Cried at baby shower and left without goodbye :(

posted 8 months ago in TTC
Post # 61
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

tiffanybruiser :  

I agree completely, I think it’s shocking that someone would complain to their friend who they know is dealing with miscarriages and fertility problems that they got pregnant too easily and quickly. Either she is completely clueless and lacking of self awareness or she is trying to make the OP feel crap by humble bragging about how fertile she is. Can’t believe anyone would think that’s acceptable and the OP shouldn’t be upset over it. 

Post # 62
Member
1860 posts
Buzzing bee

I actually think that one thing that was somewhat helpful to me when I was in a situation similar to yours, was to cultivate a sense of genuine joy when someone else was successfully pregnant. 

It seemed as though among a huge group of friends, there were only two of us who were unable to get pregnant or carry to term, so I was surrounded by successes in the face of my “failure”.

At one point I actually gave a baby shower for a good friend who had had a child several years before, and after all those years had gotten pregnant again. At the time of the shower I was pregnant and didn’t know, and subsequently lost that baby as well.

By creating an attitude of real happiness for someone else’s good fortune, I was somehow able to detach from my own grief.

I was also absolutely certain that even with a very poor reproductive history, I WOULD become a mom, and that was because of my personal faith that parenthood, whether by childbirth or adoption, would simply be part of my future.

My heart breaks for you, and for any woman who is experiencing what we have experienced. I hope you will be able to find it in your heart to relish the joy of other moms as you walk toward your own motherhood. If you can, you will find the harder parts of the journey to be all the more worthwhile.

Blessings and peace and love to you and your spouse.

Post # 64
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

hollyberry4 :  I’m sorry that happened to you bee! The hormone injections are probably making your emotions even more extreme so give yourself a break. If I was your friend I would understand. 

I had a similar story. We were only in month 2 of ttc when I had just gotten my period and was shopping for a baby shower. I started crying in target. Because I know I have some health history that could make it impossible for us to have kids of our own I just got overwhelmed. I looked at all the amazing baby items and had a moment of panic that what if this never happens for us? I think it is very normal for you to be feeling this way right now. I hope that you do get pregnant though bee! 

 

((hugs!)) 

Post # 65
Member
9353 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

hollyberry4 :  you’ve handled yourself with a lot of grace, both IRL and on this board. I’m sure you and your friend can find your way back to a comfortable and easy friendship with a little extra care.  

Post # 66
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

Your friend was insensitive in complaining about getting pregnant on her first try to you. However, is it possible she was trying to soften the blow of the news to you by not being all giddy and excited and instead feigned annoyance?

If she’s a friend she will understand. Give her a call or meet up when you feel ready.

Post # 67
Member
8376 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

chocolateplease :  I think it is possible that that is what she was consciously or subconsciously trying to do. Of course, that doesn’t make it any more appropriate. But sometimes when someone with whom you’ve had a great history of friendship acts or speaks carelessly, you overlook it,  Everyone sticks their foot in their mouth sometimes, including when the subject matter is highly emotional. If it’s a habit, that’s another story.

While I personally would not have openly addressed the reason for leaving it’s a point in the friend’s favor that she handled the disclosure with grace, compassion and understanding. As any friend should. 

The thing to keep in mind is that every life has its ups and downs. A real friendship can withstand and thrive despite being on different paths at different times. 

Post # 68
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I honestly think that women that haven’t experienced infertility or loss don’t understand how painful it is. You’re a great friend for making the effort to attend the baby shower. I don’t think you owe your friend any explanation, your husband handled it perfectly, you weren’t feeling well and had to leave early, it could happen to anyone.

I think your friend is insensitive, I assume she has other friends besides you, so she could have confided in them that she wasn’t happy that it happened so soon even though they were trying, to vent about that to you who’s struggling with infertility and going thru IVF is extremely insensitive. Sending you tons of hugs and hoping you will be successful very soon!

Post # 69
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

hollyberry4 :  I’m pretty surprised at how many people have said you should “be a good friend” and just listen to her complaints without feeling hurt or miffed that she’s choosing YOU to voice them to. Your friend is supremely insensitive to have chosen you to say all this to. It’s completely fine for her to feel how she feels about her own journey becoming a mother and it’s completely fine for her to voice it – to anyone NOT dealing with infertility/pregnancy loss/fertility treatments. It’s common sense and common courtesy – friend or not. It sounds like you’ve been a wonderful friend to her, putting aside your feelings and trying to soldier on so as not to ruin her experience or her joy. 

For what to do next time….I’d skip the shower. I had a friend get pregnant a few weeks before I did at the beginning of this year. When I was 13 weeks pregnant and went in for a routine appointment we found out our baby had passed at 9 weeks. I ended up with a D&C the same day, at the end of June. 7 weeks later I was still testing positive for pregnancy (with no chance it was a new pregnancy) and in the last 6 months we’ve gone through hell and back with a diagnosis that it was a partial molar pregnancy and I had retained products of conception or a growth in my uterus. I finally ended up with another D&C last week to try to resolve everything. Anyway, my friend’s baby came early and she had to cancel her first shower. She organized another shower for 4 weeks ago and I was, of course, invited. At the time we were 5 months into this hell of losing our baby and still having pregnancy hormones raging through my system, added to the fact that we were worried about GTD and the effects of the molar aspect of the pregnancy. I knew that if I went to this shower I would cry. I knew if I had to play games, hold the baby…..I would cry. So instead of just saying no or going and hoping to hold it together, I called her and told her WHY I couldn’t come, and I invited her to a private shower for her at my house – just her and baby. I told her I don’t want to be the crazy crying chick causing disruption and having people stare,  but that I’m OK with crying in front of her if it happens because she knows what we’ve been going through. She was really understanding and compassionate and immediately agreed. So, she came over with baby and I got to give her my gifts and I got sweet baby snuggles that made me tear up – she’s SO perfect. I got to give my friend that joyous celebration with her other friends and family without disruption, as well as an extra celebration with a few tears but lots of love. 

Post # 70
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I know I am late joining this conversation but I just had this same exact experience over the past weekend at a friend of my husband’s baby shower. She and her husband went through IVF and did not get pregnant, then began fighting from the stress, almost got divorced, and then unexpectedly got pregnant afterwards. I know the other friend who was throwing the baby shower and invited me has been going through a similar situation TTC with her husband and had a miscarriage. My husband and I have as well had a miscarriage and been TTC for four years so we all can relate and they were questioning me about how things were going at the shower. I do not see them often so it had been a while since we had spoke about it. Only the week before my husband and I were learning about IVF and the cost and we cannot afford it right now. I had just had surgery (Laparascopy & Hysteroscopy) last month to try to find the cause of our infertility and they found a mild case of Endometriosis and treated it. When they saw me they both asked how things were going and I’m sure that they understood when I got emotional talking to them about how things were going for us, but I got embarassed and didn’t want to make the lady who was pregnant feel bad at her own baby shower celebration, so I quickly said goodbyes and left. I contemplated not going, but felt guilty about it and I also wanted to hear her story because it gives my husband and I hope and I wanted to express that to her and I’m glad I did. I feel really embarassed and I sent them messages on private message to say thank you for inviting me, best wishes and apologize for my swift departure, but I certainly do hope they understand. If anyone would understand I think they would, but I think in the future for now I will avoid showers because it’s just too tough for me right now.

Post # 71
Member
2727 posts
Sugar bee

 

OP, I’m glad your friend came around and I hope the best for you two.

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