Crazy family drama: what would you do?

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Would you ever do this as a parent/caretaker?

Crazy family drama: what would you do?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships

Member

4,416 posts

Honey bee

Ember78 December 15, 2012

I have a friend whose situation sounds more like the plot of a bad Lifetime movie and she has no clue what to do about it. Long story short, she had a really messed up childhood (father was a drug dealer who stole her away from her mother and was raised by maternal grandmother who was a murder as well as a drug dealer, both of whom were fanatically religious to the point where this girl was scared to breathe wrong) and it affected her young adult life in a bad way as a result. Due to the brainwashing she received, she was taught to believe that her mother never existed and that she supposedly hated the woman she'd barely met a few times after that. Just last yr sometime (she's barely 30 now), she reconnected with her mother and wanted to rekindle the relationship, which makes perfect sense. However, she has said her mother is crazy with guilt trips and other drama that makes her question her intent on finding her in the first place, especially since they are the only family each other has. Also, it doesn't help this poor girl that she was denied the education of basic life skills on how to survive in the real world on her own, which has bit her in the butt worse than it does most people. She's out of her mind with grief right now since her mom is not going to be around forever and constantly reminds her of such, yet her mother believes that she refuses to take responsibility for herself, which anyone who knows this girl knows is not true. But she wants her mother's acceptance so badly that it's taken over her (and her mom had to take care of herself from the age of 11 out of necessity and doesn't understand why no one else is capable of the same). The most recent new is that the mother said they can have a relationship if the girl turns her life around, which is understandable, but says she needs physical proof of it because this girl has had bad experiences in the past where she tended to give up when it got too stressful. What kind of physical evidence would one possibly provide? A printout of paystubs maybe? No idea.

For those who grew up without a parent, would you put yourself through this? I don't even know what to say to her to make her feel better because it's eating at her so badly.

4 months ago

Member

1,969 posts

Buzzing bee

burris4 December 16, 2004 Illinois

I am not sure what I think. I am tempted, to believe that her mother's intentions are good do to the probability at being brainwashed against her mother shades the way she sees her. I think you should encourage her to take positive steps toward independence and progress, but be careful not to fall into co-dependancy with her. She does need to understand that although people love her, it is not unfair of them to have standards against associating with unhealthy people. I think her appearing healthy and content would be proof enough.

4 months ago

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1,123 posts

Bumble bee

Moja Milosc September 24, 2011

I think if her mother wants proof of improvement she should get them both into counseling together and separate. I think her mom is expecting a bitttt too much from her expecting her to be fully functioning and well adjusted after what she's been through. A therapist would help her mother see that she can't just change overnight, and that it will take a lot for her to trust her mother again after how she was raised. Her mom is making it all about her, which makes me wonder if this relationship will ever be a healthy one. But I can't imagine how it would feel to have no family at all so I understand her desire to be close with her mother.

4 months ago