Crazy back and forth feelings about getting married….

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you are thinking about it this much and you aren’t even engaged yet I would say that it is definitely something to consider when he does pop the question. I’m not sure that I have any advice for you other than to go with your gut. I also completely agree with all three of your issues, especially the porn. Good luck on figuring everthing out!

Post # 3
24 posts

I’m not an expert at this, but I’ll give it a go.

If/when he proposes, I’d decline…for now. I think what you need is some pre-marriage counseling. I think only then you’ll get to the root of the problem. It almost seems that he wants to be single. And, you are absolutely right about his debt. If I know laws right, his debt becomes your debt (and vice versa).

Don’t let him brush this under the rug. It’ll only get worse over time. You need to handle this now before it turns into adisasterous marriage.  I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 4
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

Do you guys live together? If so, I’d suggest a few things:

1) Have a heart to heart and ask him to hear you out. He is important to you and his drinking and behavior is unacceptable in a relationship. He clearly has problems, and if he doesn’t stop and seek help now, then you are going to have to do what’s best for you and leave. 

2)  Get counseling. Great if he does with you but you need help to support you during this transition. It won’t be easy for him if he does choose to change but he has to be willing to and it doesn’t sound like he wants to. Go to AA meetings to learn more, if you have to. 

3) Have an exit plan. Get your own bank account if they are combined, plan to move, and plan to move on if he’s not willing to help himself. You can feel like you want the change enough for both of you but if he’s not willing to help himself, you have to let go. 

I’m so sorry you are in this position. I know it took me actually leaving my first husband and filing for divorce before he broke down and finally agreed to counseling. It crushed me. He gave up on counseling and went back to his ways a few months in and even our marriage counselor told us to just get divorced. He still to this day says he wished he could be the husband that I deserved to have but he doesn’t have it in him. Clearly I was not as important to him as I thought. I had to start over with 2 kids at 37 and I never thought I’d find someone again. Yet here I am engaged to a wonderful man who went through the same things and he IS the man that I deserve. 

You have to look out for you. There ARE other men out there that will cherish you for all you are. You deserve to be respected and be the priority in someone’s life. If he chooses not to do it for you, then he is not the right one.

Post # 5
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Absolutely, these are dealbreakers, and primarily because of his attitude toward them.  For one, having 1-2 drinks per day and more on the weekends is concerning.  If he wants them for “winding down” purposes, then since he’s drinking daily, he will progressively need more over time to get that feeling.  My best friend recently left a relationship where this exact thing happened–it went from 1-2 drinks on the weekdays to 6 or more drinks a day.  Alcohol is NO joke.

Second, money is a BIG issue in marriage–I never dreamed what a big deal it would be before DH and I moved in together!  We’re both very good money managers, and we STILL have conflicts over individual financial issues (invest vs. not invest, rent or buy a house).  The main problem, though, is the “surprise” $8,000 credit card debt, the most expensive debt there is.  I’d be worried about future surprises down the road, even bigger ones.

Finally, I think if you’re not ok with porn, your partner needs to accept that he can’t have his cake and eat it too.  He needs to choose you or the porn, and that’s that.

Not to be harsh, but he sounds immature at best, and a selfish ass at worst.  Even if he has wonderful qualities apart from these 3 issues, the daily alcohol intake alone would cause DAILY relationship strife.  You can’t allow him to blame you for his turning to drinking and porn.  My best friend’s ex said the same thing to her about his drinking, and now that she’s left him, he hasn’t stopped (meaning, it was never her to begin with).

I would take MrsTtoB’s advice above.  Please give these problems the serious consideration they deserve, and don’t make a lifetime commitment to him until he proves to you he’s ready for a drastic change!  The things you are asking for are completely reasonable, justified and necessary for a successful marriage.  

Post # 7
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

beebee024:  You can do this. You may not see it now and you may find yourself muddling through, but it seems even you know it’s for the best. The hardest part is making the decision and following through with it. You are stronger than you know you are. You always have us to talk to if you need it. ((( Big Hug )))

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