Post # 1
I’m 30 and FI is 33. We unofficially moved in at 4 months. Offically at 6. Taked engagement at 8. Bought rings at 1 year. Were engaged at 14 months. We’re having a long engagement and will be married on our 40th month anniversery. We got comments about moving to fast… which I could see up until the point we held off on the actual wedding date.
My little cousin is 18 he isn’t a ton older. Brought a surprise boyfriend to Christmas no one knew she had (she met him a few days before) but he had no where to go so OK… we take in strays at Christmas and I can get over this. In January they moved in… which ok… they are young and saving money. Valentines day they are engaged? WTF? I wasn’t even perparing to officially commit him as a possible plus one after the move in because it was too soon.
The most rediculous part is her parents are elated. (part of my family that was only slightly interested in my engagement). I haven’t even been able to respond as I’m at a place of either not taking it seriously and see what happens vs taking it seriously and going over there and smacking her. I HOPE she’s having a long engagement but I can’t even ask her because I don’t even want to acknologe it.
Is there any chance in heck I’m being too critical about this? There is a big arguement about this not being my business and another wedding in the family takes some of the wedding pressure from me since I’m not a wedding person really (we haven’t had one since the 90s… it’s like the first boy that was born in 20 years after a dozen little girls) or it is part of family’s job to sit eachother down and talk about stuff? Even if it’s just subtile like involving her in my wedding prep with injection of how big a deal it is in attempts to make her think about some of this.
Post # 3
i think it’s different for older couples and younger couples.
My FI’s 19 year old son is freaking out because we got engaged 6 months after we first met, and are getting married 6 months after that. But we’re 40+.
If HE did that, it would be nerve wracking. HOWEVER.. if a young couple is mature and committed… and the parents see how he treats her etc… and they have no concerns, then marriage is to be celebrated.
If they’re both immature and just kids… all you can do is hope they ‘get it’ before they get married, and FOR SURE if they wind up getting married. It’ll be a rough ride, and hopefully they grow into it.
Post # 4
I think trying to involve her in your wedding stuff isn’t going to stress its seriousness – I think it will do the opposite. She’ll rather go plan her wedding and be even more excited about it.
You just have to hope they’ll see what a huge mistake they’re making. Nothing you can do about it.
Post # 5
@Pele: I think getting engaged quickly at such a young age is a mistake, but it’s not your business. If anyone should say something it is her parents (if she was my daughter I’d give her a long talk at the very least). But extended family like you – no, don’t criticise, just support her.
Your comment about wedding prep puzzles me – a wedding is nothing, easy peasey. Telling her how big a wedding is proves nothing. It’s just a big party and some people are good party planners. It’s a marriage which is hard.
Perhaps she’s pregnant and they feel it’s the best thing to do.
So anyway, I think you should be non judgemental and (if it comes up) supportive. (And needless to say, invite him to the wedding if you’re inviting her).
Post # 6
While I don’t think it’s good to rush into any marriage regardless of age, you may just have to let this run its course. She may be young, but she’s legally an adult and can make her own decisions. If it’s not right and she’s a smart girl, she’ll realize that and break things off. If not and it’s not a good match, they’ll learn a lesson out of it. However, who knows? It could work out well. My cousin got engaged after 3 months (she met the guy literally the night before my husband and I became engaged in Nov 2012) and then married 3 months later. They’d been together right around 7 months at their wedding. Even though they are older (both 28/29) it was too fast for my taste, but I didn’t matter in this. I would just let it unfold and only comment if asked by her or him directly.
Post # 7
@Pele: Age is a factor. We were engaged 11 months after meeting and will be married 25 months after meeting. Not a single person batted an eye when we announced our engagement, but then again we are in our early and mid 30’s. If we had been in our early 20’s I am positive the reaction would have been much different.
Post # 8
@Ellyloo: +1 Once you hit 30 or almost 30 you have a good idea of what you want and need in a partner. Also – I don’t think 14 months is that fast.
EDIT: Clearly I missed the whole last section. I read that and was like why is that fast? Yes… I would be very concerned. But at the same time, she’s an “adult” now and can make her own decisions if if they are mistakes. Hopefully they are having a long engagement?
Post # 9
I don’t think “fast engagements” are all doom-and-gloom, as some might like to paint them out to be, personally.
Post # 10
Are you close with your cousin? If so, I dont think it’s inappropriate to sit her down and ask her if she’s really ready. I get that your own relationship moved fairly quickly, but its not about judging her or telling her she’s stupid, it’s real concern. If youre not close, you might just have to watch this unfold.
Post # 11
@Pele: Your time line is nearly identical to ours, I’m 34, he’s 38.
I agree that it’s a different ball game when you’re older and it’s not your first time at the rodeo.
But yeah, let her relationship run its course. Some people gotta learn the hard way.
Post # 12
@Pele: This would worry me too. I’d let it ride and the chips will fall where they may. I’d congratulate her, but casually, like over Facebook. Just to kinda open the door, then if things fall apart she can come talk to you if she wants.
Hopefully the guy is a good guy. I had a cousin get engaged quickly (after 10 months) once too, but under veeery different circumstances:
-had known each other for 15+ years
-were both 30ish
-are both generally stable and responsible people
-seem really perfect together, fantastic match
They’ve been married 3 years or so now and are an awesome couple. When they got engaged, I actually didn’t even question it! Maybe… your cousin and her guy make a similarly great couple and that’s why her family is happy…? …Eh, still so young though. Her age alone would worry me. 🙁
Post # 13
Engaged at a year and ten days and married around 20 months…
Post # 14
@Pele: FI is 37 and I am 28. We lived together unofficially 2 months into the relationship (moving back and forth from his place to mine) and moved in officially at 5 months (he left his city, everything behind to follow me in my area). Got unofficially engaged at 11 months, announced it to our parents 13 months, and getting married in 1.5 year from now though, mostly because of money issue (I’m a ph.d student, he just went back to college to get a degree). Everything just went naturally, we knew what we wanted as older and more ”established” individuals, we didn’t think it was worth waiting just for the sake of waiting. However, I would never have moved so fast in my early 20s, no way. My parents would have freaked out, even if I was an adult. I had moved in with my ex after 3.5 years of dating and it wasn’t always smooth sailing, let me tell you that ! Adjusting to living together was a big challenge for us. But with FI, everything has been so incredibly easy. Experience and maturity can make a huge difference. I think I wasn’t ready in my early 20s, but on a positive note, I did learn a lot and it made me a better partner !
Post # 15
I am in a similar situation too: I’ve known SO for 7+ years before we got together, it’s been now 9 months of official dating, we’ve been living together for 4 months and we plan to get married on our 2 year anniversary.
We are 27, are best friends since highschool, our parents and siblings know each other…
I do feel too that while WB is an awesome place for a lot of things and a great place to get support but fast engagement seems to be badly perceived.
Post # 16
@Pele: I got married young and struggle to not think oddly of people who rush marriage.
My MIL married my FIL after knowing each other for 14 months….They are both in their mid 50’s and the rushed marrriage has proven itself to not be a great idea. At 30 you may know what you want but that doesn’t mean you know your partner fits the bill after a few months.
Everybody is different. Getting married young was natural for me but I can’t imagine marrying quickly after meeting my partner. Others obviously think getting married quickly is okay but that it depends on the couples age. There are even others who do not think you should marry young OR marry quickly.
This isn’t your business and you need to stay out of it. I am sure your cousin understands that everyone thinks they will fail and knows that most will predict divorce.