Post # 1
I know that most Bees are of the age when lots of people marry, so they attend other weddings.
In some parts of the country the unspoken rule is to cover the cost of your attendance (cover the plate) with the cost of your gift.
Of course, to me this raises plenty of issues like, how the heck are you supposed to know the cost, and does that mean you give a less expensive gift than you normally would for a less expensive wedding?
Which got me wondering, do you think of this “rule,” try to follow it, or don’t care? Curious, thanks Bees!
Post # 3
I’ve heard of it, but I don’t worry about following it. We usually give $100 check for a casual friend, or more for a very close friend or relative. To us that feels like a generous gift (though I’m sure in many cases our 2 dinners cost more). I certainly wouldn’t expect to get larger gifts than that at my wedding from that level of friends.
I think it’s got to be rare that a couple actually “makes back” the full cost of their meal – maybe in certain cultures, but not mine!
Post # 4
hmmm none of the survey options reflect what i usually do. I keep the cost of the plate in mind and make sure/try to cover the cost but i use that as a minimum to go on. So cheaper wedding does not necessarily equal cheaper gift. My relationship with the people is also taken into account as well as the travel expenses.
Post # 5
Now THIS is interesting! I just did it and the suggested amount I should give for ‘close friend’ is $270.! For a relative its $392.
Its really a regional thing anyway. The cover the plate is really a made up practice that’s only surfaced in the past 15 years or so.
Post # 6
I just tried the wedding envelope quiz and I feel like it is spot on for the weddings I am attending this summer.
Post # 7
I just tried the wedding envelope quiz and the answers were CRAZY! I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding, i’ve gone to three other parties and given gifts for all, it’s a destination wedding on a Sunday and it said I should give $400. I almost had a heart attack. I’ve already spent $1500 on the wedding and that’s pre-wedding gift. Insanity.
Post # 8
This really drives me crazy! It is my biggest wedding pet peeve. It seems to me equivalent to selling tickets to the weddings.
Post # 9
Ooh, I just tried that. I am a gift buyer, not a money giver, but I ran it for myself for the wedding of a close friend I attended cross country last weekend, then I did it for my average family member coming to my wedding from cross country.
It suggested $153 for my friend, and $258 to me for my family!
That really surprised me. My income is alot higher than most of my family’s, and the formality of the weddings was the same. Mine is on a Saturday, and hers was on a Sunday, but I gave more than suggested, and I would be SHOCKED if a family member gave me that much or a gift worth that much. Actually, I would be slightly embarassed, considering the cost to fly, rent a car, and rent a hotel room. I mean, it is crucial to be gracious about any gift a person wants to give you, but still, that seems really high.
EDIT: oh, the other difference was I went to a wedding in Ohio, mine is in California.
Post # 10
Wow! That calculator is sorta crazy…I just played around with it and it said i should be giving $325 for a wedding this summer for a close friend. That seems like a LOT. Also, when I changed it to off peak, it said we had to give $275. WTH? haha
Post # 11
I ususally keep the cover your plate thing in mind, but like someone else said, I use it for a minimum. If someone is having a bbq wedding for $30 per person, I am most certainly not just going to give $30. But if someone is having a wedding for $150 per person, then I will try to give as close to that as possible. Everyone in my family does it, so it doesn’t seem like a weird thing. I definitely think it’s regional.
Post # 12
I had never heard of that before. How are you supposed to know how expensive someone’s meal was? For me, it depends on who is getting married and how good out relationship is.
Post # 13
So I just heard of this rule on this site a little while ago and not to offend anyone but it sounds very petty and kind of rude. A bride and groom or their family throws a wedding to invite all that are close to them to be a part of their day. As a guest I have always felt honored to be invited. Basing the cost of my gift on how much money I think they shelled out on my experience there seems ridiculous to me. It’s as if it matters more how much money they spent on me as a guest on the day rather than the couple. Not everyone can afford to throw a wedding for tens of thousands of dollars, and frankly, based on calculations, I wouldnt be able to afford to gift those of us lucky enough to spend hundreds of thousands on theirs! I think a gift should be based on what you can afford, and how dear the couple is to you. At least those are parameters that have some heart in them instead of just dollar signs!
PS. this of course, is as long as the couple would want their guests to come regardless of what kind of gift they can give. I read a few places of brides preferring a guest not to show up at all rather than come and bring a gift that costs less than their plate. In the face of that unseemly sentiment, I as a guest would rather not go!
Post # 14
I actually think this is in pretty poor taste. The point of a gift is to celebrate a marriage, not to buy your admission to the wedding. Plus, people throwing a less expensive wedding don’t deserve any less of a present! I have a general rule of thumb for how much to spend and then I do something nicer for closer friends.
Post # 15
Wow, and I just used the calculator and it gave me a figures for upcoming weddings are at least twice what I’d probably spend. Who made this up anyway?
Post # 16
So, to keep up the conversation, I purposefully phrased this from the guest’s point of view, not from the couple’s. So, to those who don’t like the rule (I am agnostic), do you think it is in poor taste for the gift giver to follow it?
Now, truth be told, I haven’t attended a really lavish wedding as an adult, so I haven’t confronted the situation, but I honestly do think I would probably give a more expensive gift than I normally would if it were a super lavish affair. I have my own guidelines based on my income that I follow. I give the same for punch and cake weddings as I do for the usual formalish but not extravagent weddings I go to. But I would probably tend towards the higher end for something shmancy. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure that is actually defensible, and I would love to hear your thoughts (especially since it is hypothetical, so it isn’t like I would be offended if yall think I’m crazy.)