Weddingbee boards

Ok, so I need some hive opinions here.  To give a bit of background.  This is regarding one of FI's oldest high school friends.  We decided like many people getting married to limit the plus ones.  Only for married people, engaged, living together or dating more than one year.  I personally think that is quite reasonable.  This particular girl has been dating this guy for roughly 7 months.  We've never met him (not that we didn't want to but she lives in a far away state).  She and FI only email occasionally these days. 

Before we sent out our invites, FI gets an email from her saying, "so, 'Joe' is going to score an invite right?'  FI responded saying he was really sorry that we wouldn't be able to invite him and explained our constraints and our rules.  We then sent out our invites, and didn't hear back from her.  FI sends another email saying hey, how are you-hope you're getting your mail, haven't gotten your RSVP yet.  Nothing in response for several weeks.  He emails agian, hey you never responded.  We then get an angry email saying how mad she is about the whole thing, saying, don't we want to meet this guy, etc.  FI says, well of course, but is our wedding really the best time for that, if he's important to you which he obviously is we want to meet him for real! Plus, he outlined our constraints again and apologized and said we would invite him if we got more no's than we expected!  She then writes the following email:

You're right, meeting 'Joe' on your wedding day is not ideal--you'll only have a few minutes for me/us. I almost didn't even include that bit for that very reason. But that's exactly why you should take the experience of your guests into consideration--they will only see you for a few minutes, so as much as you'd like to think it's all about the couple getting married, it's not really. I have absolutely no interest in driving 8 hours in one weekend so I can make small talk with obviously friendly people I'll never see again and talk to you for few minutes. And while the 'Smiths' are lovely, neither am I interested in driving 8 hours for them. Let's be honest--while you'd be hurt because you'd feel that I don't think attending your wedding is an important enough reason to spend a weekend away from 'my city' during recruiting season, your wedding experience would be in no way altered by my presence or lack thereof. I'm sure you think that this is the wrong attitude, but I view weddings primarily as an opportunity to catch up with other wedding guests, not with the bride and groom precisely for the reason you pointed out. So if I'm not going to see anyone I have a huge desire to catch up with, I'm unlikely to attend. I was, however, willing to use your wedding as an excuse to bring 'Joe' to Cincinnati to introduce him to my parents and to see 'our mutual friend, Emily'.

Here's what it comes down to--you made a choice that I don't agree with and that impacts my ability to enjoy the weekend. I understand that it's your wedding and you are the one who gets to make the choices. I certainly am not trying to browbeat you into inviting 'Joe'. But you're implying you had no way around your decisions, and that's just not true."

I MEAN REALLY?!!!!!!!!!! WHO SAYS THIS TO SOMEONE?! So FI responds and is extremely hurt saying, well basically you obviously didn't even want to come unless you could be killing two birds with one stone' and we had said we would invite him IF WE COULD.  And if she had picked up the phone and said to him, this is really important to me, and i would feel more comfortalbe WE WOULD HAVE OF COURSE INVITED HIM.

OK, thank you if you made it that far.  Could someone tell me if we're overreacting? I mean the problem now is, if we cave and invite him then it's going to be super awkward, and if we don't either she won't show up (maybe good at this point) or she will and be super pissed. UGH!

I honestly don't know what type of recruiting.  FI really wanted to reply, 'F you, then don't come'  I think the friendship might be done...

Is she serious? This girl is no friend of your FH's. Just drop it and hope she doesn't show. What a nutjob.

I know what you mean Lorenna, and honestly like I said if she had called and said, hey you know I would really like to bring Joe, I think I'll feel more comfortable etc, and this is really important to me we totally would have.  But now...yeah.  I just hate it because FI is sick over this.  He feels horrible, and angry and etc.  I just want to smack this girl!

I'm going to start by saying that her e-mail does sound a little crazy but at the same time, she might not be COMPLETLY wrong.

It sounds like your fiance might have gone overboard when he was explaining to her why her BF couldn't come.  Maybe he said several times that he would love to have "joe" there but that his hands were tied and that there were guest list limitations.  She is correct in stating that you guys choose a smaller wedding but she is wrong to imply that there is anything wrong with that!!  To me it sounds like she is mostly angry about the excuses that your husband gave. 

You said that "And if she had picked up the phone and said to him, this is really important to me, and i would feel more comfortalbe WE WOULD HAVE OF COURSE INVITED HIM." but it sounds like she did express to you both that this was important to her when she asked several times if she could bring him.

It's difficult to draw a line on the +1s and I understand someone feeling hurt b/c their 7 month relationship isn't viewed as important as a relationship only 5 months longer.  I also understand that driving 8 hours to a wedding by yourself must suck.  However, she was TOTALLY out of line with her e-mail and should have accepted your proposal to include him if you get enough NOs.

I would respond to the e-mail and tell her that you did sacrifice guestlist for a wedding that you want and that she has no right to judge you for that. 

You know it's true, she said she wanted to bring him...but I think what made us respond a bit defensively is she didn't pick up the phone to express how important it was to us, she sent us a rude email saying that all of our wedding choices are selfish.  Maybe we went into too much detail saying why it was difficult for us to invite him, but we had said that we would try!  I feel like if she had handled it differently and said, thank you I would really appreciate it if he could come as I feel like I don't know that many people (she does know people and its in her hometown btw where she can stay with her parents!!)...I don't know.  I realize we are partly at fault, I am just appalled by her response!

Thank you all for your support, I really appreciate it.  I do know where she's coming from, but I just don't understand her approach!!  (not to mention she DOES know people at the wedding!)  THis all just sucks because I already lost an old friend because she told me she didn't like my FI, and still assumed she'd be my MOH! I had told her I didn't feel comfortable since she obviously didn't support our marriage, and she has not talked to me since! 

What is it about weddings that brings out the worst in some people?

Pmerr, you're from Rochester?!  Me too!!! I went to BHS :)

So I showed FI all the responses.  He said "I like these people, but of course they are planning a wedding, so they get it more." :) 

 
"Also he wanted to clarify that this is an 8 hour ROUNDTRIP drive she would be making and he also said "And yes, she never indicated how important it was to her until the tirade, up until then it was the one line in the email, my first response saying we were sorry but would try, and then a month and half of silence..."

Anyway, thanks for all your support guys! It means a lot to me and FI! :)

The way she emailed it and the tone weren't right.  At the same time, it was the truth - we all make decisions in our planning about priorities.  I have been in her shoes where my boyfriend of 4 years wouldn't be invited as my date because we weren't engaged or living together (which we felt was against our moral code).  I went to one wedding by myself where I didn't know anyone else, and vowed that I wouldn't be doing that again - it was very lonely for me.  My now FI also felt slighted because he knew the bride and groom.  Since we were particularly sensitive to the issue, we decided that inviting all of our guests with dates was a priority for us.  We have had to cut back on other things, but it was important for us since so many of our guests were coming from out of town and we didn't want them to have to travel alone, sit alone, stay in a hotel alone etc. 

I think it's perfectly fine to make the decision you all did.  She should have accepted it and politely declined the invitation.  I don't defend her for her response, but I understand where she was coming from.