Post # 1
I read this on another thread and it exactly captured my feelings: “If you know there’s going to be a wedding at some point then there’s no need for an ultimatum, but some women I have to say do need to give one at some point because it’s like being stuck in some sort of limbo.”
This is exactly what it’s like for me, and probably for many other women. I don’t know if there’s ever going to be a wedding, and I do feel like I’m in limbo. Until he proposes I don’t know if we’ll be together in the long term. I can’t plan more than 6-12 months ahead because I don’t even know if we’ll still be a couple then. We can’t buy a house together and choose our own furniture and stuff because I don’t know if we’re staying together, and I certainly don’t feel secure enough to have a baby without being married. I want a committed relationship but feel like I’m holding back, because until he proposes I don’t know if this is the person who I’ll spend my life with. It feels like the decision of who’ll be my life partner is out of my hands – I’m willing to choose him but might still end up having to walk away if he doesn’t also choose me.
So all of these big life goals are on hold indefinitely until he decides whether he wants to marry me or not, and I can only wait for so long otherwise I’m not leaving myself enough time to have those things with someone else if he decides he doesn’t want to marry me. I want to move forward with my life and I’m getting impatient about him constantly stalling. I’m worried that I’ll waste years waiting and he’ll eventually admit he doesn’t want to marry me, then he’ll move on and get engaged to some other girl within a year, while I’m still alone and probably childless because he wasted my remaining fertile years.
Am I just crazy with the waiting, or does this sound familiar?
Post # 3
Sounds very familiar to me!! I have kids from my previous marriage so I don’t have that to worry about but like you I have everything on hold. I want a house, a home where my kids and I can put roots down but SO and I are in different towns so if I buy one we can’t easily be together if he ever proposes. I need to buy a car because I have been borrowing my parents second vehicle and I plan on buying one in the spring and it will be a junker but it will be mine! SO says that we will cross that bridge together when the time comes. I am not ok with him helping me with big purchases unless we are married. So you definitely aren’t alone! The waiting game would be easier if it was just about the relationship and not every other aspect of our lives…
Post # 4
Hey i understand your frustration, and your sense of having trouble moving forward while in limbo…
BUT I feel like maybe you shouldn’t even be with your SO if you don’t know if he is the one for you UNLESS he proposes… I just don’t feel like it is a conditional thing. You either love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him or you do not. It should never ever depend on getting a ring.
I can understand much more if you KNOW that he is the one for you and you are frustrated and confused as to why he is waiting a long time.. but that is very different than saying that you do not want to plan or say that you will even be together 6 months from now.
I am sorry, but the way that I am reading this makes me feel like you need to really consider your relationship and get your feelings for your SO in check. Realistically, engagement does not change the relationship, and if you are not sure he is the one now what makes you think he will be the one for you then?
The quote that you have used I believe you have missed the first part of… where this bee KNEW there would be a wedding but is in limbo waiting.. whereas you dont even know if there will be a wedding..
Sorry if I have offended anyone, it is simply my opinion coming from the fact that no matter what one should know that their life partner is just that.. regardless of anything else. That is what marriage is all about right? It is not about the sweet proposal or the wedding day or the sparkly (as important and fun as those are) it is all just a symbol for the strong undying relationship.
Post # 5
I feel more crazy with waiting because I KNOW the proposal is coming and it’s like waiting for someone to pull and April Fool’s joke on you any-day-now and you know it’s going to be a doozy but you just don’t know WHEN.
OMGOSH I could punch myself in the face with anticipation.
No, I really could.
I have small, fat hands, but I could make it work.
Post # 6
It’s true that a proposal is traditionally left up to the guy, but getting married or not is a decision you should make together! You shouldn’t be left out of it.
How have conversations about the future and your plans together gone in the past? Have you asked him where he wants to be in x number of years? What his life goals are?
Waiting is hard enough when you know it is coming for sure, but waiting without being certain has to be excruciating. Let him know how you are feeling.
Post # 7
@Torrid: agreed!!!!! ( I also have small fat hands, but that won’t stop me either!)
Post # 8
I will add that besides what PP’s said about talking to him about marriage and where he sees your relationship going, don’t put your life on hold! I repeat, DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD.
If for some reason your relationship falls through, or even if it doesn’t you will regret not following your dreams. Even when people get married, while they share goals and commitments, it’s still healthy to have individual goals and dreams. And you should pursue yours! It will help keep you distracted from waiting, and accomplishing goals always makes people feel great. It’s your life…live it! If he loves you, he will support you.
I know it’s hard waiting, but don’t shut down because of it. Once you pick yourself up and start doing your own thing, trust me, he’ll notice. And he’ll be intrigued. But don’t give up your plans, especially for someone that hasn’t had a clear discussion with you about marriage!
Post # 9
I am so sorry about this frustrating situation you’re in. It’s not cool being stuck in limbo and not being able to plan for any sort of future.
The way you said that you can’t even plan more that 6-12 months in advance because you don’t know if you’ll even be together has me a little worried. I think that you should know if it’s the person you want to spend the rest of your life with before you get a proposal.
I definitely don’t want to offend you either, but I agree with the PP. You may need to wait longer than you like for a proposal, but at least you should be able to know if both of you want the other in your lives permanently before you start thinking about getting married.
