Coworker HOUNDING me to get pregnant and makes SHOCKING suggestion

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Armina33:  I think this is going into the category of sexual harassment.  I would tell her directly that you’re not going to talk about it any more and it is making you uncomfortable.  If she continues, I’d escalate to my immediate supervisor/HR.

Post # 4
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

@Polygon:  I was going to say exactly this. Lay out the rules, that it is now a private issue between you and your husband only. Let her know that if she tries to talk about it again, you will need to go to HR. And follow through if she does.

Post # 5
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Um, she said that to you and you’re worried about HER feelings? No. No, no, no. You say this. “Sally, I need you to know that what you suggested to me was insulting and inappropriate. Going forward, I am going to keep any discussions about my fertility between myself and my husband. Please respect this.”

Post # 6
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Armina33:  That’s AWFUL. As hard as it may be if she can’t respect your wishes regarding not discussing something so personal she isn’t a very good friend. Giving advice to a friend who just got married and advising you to have an affair just to have a child you initially weren’t sure you wanted? Oh hell no. If she won’t respect you a) not a friend b) a little crazy c) talk to your boss

Post # 7
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Armina33:  This lady is not a “friend”. I would avoid her like the plague.

Post # 8
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Armina33:  you need to put a stop to this. Tell her TTC is stressful and stress makes it harder so she’s not helping. Then say you are keeping it between you and your husband and the next time you will discuss it with her, you will be past your first trimester. 

Post # 12
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree that you need to be more forceful with her, even if that includes getting HR involved. She is borderline harassing you, and that is not ok. Next time she says something, say firmly:

“I will not be participating in any more discussions about TTC with you. If you continue to press the issue, I will have to get HR involved.”

And then follow through. These are her issues, not yours, and you need to care for yourself right now.

Post # 13
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Armina33: You say some or all of the following: “I shared details about something that is very painful to me, and got no support from you. You’ve haven’t been respecting my wishes around any of this, and talking to you has become very upsetting to me. I value our friendship, but I will not discuss any of this with you any longer. If you feel like you cannot participate in this friendship without bringing it up, you will be driving me away because I refuse to engage in discussions about me TTC.”

I get why you wouldn’t want to get HR involved–that could definitely get messy. But you’ve got to stand up for yourself in this and let go of any guilt or blame you’ve assigned yourself for sharing details with your “friend.” It seems perfectly reasonable to me that you thought you could trust her, given your history. You had no idea she’d turn into an obsessive asshole. That’s on her, not on you.

Post # 14
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Armina33:  Ouch, touchy situation. I totally get how difficult it is that you used to confide in her. It’s sad she is ruining your relationship by being so invasive. Maybe show her your vulnerable, emotional side and appeal to her empathy? Tell her how it’s making you feel, how it hurts to be pressured to get pregnant immediately when you are trying and your DH does have issues. How it hurt you when she suggested you cheat because that is not in your value system. That you care about her & what she thinks and it hurts to have her think you could even do this.

If it’s a cultural thing (I’m half French, I get it…they are very liberal about some things) explain that you just don’t work that way. Appeal to her as a woman & friend, tell her you miss being able to confide in her. It just may work. Many TTC woman can obsessively talk about it if they have someone they trust, so maybe she thinks you want to talk about it all the time?

I personally wouldn’t go to HR, especially if you don’t truly feel that it is harassment. I think that is a pretty big step to take against someone who is a friend and in whom you’ve confided in. If you make a complaint against her, you have to be willing to stand by it completely and in this case I believe that whether it is harassment is subjective, some will see it as invasive and some as harassing.

She obviously has offered you kindness, friendship and support in the past and you may be able to get back to that point. It’s obvious she really regrets her life choices and wants you to avoid the same pain because she cares about you. She is just going about it all wrong. Good luck!

 

Post # 15
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

@Armina33:  I wouldn’t make it accusing or anything, just “Well, I’m not really comfortable sharing our medical information anymore. It’s very personal, and I’d like to keep it just between Husband and I. I know you’re excited, and it’s very sweet, but I’m sorry and I’d like to just keep it private for now.”

Post # 16
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have an out of office discussion with her. Tell her her advice, suggestions, and constant nagging is overwhelming and has crossed the line. Her obsession with your fertility is causing a major rift on the friendship you value. Let her know that you are no longer discussing your marriage or TTC with her at work or outside of work. Period. 

Set boundaries with her.

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