(Closed) Crush on FI’s friend- Anyone else? And how to get over it?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Can you avoid him entirely? Like your FI can still go hang out with him, but maybe you don’t tag along? I think constantly being around something that is a temptation isn’t a good thing if you feel you might actually succumb to the temptation. And maybe talk to someone, like a counselor to help you get over it? Just because it sounds like the crush has really got ahold of you. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeh, when I was still just dating my husband, there were male friends that I think could’ve maybe been a problem for me. I really did just have to cut them out of my life to stop thinking about them. Then after awhile you feel really silly that you’d ever consider someone other than the man you’re with (at least I did). Good job though for realizing you need to get out of the situation before it actually becomes a situation. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

What did your FI say when you told him about this crush?

Post # 7
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah I guess I would say that I’ve had physical attractions to people more than crushes.  It usually happens to me when I’m having a low self-esteem issue and really just want attention.  I’ve never ever ever acted on it or even really talked to these people more than I have to.  I just try and focus my energy on other things.  One thing that really helped me get over the situation each time was to tell some of my girlfriends what was going on with me.  Most of them could relate.  Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you’re dead and you’ll never be attracted to another person.  The fact that you’re thinking about acting on it is concerning.  If it’s just fantacising about it though and now actually going to do it, then you’re fine IMO.  I also thing that the fact you can be open with your FI about it is a good sign.  We’ve each had this happen to us and have talked about it.  I don’t know how I got over it.  I don’t know if you pray or not, but I started praying for the person and it sucked all the sexy forbiden excitingness out of it.  I also just tried to keep my mind busy with other things.  The guilt is the worst part of it, but give yourself a break and just take your focus off of it.  It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

If I had a crush on my husbands friend then I would cease all contact with them forever. 

Post # 11
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I dont think its a problem to have a crush on someone as long as you know you are not going to act on it. I would still try not to be around him as much as you can, and maybe try to point out to yourself the things that are wrong with him and ways that you FI is better.

Post # 12
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think crushes are meaningless as long as they aren’t acted on. The same thing I said to the “when people flirt with your FI” thread – It’s flattering I guess, as long as nothing ever goes further. I think avoiding him and being aware of your physical attraction is healthy. We’re all attracted to people; it doesn’t change how we feel about our SO/FI/H. It just makes it a tad more awkward that you have to see him in person. So the bees that said to avoid him mostly, I would do that, but tactfully. You also don’t want to make it awkward.

Post # 13
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that crushes are fine, as long as you don’t act on them. And I think that it’s good that you told your FI. Everyone gets crushes, even after you get hitched… it doesn’t mean that you don’t love your partner any more. It’s totally natural. The important thing is that you treat it like a light, school kid kind of innocent crush and don’t act on it – emotionally or physically.

Post # 14
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Unicorn: I like your analogy to a school kid. Every now and then I’ll run into someone who just generally clicks with me and is also kind and considerate. I have zero plans to break up with/cheat on/divorce my FH, but I do come home feeling pretty good when I meet someone that flatters me in that way.

Post # 15
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Huh. I have felt attracted to other people, yes, but a crush? No. To me, a crush implies a real desire to actually have something with the other person (be it a relationship or whatever), and I haven’t felt that since my FI and I got really serious.

Is your crush really just a slight, passing attraction? Or do you really feel like you would want to be with Frank? If so, maybe think a little while on why that is. Is there something you feel is missing with you right now, or missing in your relationship with your FI? If there is, then try working on that yourself or with your FI.

I definitely agree with PPs that you should limit your contact with Frank (or completely cut it off).

Post # 16
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would say the best way would be to have less contact with him, or even if you are hanging out in a group don’t talk to him as much, sit at the other side of the table, etc.

 

The idea that relationships should all be perfect and that you could never find interest in someone else is not realistic. But you have the choice on how to act on these feelings when/if they do occur. Cutting off contact if possible or talking to and seeing him as little as possible is best and it will probably pass.

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