Post # 1
Hi all !
I know the answer to this but just need input from others too.
I have just been engaged 2 weeks and my FI and I were out having a quick lunch. He had been really happy and loving. Suddenly he looked up and a look of shock or devastation came over his face. I asked worriedly what was wrong. he didn’t glance at me but kept staring and said so quietly that I could hardly hear him, an ex-girlfriends name. I had to ask him to repeat it before I heard it. I glanced to see a woman walk to her car, but looked right back at him and watched his face. His eyes didn’t leave her untill she drove out of sight.
Now this was NOT a recent girlfriend but someone he had a relationship of only a few months with 12 years ago!
shortly after we left and went to a bar and later a restaurant but 2 hours after he had seen her he was crying so hard he had to go to the men’s room !! I was in shock. He said to me that he was crying because he was thinking that had he met me 12 years ago he would have been so happy and we didn’t have all that time together but the way he was crying was like grief. He was trying to hold it back and every now and then tears would come as if he couldn’t stop it.
Later he was all loving with me.
We just got engaged and all I could think was ‘thank God I wasn’t sitting here just married”.
he completely denies that the emotion was about seeing her, but all about it triggering being sad that we didn’t have all that time together. Now THAT sounds like a ‘load of ****’. I saw his face and he looked shattered.
Now a couple of months later I find out that just before we met (10 months ago) he tried to contact her on fb. He has had no contact with her since he broke up other than one brief, passing meeting at a shopping center years ago.
your thoughts. I feel deeply hurt.
Post # 3
I am so sorry, that does sound like grief. But you are the one he is marrying. Do you know who broke up with whom?
Post # 4
I will be totally honest with you- his reaction is troubling to me.. im getting divorced and if I saw my stb ex husband that would be how I’d react because feelings are still there
Post # 5
Hmmm that’s a bizarre reaction. Is he normally a sensitive/emotional person?
Post # 6
@mstellah: yes, but not like this
Post # 7
I would talk to him more about this, but don’t go on attack mode, try to get him to open up to you, hold off on wedding planing until you can sort this situation out, stay engaged, but don’t start putting deposits down on anything until you both are clear on whats going on.
Post # 8
Oh Odin and Zeus! I dated someone who pulled crap like this with me. And let me tell you, OP: I could lie to myself like nobody’s business. A one-off mention blossomed into frequent mentions. Oh, Ex loved this restaurant, introduced me to this book! Suddenly they were friends on Facebook even though he had told me he hadn’t talked to her in years. He was inviting her to private message him – because she had asked about his cat and he wanted to show her the album.
I let that crap go on for two years. It shattered me. For a year after that, I’d break down into tears as I tried to work through it. How could he do it to me? He told me he loved me, and I loved him, and I could put my ex aside. It was like I was living in a ghost’s shadow; everything I touched of his was a memory he had of her. And, like you, it was a long-distance relationship that didn’t even last a year. He’d seen her for a grand total of a few weeks.
To say the least, this wedding needs to be postponed. And a foot needs to be firmly put down. I would suggest, at a minimum, couples’ counseling, because this can shatter ANYONE’S self-esteem, and rightfully so. And while I would love to boost your ego and tell you, “But he’s marrying you!” the truth is, people marry for all sorts of reasons. And it isn’t necessarily, “Because you are the best option for him!”
Sometimes it really is, “Because the one I want to marry got away, and you will make do.”
He needs to be totally honest with you about this woman. Like me, you may find he’s been hiding several key details about his contact with her. And that’s an absolute no-go going into the future.
I agree with you – his excuse is a load of crap. And you deserve better. No one deserves to live in an ex’s shadow.
Post # 9
That reaction is not normal from someone 12 years ago, and I am not buying his explanation or after behavior either. Then he tried to contact her on FB? Something is not adding up. It sounds like he may have unresolved issues. Men have a harder time of letting go of a broken heart because generally they don’t deal with their emotions.. Perhaps he had not dealt with it until he laid his eyes on her 12 years later, and the unresolved grief bubbled to the surface…either way, I hope you guys get counseling before you get married because I don’t think this should not be swept under the rug.
Post # 10
I would be hurt and livid. Obviously, there are a lot of unresolved feelings to get this much of a reaction out of just glimpsing her. He must have built her up on a pedestal so high that she’s perfection at this point.
Post # 11
I see two red flags here…
He was shattered after seeing an ex, and offered you the flimsiest reason. He would have to be incredibly sensitive to start crying because he could have known you longer!
Secondly, you guys only met 10 months ago? That’s a pretty short time to be engaged, particularly if he’s still feeling something towards one of his exes. If I were you, I would leave off wedding planning for at least a year to see how you both still feel about each other
Post # 12
Um…. this seems very strange to me…. she made quite the impression I guess…..
Post # 13
@lelani: i agree with pp. there are some unresolved issues and this man needs closure before he can ever move forward with you or anyone else. meaning, he is not emotionally ready for a relationship let alone marriage.
i would talk to him and find out more about this person and the relationship, not in a probing, jealous way but in a way to have him express his feelings. why did they break up? how? etc. if he won’t talk to you, he needs to talk to a professional.
like pp suggested, hold off on the wedding plans.
Post # 14
So so sorry that you are hurting. The reaction does seem a little strange to me. When I think about my exes, it usually makes me chuckle (as in, “I can’t believe I ever thought that person was the right one for me, how silly!”), not cry… and it seems this was a major wave of emotion for your FI.
If I were in your place though, I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt and not hold the episode against him… Your engagement just happened, emotions are running high, moving from one stage of life to another brings stresses right along with the excitement. I would try not to worry about the fb thing either- it was before you guys met!
Post # 15
@mishagirls79: I didn’t go on the attack and was very calm. I have talked to him and he is the one that gets defensive and yells because “I don’t believe him’ when he says he was emotional about me! He accuses me of saying he is lying when I state what his reactions were and what he says doesn’t add up. What man is sitting with his new fiance ‘the woman he waited for all his life’ as he says (and he has commented on how other people have been surprized that he got me to even date him ) and sees an ex keeps his eyes rivitted to her until she is out of sight and then says he wasn’t emotional about her??? He is choosing to lie to me to cover up what was obvious, so I don’t think he will ever say different.
I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t with him that day and there is nothing to say that he might not run into her again. From his reaction it didn’t look like he would be capable of ignoring her even if he was married. Besides SHE was married when he was with her, so why would he care. Even though he says the opposite.
Post # 16
@kestane: 🙂 but he has had other relationships since that one. It shouldn’t figure at all and I don’t think it is a good foundation for marriage.