- 2 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
So, I’m about 5’3 and weigh 100lbs. I love to cook and I make most of our meals from scratch. This way, we can eat the foods we love and crave, but they’re free of added sugar/preservatives/dyes/chemicals/etc and are healthier. I struggled with a severe eating disorder in high school and college and it took me so long to love food and the process of growing and preparing food, so I appreciate it ten times more than most. I missed out on years of incredible food and I’m making up for it now. This is the first time in my life that I have actually been really healthy and balanced. I don’t weigh myself (I only know because i had to be weighed for a healthy program at my work tied into my insurance benefits), I don’t count calories, I use full fat dairy when I cook without even thinking twice, and I am active but I don’t schedule “workouts” per se. We do a lot of hiking, kayaking, swimming, etc. with our dog as hobbies as opposed to exercise. My doctors all know my lifestyle and my previous struggles and not a single one is concerned. My set point weight is between 100-115 and has been ever since I got through puberty. All of my aunts, female cousins, and my mom went through the same weight fluctuations of blowing up during puberty and settling in the same 100-115lb range. We are all within 2inches of one another’s heights as well. This is just normal for us.
I was diagnosed with PCOS two years ago after coming off the pill and growing body/facial hair (thank the lord I’m blonde!), gaining a little bit of weight (nothing cpared to what most of my Cysters with PCOS go through so I’m not complaining I promise!), and having each cycle become a few days longer every month. I was misdiagnosed for months because of my thin stature and the fact that I’m a ninja with body hair removal as I’ve been doing it forever. My history that matched the disorder was being an overweight preteen when puberty hit, having body hair, and having really painful and intense periods. I was lucky that they were regular but they were HORRIBLE.
To tie this all together, I have suffered intense blows to my self esteem due to having PCOS. I have felt like I’m less of a woman because my body doesn’t do the most basic woman thing and ovulate. I felt extremely unattractive and like less of a person. I have had people tell me I’m “so lucky to have no curves” or “so lucky you don’t have boobs!” in jest. I have tried on endless amounts of clothing/bathing suits/underwear and felt like everything is made for a body type I don’t have– i.e. osmeone with breasts and an ass. Trying to find lingerie for my wedding was torture.. I looked like a little girl playing dress up. Ironically enough, the time in my life that I have been healthiest with food/nutrition/excercise/my outward body appearance, I feel the absolute worst about my body function. After years of wanting zero curves, I now know that my lack of breasts/hips/ass are directly related to a physiological failure that I can’t change by altering my diet or exercise or just plain wishing.
So the point is this– there’s a woman at work who drives me insane and always has an opinion about everything. She is desperate to be included (see previous post where she emailed me the day after we got engaged to invite herself ot my wedding), but the minute you give her an inch, she’s calling you at home after looking your number up in the work system. I have distanced myself greatly but still see her daily during the week. Yesterday, she came out to our lobby adn saw me talking to the nursing supervisor by the doro. She exclaimed that she “thought I was a child patient trying to leave!” I didn’t say anything but she walked around the counter of the reception desk and proceededto tell another employee that I am “annorexic”. WHen the other woman said “No, she’s not”, she went on to explain that “No adult woman looks like that. That is the body of an underdeveloped child.” The other employee said “her mother is built the same way..” and she retorted, “Yes well she had cancer and was on chemo so she has a reason. I’m telling you,its anorexia. THere’s no other way a female body would look like that. I’m very close to going to HR to tell them about it.”
I had to go to dinner with my husbands family that night and I am the only woma–excuse me..I am the only CHILD without babies. I ordered a water because I’ve been sick and someone immediately said something like “OHHHH LOOK WHO IS DRINKING A WATER!!! WATER HAS NO ALCOHOL SO I KNOW WHAT THAT MEAAAAAAANS!” I felt like I was going ot throw up because we hadn’t seen them since our recent wedding and already the baby comments are coming and I was told I probably won’t get pregnant without treatment and I’m already just so insecure about all of it. I know this is normal but these comments are so so hurtful and stressful to couples who are facing infertility. That on top of the other comments about how I’m not a woman jut wrecked me last night. I want a baby so badly but I am starting a new job and we have to wait to start trying with our RE. Now I’m just at step one feeling the way I did right after being diagnosed.
Can any small framed bees relate? Anyone with PCOS feel this way? Anyone want to tell me that all bodies are beautiful? Anybody else really tired of songs saying “Fuck them skinny bitches” or talking about how “only dogs want bones”? I’m so sick of how we, as women, have to constantly deal with the opinions and evaluations of other people on our bodies. It isn’t right.