I wish you both the best. Maybe the two of you need to have a talk about how far down the road you see being with the other at this point in your relationship. If he’s making mental plans to have you go on a trip together five years down the road, at least you know he wants you in his life for the foreseeable future
Post # 10
@wildflowerbee: I don’t really agree with what you and the other PP said. I don’t think OP should already know if she wants to spend the rest of her life with SO before waiting for a proposal. To me, it sounds like this is a problem about commitment, not about the actual ring.
I love my Fiance to pieces, but if he wasn’t ready to get married, or if he wasn’t the marrying type, I most definitely would have broken up with him. A relationship is a two-way street and it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone when they aren’t sure if they want to spend the rest of their lives with you.
It seems like OP really needs to talk with her SO. It sounds like they are in very different places, where she knows he’s the one for her, but he is still undecided. I don’t think any woman should have to wait around forever. You shouldn’t be with someone who will never be able to commit to you. The actual proposal or the actual marriage contract may not matter that much – but your SO should at some point let you know that he’s thinking about being with you til death do you part. Fiance and I were always clear that we were looking for a committed, life-long relationship. Way before the proposal happened, Fiance and I had already committed to spending our lives together. OP deserves the same. I think this is especially true if you want children – it’s just not possible to bring kids into an unstable relationship when their dad may, at any time, walk out on you.
Post # 11
@Gorjuss: How long have you been with him?
Personally at this point in my life I wouldn’t go more than a year without having some talk of marriage, and probably 2 years before a proposal (or at least strongly headed towards one).
This doesn’t sound like a very secure relationship. We all have insecurities sometimes, but I think the fact that you’re not making long-term plans together is a bit of a red flag.
Have you talked with him about all this? I think talking about the future is fair game, especially if you’re at the point where you’re worried that all your fertile years will be wasted on him
If you’re not prepared to issue an ultimatum (and there’s pros and cons to doing this), then at least make it very clear to him that you want to get married soon.. maybe even throw a date out there.. and if he doesn’t propose by then, just leave. Don’t threaten to leave… just do it. I think that it’s best if the guy proposes on his own accord, without being forced into it. I do agree that sometimes a perfectly good guy just needs a little nudge, but I think everyone should be with someone who WANTS to marry them.
Post # 12
@liliwo2016: I completely understand what you are saying and I agree.. the OP should absolutely talk to her SO about this.. communication is KEY. And I also agree that a commitment needs to be made, especially looking into the future with family kids etc. and that a girl cant wait forever.
My point is however, that a guy isnt marriage material JUST because he proposes. We should all know that our SO is THE ONE before the proposal not BECAUSE of the proposal..
Again, I think that having that conversation is really important here because you do not want to wait around and put your life on hold.. but you do need to know how you feel about your SO and exactly what you want befor having that conversation.
Post # 13
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. Life seems on hold until the engagement. I think you need to have a serious talk with him. You don’t want to waist your fertile years with someone if they don’t want to get married or haven’t made a decision. Sometimes I get so mad at the SO in these posts. They are so selfish and only thinking of themself. It doesn’t take all that long to figure out you can marry someone or not so don’t waist women’s time. I seriously would have a sit down with him and tell him that is how you feel. That since you don’t have a permanent committment from him your life is on hold and that isn’t fair so ask him what his intentions are with the future of your relationship. Tell him you choose him, but don’t know if he chooses you. You will feel better after that talk. He deserves to know how you feel and why you are upset.
Post # 14
@liliwo2016: +1. I have exactly the same fears as you, OP (from your post: I’m worried that I’ll waste years waiting and he’ll eventually admit he doesn’t want to marry me, then he’ll move on and get engaged to some other girl within a year, while I’m still alone and probably childless because he wasted my remaining fertile years) and many people here on this forum suggested an internal timeline, that I may or may not tell my SO, concerning when I need the relationship to move forward or I will have to start seriously thinking about leaving. relationships are a 2 way street and when your needs are no longer met, you need to voice that.
GOOD LUCK it is really hard!!
Post # 15
The way I see it, we’re not committed to each other ’till death do us part’ until there’s a ring on my finger. Until that point there’s still a possibility that I might have to walk away because he won’t meet my needs for marriage and children. I’d marry him tomorrow, I’d be perfectly happy to commit the rest of my life to him – but if he isn’t willing to make the same commitment then I’ll have to walk away. As another poster said, relationships are a two way street, and it doesn’t work if only one person is committed to having a future together.
If I choose him when he doesn’t choose me, and commit myself to him while he commits nothing, and give up my needs and life goals to stay with him – that isn’t love, it’s being a doormat. We’re in our early thirties and have been together a couple of years – I’ve set a timeline and he knows that he has another 18 months to make a decision about marriage, or I’ll assume he isn’t the marrying kind and will leave the relationship. I want us to commit to each other, but I can’t commit to him unless he commits to me at the same time.
At present my life is on hold. I want to buy a house and have a a baby, and plan my future with someone and give my all to him, and organise a wedding and celebrate our love with family and friends, but we can’t do any of those things until we’re committed to each other. Of course I can still move forward with my career and hobbies etc, but until we commit to each other I can’t move forward with my key life goals – and until we commit I can’t even say for sure whether this is the guy I’ll be doing those things with. That’s why I feel like I’m in limbo.
Post # 16
@Gorjuss: I totally see what you are saying .. I hope that everything works our for you and that he can give you that type of commitment that us girls need. You are right about this being a two way street.. hopefully he sees soon how much you want a life and a family with him and shares that with yo. Every girl deserves that if that is what they want fingers crossed for you