Ask them if they would be willing to go to dinner with FI to celebrate a week or so later. Just you and all of them. That way they still feel included in a celebration. 🙂
Post # 4
Call them to explain the limited numbers situation 🙂
Post # 5
Let it be said that most of this stems from my mother (who I love dearly) and my constant need to not have people upset with me.
My mother was under the impression that our venue would hold more than 30 people so she took it upon herself to talk about the wedding and confirmed to various family friends that they were invited before we had finalized the guest list. So because she had told people that “of course, they were being invited” I felt I had to add them to the list. Admittedly this ticked me off because I wasn’t really planning on inviting some of these people.
While I would rather have friends I see all the time at my wedding instead of my cousins who I only see at christmas, my parents are very upset that not inviting these 3 cousins are going to cause irreparable conflict between our small family. Especially since the cousins have been talking about coming to the wedding and my parents didn’t say anything to them because they felt it was too awkward.
My fiance isn’t really close to any of his family so he doesn’t understand the stress that I’m going through. He just gets angry and says we should go with our planned guest list and the cousins be damned. It’s easy enough for him to say just call them and tell them they’re aren’t invited but that is not a phone call I relish making. The funny thing is, I’m not upset that the cousins aren’t invited, I’m just worried about the potential family fall out.
So right now, my fiance and I aren’t talking over this and my mother is upset that we aren’t waiting to see what the RSVPs are like and then deciding whether or not to invite them. My fiance feels like 75% of the guest list is for my family and feels that if there are available seats from declined RSVPs that he should get them to make things even.
This is going to be the most awkward conversation of my life. I feel like it is almost rude to call the caousins just to tell them they aren’t invited. Could I send a personal letter or email instead? I’m really freaking out about this…
Note: I should also mention that I don’t live in the same city as my parents and cousins so a personal meeting is not possible.
Post # 6
I kinda feel like it’s your mum’s mess to clean up? She was the one who promised things that it wasn’t her place to promise & didn’t check stuff with you, it should be her who makes the awkward call?
But yeah you’re in a tough spot – good luck!
Post # 7
I don’t think you have to call them if you only see them once a year. Can you hold off in case some of your planned guests aren’t coming and you end up having room for them?
I don’t think you have to call someone to tell them they are not invited. I do think you have to bring it up if they say something to you about planning on attending.
Post # 8
Just call them and explain your mom was excited and got verbal invite diarrhea and has way overcommitted. They’ll understand that your venue only holds 24 people. (These 3 cousins plus their SOs would be 25% of your guest list! Yikes!)
I’ve been the cousin that wasn’t invited. I didn’t mind at all. I’d much rather they had people that were and important part of their daily lives present, rather than family they mostly only see at holidays invited out of obligation. 🙂
Post # 9
Just call them (before the invitations) and explain what happened. If they hear how bad you feel, I’m sure they’ll be understanding.
Post # 10
I would ask my mom to handle it.
Post # 11
I would say that your mom should be the one to call them and explain. If she doesn’t want to, you should call and explain that your mother didn’t have the accurate information and that you are unable to invite them. Be very apologetic. I know that in my family, it would definitely cause a lot of tension to not invite cousins, so you really have to be concerned and aware of that.
Post # 12
It’s rude to tell people that they aren’t invited. You don’t need to call them at all. They will figure out that they aren’t invited when they don’t recieve an invitation. If they call and ask you about it you can explain that you are having a small 24 people wedding. Since you only see these people once a year I’m gathering that you aren’t that close anyway. Stop stressing about it. If your mom has told them that they are invited than it is her responsibility to clean up that mess.
Post # 13
I’ve been chatting with my sister and we both discussed the possibility of not inviting any of my cousins, aunts or uncles and then letting them know we will have a family party in our home town some time after the wedding so everyone can be invited (my cousins’ spouses included).
I feel a lot better about this and the thought of letting everyone know this doesn’t fill me with dread like the other possible phone calls.
Post # 14
I would send a heartfelt email. Then you can make sure you include everything you want in it (only 24 total invited, none of FI’s extended family coming, you love them and don’t want this to create tension, etc) without rambling through it all. Then, they also have time to digest the situation too. Let them know you’d be happy to talk to them more in person about it as well, but just be honest and sincere that this is a really hard thing for you to do so you thought email would be the best appraoch.
Post # 15
Lifelong tension? Really? I don’t think I’ve ever held a grudge against anyone for not inviting me to their wedding when it comes to extended family. Your reasoning is completely justified. I would just send a nice card or email explaining the situation and leave it at that.
Post # 16
Okay…so these are my two options now:
1. Inivte my aunts and uncles but not the cousins
2. Don’t invite and aunts, uncles or cousins but have a post wedding celebration in our hometown a month or two after the wedding and invite everyone
I feel like if I don’t invite any extended family then I can just tell them the plans for the after-party and let them know that due to the space location we couldn’t invite all extended family so we felt the best thing to do was not invite any extended family.
If I don’t invite the cousins I’m not going to call them to tell them..I really feel like that is a rude thing to do. If they call me looking for an invite I will explain the situation.
Which situation would you choose if you were in my position?