Post # 1
gosh. in laws and i are great friends. DH and i have been dating a total of 9 years in oct. within the last two years FIL has been huggy and touchy feelly. well the newest SIL is from mexico and it seemed to start then. where obviously hugging and kissing on the cheek is acceptable. in the last year i feel its gotten worse. i could go into detail but honestly dont feel like it. the other day i caught him eyeing me in a weird way. it was hot and i had a mini on. ive mentioned it to DH before. and we have blown it off. now its to the point that im so weirded out by it that i dont even want to see him. DH knows but doesnt want to be the one to tell him. so im going to but we know this will create a huge! shit storm. and possibly make his mom, the sweetest kindest woman in the world, so upset. because we know… she knows. i hate being in this situation. i have given him many nonverbal signs that i dont like for example my hair to be touched. but hes obviously ignored them. its come to the point that ive realized he knows what hes doing that has shocked and disgusted me. DH always knew his dad was a flirt but this is too far. there is a line between affectionate and …. creepy.
anyone else have this problem? even anything close would be helpfull. what was it like after you exposed the elephant in the room?
i hate that this has come to this. ive trying to ignore it because we all actually have a great time together. i think that maybe it has to do wtih him drinking too much. im not sure but i hate confrintation and dont think this will end good at all. im just so upset.
Post # 2
Your DH needs to man up. It’s his father. He needs to be the one to tell him.
If necessary, refuse to go to their house, forcing your husband to handle it without you present. But it is totally unacceptable that he is wimping out here. His family, his problem. Also, if you do it, there’s a chance he’ll deny it and you’ll end up looking like the bad daughter-in-law.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Country Cottage and Gardens
Don’t even get me started on his crazy in-laws. His dad has always been creepy. He overtly makes comments right in front of his mom all the time. Once we were at dinner and he was randomly like “you’re just so pretty. Even when you don’t have make up on.” It’s inappropriate how he acts and my FI makes jokes about it. Most of the time I just go along with him. We also lives states away so I only see them on holidays. But if it was something that I had to see them more often then I would demand that my FI say something. I think it’s his family so it’s his place. I would say it’s best for it to be a “man-man” thing where he just says something to him when they’re alone. Then hopefully the poor mom doesn’t need to know anything about it.
Post # 4
Oh sweetie, this is so awkward-I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I think your husband is the one who needs to do the talking. It could be that he has blinders on because it’s his dad, to him, his dad is just a harmless old guy- to you, he’s a creeper. Maybe have a heart to heart, if you’re too uncomfortable to talk then write out all the creepy things that have happened. Ask your husband how he would respond if some guy at a bar did those things to you. Stress that you know it isn’t his fault, but that it has to be him who approaches his dad. If I were in your shoes, I would ask him to act as if you never spoke about it, but as if HE had noticed and was uncomfortable with it. That way you’re not to blame/dragged into it. Best of luck.
Post # 5
I can see sitting down with creepy FIL and having a serious discussion blowing up in your face – he’s just going to deny, deny, deny. You’re going to be accused of being too sensitive, or of never having liked FIL anyway, blamed for flinging your hair in his face, etc. So my advice would be to skip the serious talk and just start speaking up forcefully in the moment it happens, with your FI backing you up.
for example, creepy FIL touches your hair and you get squicked out:
You: “Ugh! Please don’t touch my hair, I really don’t like other people intimately touching my hair like that.”
If he does it again or says something like, “oh sweetie, you just need to lighten up and relax!”:
You: “Seriously, I’m putting my foot down. The next time you touch my hair I am going to leave this house.”
Your FI: “I’ll be going home with her. Seriously, dad.”
Then follow through as necessary. If you do end up going home one day because he won’t respect your physical boundaries, and if he then touches you again at a future gathering, I think you should just stop seeing and interacting with him completely.
please note: the above advice is only if creepy FIL’s inappropriate touching is borderline – touching your hair, hugging a little too long, lingering pats on the back, etc. if this guy is menacing you, trapping you in rooms, trying to kiss you, etc. – skip all the talking steps and just cut off contact now.
Post # 6
FFIL smacks my butt when he’s been drinking, but he does that to a lot of people.
Post # 7
I agree with ohnatto: I think that as difficult as it may be, the solution is to confront him right when it happens. If you tell him “Please don’t touch me like that” in front of his wife or any other family, you will not only set boundaries for him, but also make others aware of your concern.
You will need your FI’s support not only when you speak up, but also to ensure that you are never alone with this man.
If there is any degree of threatening behavior, cut off behavior now.
Post # 8
aussiemum1248: i felt this way too. i asked him to say something before and he thought i should. he doesnt think his father will take him seriously.
swonderful: the only thing is, is that he usually does it when DH isnt there.
ohnatto: it hasnt gotten to the trapping or anything. more like huggin too long. saying things that are just not cool.
julies1949: i dont feel like its threatening but i def feel like he tested the waters and now hes just seeing how much he can get away with.
Post # 9
souza_2005: I had a grandfather like that. I can remember at about age 10 or 12, refusing to sit on his lap because he was just a bit too touchy, even though I am sure that no real line was crossed. I just had a very uncomfortable feeling. I never allowed myself to be too physically close to him. I also told my younger sisters to do the same thing.
Post # 10
julies1949: at this point im actually afraid what it would be like to have a little girl. will he be that creepy grandpa? maybe. idk but i do know everything will be different when this comes to light. or at least i hope so.
Post # 11
souza_2005: well one thing i learned in sexual harrassment training is that it is harrassment if someone feels uncomfortable.
and you my dear, feel uncomfortable. i was going to ask for more specific examples, but honestly it doesnt matter if we think it is appropriate or he thinks it is. It matters what you think.
If your FI wont talk to him, i agree about being a little more direct as it happens. Not rude, but firm and direct. “please dont touch my hair, i hate it” and you can even say it in a light hearted tone and see if he responds to that. If not, “Please dont do that anymore. I dont like it”
I know it is awkward, but it will be more awkward once he passes a certain boundry and there is no more shoving it under the rug.
Post # 12
leisha606: thats what im going to do. cuz i just cant stand it anymore. I talked with DH and he is going to sit down with his dad. i dont know if its because hes drinking more but it certainly doesnt help. i feel much better knowing DH will talk to him but in the mean time if anything happens im going to speak up. I also decided im not going to visit his parents unless he is with me now. before i would go over often because im actually best friends wtih his mom. i think that any time ive had a chance to say something im always too shocked and embarressed or shy. but at this point im just pissed so i will speak up, and keep to myself when DH is away.
MsW-to-MrsM: at least he doesnt slap my ass lol. that would be pretty ackward. is your FFIL married? does his wife just look the other way. DHs mom says stuff to his dad just when they are alone, and i think he brushes her off a lot. like shes over reacting.
thank you for your advice and support ladies. ill let you know what happens.